Free Fallin'

My first weekend back from my vacation, stressing a bit about money, about boo starting kindergarten this fall, about boo lying and acting out by hitting her friends when she’s angry...something I’d expect from a 2 year old but not an almost 5 year old... (wondering where I dropped the ball?). Stressing about things that I need to get done to move forward in my life to stop stressing about money... just to stop stressing.....I was a bit on overload, on the verge of feeling overwhelmed, that there’s just not enough time to get everything done. A little like the scene in a thriller where the girl has fallen on the edge of a cliff and she’s hanging on by some small straggle of a root that somehow as tiny as it is, has enough strength to keep her from plunging to her death.

Thankful for my little root...the tiny things in life, that keep me holding on... even letting go, to see where the free fall takes me....

Back to Reality

I'm home, got back around 3:30 yesterday, it was fabulous, and perfect, and fabulous.... now I'm trying to wrap my brain around normal life again... it seems to be sputtering, refusing the transition.

I MISS MY BOO!!!! I can't wait to see her, but I have to, I have to wait until I'm done with work tonight at 4..... I MISS MY BOO!!!! I just want to squish her and squeeze her and kiss her and never let her go!

All work and no play....

My eyes are blurry.

I've been working non stop, learning non stop it's awesome...but...

It's time to stop!!

I'm going to Vegas tomorrow. As of 2pm I will be somewhere fabulous in Vegas, liquid happy in hand.

I need the break.


Now if I could just get the mobile blogging figured out, I could post shiny happy pictures of my fabu trip here... *Le Sigh*

My Thank You

Here's my Thank You to The Dude...

It's how I felt walking out of his office Wed....



I was originally designing it to be the cover of a Thank You Card that I was going to print out and hand write a thank you, but he beat me to it... I got home yesterday and there was a thank you from HIM in my email!!!

Sweet Inspiration!

The meeting with The Dude was fantastical!!!

Thank you all for your support and words of encouragement.

I am super stoked, slightly overwhelmed, amazed, happy, and looking through those rose colored glasses I love so much to the hopefully very near future.

I have it.

I had it.

I just forgot that I did.

It's amazing how much better life feels when I actually take a trip through that cage door.

I hope you find the courage to go through yours...

... back to work for me.. I've got a shit-ton of stuff to do, but I've been given a great opportunity here, depending on the work I put into it, is the success that's attainable....

I iz a bizzy gurl.....

“Over-preparation is the foe of inspiration”

So.. I should be leaving work in about 10min... to promptly run home and try the new USB cable I bought at lunch, since the new one I bought last night and plugged into my shiny new tech toys didn't work.....*Le sigh*

Cyd called... she's going to the Duplex.

MMmmmmm the duplex.

Can I bring boo? Do they have wifi? Boo's diggin on Barbie.com right now...

NO! No no.... Nix... go home plug in the printer to the 'puter, print your shit.. you meet The Dude tomorrow night

BUT! BUT!.... but..... butt..... I want to..... awwwww.. SHIT! FINE!
I'll go home, print my stuff and THEN go to the Duplex, have a glass o wine, and fret about meeting The Dude tomorrow.

Umm... not exactly what I had in mind but, it should work, I guess... you do realize this is called sabotaging yourself right?

Awww.... it'll be fine. What's that saying I like?....“Over-preparation is the foe of inspiration”

Yeah and who said that?

Napoleon Bonaparte.

Riiiight.

Shit.

Who knew?

Wow, You're a Jack Russell Terrier!

Jack Russell Terrier

The Artist

You, my friend, are an artiste! Fuelled by a hounding sense of creativity and an untameable desire to express yourself, you see the world through rose-colored glasses one day and then wrestle the curtains closed and turn off the lights so you can ponder life the next. Your dog-eared journal is filled with brilliant ideas about rescuing the universe, yet you have trouble training your noggin on any one of them for any significant amount of time. Your originality occasionally manifests itself as performance art, and you love showing off your amazing athletic abilities in front of an audience. When it comes to taking on the leader of the pack, you’re not afraid to sink your teeth in - and won't loosen your grip until you've gotten your point across.

Fear

I'm wondering if I received a little extra helping of this emotion?

You see I think I've kept myself from doing things in my life because of fear.

Fear that I will screw it up for boo.
Fear that I will lose boo.
Fear that I am not good enough.
Fear that I will fail.

I have been given an opportunity on Wednesday to meet with someone to advance my career as a graphic artist, and guess what?

Yep, scared shit-less.

Scared that he's going to laugh me right out of his office in fact. You see it's not that I think I'm lacking in the talent department really... I mean I'm good, I win awards, but I still sometimes don't believe that I'm good, and for some reason I've just managed to fool the people I work with into believing that I'm worthy of the awards I've won.

I'm also feeling a little fear from the fact that I don't know flash or dreamweaver, and I've really only done print ads for YEARS... I'm talking boring, bang your head on your desk, shove 10lbs. of shit in a 2lb bag, L7 print ads... with an occasional "do whatever you want" thrown in. (which are the ones I usually win the awards for)....


ooooh...

but....

to even think about having that cage door opened..... will I have the guts to fly out? Or will I sit there afraid to fly?

I don't have my portfolio ready. Probably because I don't have the "right" stuff to put into it... just the boring print ads.....I know one thing for sure... if I don't change my thinking right this instant, I won't fly... I'll sit here.... I'll sit here until my brain turns to mush, my ass looks even more like my chair every day, and boo and I never own our own home because I don't make enough money to do it, and her dad can continue to call us up saying he's going to cut the child support and throw me into that "Oh fuck, how are we going to make it now" mode...

Get off your ass Nix, it's time to move.

Beware the Penis Snatcher!

Boyz... there's a Penis Snatcher on the loose in the Congo!



By Joe Bavier Tue Apr 22, 1:24 PM ET See the whole story on yahoo.com

KINSHASA (Reuters) - Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.

"It's real. Just yesterday here, there was a man who was a victim. We saw. What was left was tiny," said 29-year-old Alain Kalala, who sells phone credits near a Kinshasa police station.

"I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke," Oleko said.

"But when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it'," he said.

You don't need to change a thing about you babe, from where I sit you're one of a kind.

I don't know.

I don't know the answer to your question.

I don't even know the answer to mine.

But I do know that when I look at life as a destination, an end, a "I'm supposed to be here at this point in my life, and this point at another point" I am utterly disappointed.

I find it strange that I have to keep reminding myself that life is a journey, it's not a destination.

I know it's not.

But then I forget...

The perfect job will not make me happier.
The perfect weight/body image will not make me happier (I've been bigger than I am and smaller than I am and have never been completely satisfied)
The perfect relationship will not make me happier.

There is not a point in life that you can just sit and not move forward. There will never be a time where something won't come up that you have to "deal" with. There will never be a time where I have everything I'm supposed to and life will be magically easy.

Life is about living, not existing.

It's about the moments...all of them.

If you are constantly wishing it was different, you're constantly missing out on what's right in front of you.

I'm exactly where I'm "supposed" to be.
I can't make more time than I have, and the time that I have I refuse to wish I was doing something else with.

It's strange how just that way of thinking can change how I feel about myself and life itself. Peaceful, content, happy.

Here's hoping you find yourself living whatever moment you're in.

Ahhhh.. Memories....

The Water Cooler: The Unexplained

Peggy I love you and I hope you are doing fabulously.

I will miss the shennanigans this year! :-(

"Learn 5 Sexy Tips".....

...read the headline of the internet ad, posted above the tiny red bikini clad almost anorexic model.
Her face not pictured, just neck to mid-thigh.. you know... the Important parts of YOU.

Really? Let me guess... probably something about quick weight loss, a tiny black dress, moisturizing tips, sex tips to please your man, make-up, hair products, make your lips look fuller, make your ass look smaller, liposuction, botox, blah blah blah blah blah!

I've got 5 Sexy Tips for you....and none of them involve purchasing anything.

1. Be Smart... have a brain... engage people with your conversation...even if they obviously can't stop staring at your tits.... any witty intellectual girl would bring their obvious distraction into the conversation.. whilst using it as a test.

What? you say...

Yes.. it's simple... without changing your inflection or rhythym of your speech, just interject the worlds "tits" into your conversation..like... say you were talking about your work... and just let it slip... end it with a "So... what' do you think abou-t-it-s?" Ya know... kinda slurred together... and see if you get a reaction... good fun! (or maybe it's just me..)

Seriously though... be smart...stop buying everything they are telling you... cuz they are only telling you you're not good enough just so you'll BUY their shit.
Stop being so concerned about how you look. Stop buying everything they are telling you... cuz they are only telling you you're not good enough just so you'll BUY their shit.

2. Be Strong....mentally and physically. Stop trying to please everyone else and please yourself. Keep learning, whatever it is... a new hobby, a new book, a new theory...THINK for YOURSELF. Stand up for what you believe is right.
Take time to eat right and exercise if that's your thing. I'm not saying kill yourself to be a super model, this is not about how you look. I am saying don't be so weak you can't go out for a walk or a swim and enjoy the sun... don't be so out of shape that it will stop you from doing things you used to do, or that you want to do.

When my body feels strong, my mind feels strong.


3. Be Independent....have your own flippin life... don't automatically drop your friends or your "me" time, or your hobbies just because Mr/Mrs wonderful came into your life. No one person can be everything to another person.

There is nothing less sexy than needy.
"If you go out with your friends well then whatever shall I do?" utters the tiny red bikini clad almost anorexic model who has bought into the media's idea of sexy....

...and Mr Wonderful thinks... "um.. I don't know what the hell did you do before I came along?" and contemplates what makes you interesting in the first place.....

4. Be Adventurous... keep living... try new things... growing.. moving forward, you'll always have something interesting to talk about. And I don't mean you have to go sky diving.
Go out... go to a new restaurant, go to a new park, go to a new club, listen to new music, read something that's not on the best seller list.. you get the idea.

5. Be Confident... no matter what or who you are. That also means don't try to be something you are not, there is no confidence in wishing you were someone else... NONE. Love who you are, love what makes you unique, hell love your shape... it's yours, yours alone.. I'm no where near perfect, but no one else looks like me either.



There.

5 Sexy Tips from me. that YOU already new, but accidentally forgot about because of all of the brainwashing ads that you've seen. Stop believing them, start looking in the mirror, you've already got what they're selling... you don't need it.


That'll be $500, I accept pay-pal.

I'm stuck.

Between waking and dreaming, doing neither.

I think it has a lot to do with being stuck at my desk for 8 hours a day with very minimal work coming through, it's brain numbing, and what's worse is I'm not good at busy work.

I can't fake it.

Maybe I just don't want to fake it.

I want to do something....anything... well not anything... but you get my drift.

I'm just not good at it.

I'm not good at sitting to begin with, but sitting and not having anything to actually do, well... that makes for a very pissy nixie.

So... people.... what do you do with a Pissy Nixie?

"Johnny?.... It's June.....I think I'm ready."

I find it interesting really.

This magic this phrase "Point of View"....or..."Perspective" seems to have.

"It's all in your perspective" s/he says arrogantly

What does that really mean?

That it's ok as long as if from your POV it was harmless, and no one got hurt, but from someone else's POV, they see that someone did get hurt and they are telling you it's you...yet from your POV you don't seem hurt, or injured or any less of anything really, actually maybe even a little happier, that is, until "they" tell you about their POV.

Head swimming yet? Cuz really we could go 'round and round again, with any subject...

P.O.V.

I think it should be more "People Of Vanity" or "Perpetual Oscillating Vacillation" vs. Point of View.

Because really doesn't it all come down to a judgment call then?

Or manipulation?

Here's a famous POV....

Clinton admitted that he lied to the American people and that he had had "inappropriate intimate contact" with Lewinsky. .........."I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky" in a nationally televised White House news conference. The line later became famous for its technical truthfulness but deceptive nature, based on one's definition of "sexual relations."

"ones definition" = POV

All this blathering is a result of too much time, and really not understanding the way most people think, or choose to live by seemingly getting joy and building their egos by cutting down others while hiding behind the fact that it's from "my point of view."

Guess what? Your Point of View, is your OPINION it holds no higher ground than anyone else's.... get over it.

Belch... someone bring me some funny.

and he said....

You don't need to change
A thing about you babe
I'm telling you from where I sit
You're one of a kind

Relationships I dont know why
They never work out and they make you cry
But the guy that says goodbye to you
is out of his mind

I've been down and I need your help
I've been feelin' sorry for myself
Don't hesitate to boost my confidence

Well I've been lost and I need direction
I could use a little love protection
What you say honey come to my defense

I stand up for you if it's what you need
And I can take a punch, I don't mind to bleed
As long as afterwards you feel bad for me

You give me all of your attention
I've got deep desire and it needs quenching
I that's pretty lame for you to see

well enough about me and more about you
Because that'd be the gentlemanly thing to do
I hope you like your men sweet and nice

I thought I was done with telling you
But I ain't nearly halfway through
I've got a few more things Id like to say to you

You dont need to change
A thing about you babe
I'm telling you from where I sit
You're one of a kind

Relationships I dont know why
They never work out and they make you cry
But the guy that says goodbye to you
is out of his mind, his mind

You always did kinda drive me crazy
And it pissed me off cuz I let it phase me
But I never wanted my time with you to end

Now I'm back in town for a day or two
Mostly I came back just to see you
And even now, I dont want to go

You dont need to change
A thing about you babe
I'm telling you from where I sit
You're one of a kind

Relationships I dont know why
They never work out and they make you cry
But the guy that says goodbye to you
is out of his mind

Stories for the insomniac Boyz and Gurlz

It's 2:49 am and I've been awake now since a little after 1am.

I have been sick for 2.5 weeks... and just starting to feel better this evening, so what's my prize? Well a sleepless night of course!

UGH!

So what do you do when you can't sleep?

I decided I'd hop online since I really haven't been since monday.. oh yeah... I'm making all sorts of sense aren't I? Wooo hoooo.... wow... I'd really stop reading if I were you because it's NOT going to get any more entertaining from here on out.. I"m really just writing to hopefully maybe get some thoughts outta my head.. ya know.. kinda like that song... whatever it's called... ya know....
"2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
inside of me, threatening the life they belong to
And i feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to"

I know that you'll use them however you want to..... I know that you'll use them however you want to.... *sigh*

Why are people so vindictive?

I'm not getting my thoughts out... fuck this sucks.. I have to get some sleep!!! Good lord... send me a pink pony with sparkly wings that poops sleeping pills so I can close my eyes and stop dreaming while I'm awake.... are you nuts? really? I wanna lay my head down and hear your heartbeat...

Whoo are you? WhooOOOOH!

Blarbby blarrbby blarbby blarb... I've got a loverly bunch of cocaNUTS doo doo doot dadodooooooooo.....

I suppose I could masturbate, I hear that's supposed to help you sleep... hmmmm.... I'm thinking of Guin right now.... Once upon a time, in the land of extreme sadness I was crippled by my tears and the loverly angel Guin was consoling me... she said "When you can't stop crying, masturbate." I wonder if that works for when you can't shut your brain off too?

See I don't think so...

"um.. excuse me Mr/Mrs. Universe? I'd really like to be sleeping right now, and I do know that when I have been in a relationship before and not sleeping, I tire myself out....well my partner AND myself out... ahem... but anyway... could you stop being so freaking cruel and leave me wide awake in the middle of the night with no "exercise" partner????!!!!

I am officially pissed off at you right now! Sticking my tongue out and all.. stopping my foot.. hands firmly on hips..... HURRRRRMPH!!!!!

AWwww... fuck fuck fuckity fuck!..... I picked up that saying while back stage for Black Comedy... I played Mrs. Furnival. It was a great role... good play... great ensemble cast thing.... but we would be backstage and always try to break each other right before our entrances on stage.. (I know uber professional) anyway... I mooned Tom, and he broke a little, not a lot, but behind me I hear in an exasperated whisper.. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck... from the stage manager... and I immediately thought OH SHIT... I've pissed off the Stage Manager... Not a good thing, because really they are the shit... they have your back, they have your props, they have your cues... yep not a good thing.... but luckily she thought I was funny, she was fuck fuck fuckity fucking the fact that her flashlight just died..... and that boys and girls is the story of fuck fuck fuckity fuck.... which brings me to the Jehovahs (however the fuck you spell that) witness that used to sit next to me at work (she's retired now) but she was uber religious of course, and well, let's face it, I'm not.... AND I swear.... AND I take the Lords name in vain.... (whatever that means) Well I used to say every once in a while under my breath the old "fuck fuck fuckity fuck" and she'd sit quietly and the most she'd ever do would be to sigh heavily... you know passive agressiveness at it's finest.

Well one day she had the idea of making a swear jar... every time you swore you had to put money in the jar, and of course I refused to play... or pay....

She decided she would pay for me.... I found this out one loverly afternoon while working, and something happened that I deemed necessary cause for a swear word and not 2 seconds later .... SMACK! Cold Metal hits me right on the forehead!!!!!

Yep... this good christian women was pelting me with quarters!!!!!

And that boys and girls is why you should always swear if you are in need of quarters for the soda machine, as I often find myself.... ahh... but now she's gone and I have to go to the soda machine and try to stick my crumpled up dollar bills in the changer thingy on the soda machine.... I don't know who invented that little piss me off and make my eyes bleed contraption, but thank you for adding to the frustration in offices, hospitals, and auto repair shops everywhere!!!!!

They should just put a midget in there instead, they can make change even if the dollar bill is crumpled.... (oh calm down... it's fucking 3:14 in the goddamn morning, I am NOT capable of being PC)

Hello... Mr./Ms. Univerise? I"M still awake!!!!

awwww... fuck fuck fuckity fuck!

This isn't working, I think I'll try Guin's advice.

Do you ever find yourself thinking negatively... then saying to yourself...

"Self. That's enough of that shit, it's time to focus on the positive, cuz there's a lot of it."

.... only to find yourself less than 5 minutes later still obsessing on the obsession that doesn't even have enough of an effect on your life to be worthy of obsession status.. yet there you are... you and self... having it out... and god dammit I feel a little like Peter Pan chasing my shadow only it's even more elusive...the negative thoughts..... the negative me.

BASTAGE!!!!

It's too hard for me. (This is part 2 of "Hands")

There we were, crying, hugging each other, while the other kids stared, pointed and snickered.

I was in the seventh grade, geeky, unsure of myself, constantly fighting with my alcoholic father, one moment feeling sorry for my mother, the next disgusted for her lack of self respect.

The one constant in my life, the one person that was near that I knew loved me unconditionally and showed it was just diagnosed with cancer. My mom, being more the child than the mother, just heard the news at the hospital where Ma had just gotten out of a surgery to remove a hernia that had bothered her for years. She drove immediately to my school and walked in crying uncontrollably and found me by my locker.

"She's just full of cancer Linda" she managed through sobs.

As I put my arms around her to console her, I felt the air leave my chest, and the fear take root.

"What?" I said barley audible.

"She's full of cancer, she's dying. She's going to die." She said loudly through tears and the snot running down her face.

I felt helpless. I felt smaller than I ever thought possible, I wanted to turn inside out and disappear, leave when she left, the one person I knew that loved me could not leave me... what would I do? Who would want me? Who would be there for me? Who would CARE about me?... my thoughts raced through my mind coming faster, spinning, I wanted to run.

The sound of snickering brought me back.

I looked around, I saw the laughing faces, the rolling eyes.... and I cried. I cried with my mom and let the hot tears sting my cheeks without moving to wipe them away. I had to get out of here, I had to get my mom out of here.

She never complained you know.

She went through a couple of years of chemo, but did not complain. Not through the vomiting, the hair loss, the massive weight loss, nothing.

We never painted our nails anymore.

I spent more time at her house than my own, mostly to escape my father. She knew it, and always tried to let me know that he was the bastard, it wasn't me. We would talk about everything, and nothing, and sometimes just sit together in silence, or like any typical teen I would veg out at the movies on TV.

One summer day she was at the kitchen table sewing. I walked in, and there she was, hands deformed by arthritis, her body brittle and small, ravaged by the ever present cancer, and she was grasping the cloth the best she could ripping out the seems she had just sewn in, as the tears rolled down her cheeks.

"Ma?... can I help you?"

"I just can't get it right, my hands don't work right anymore."

"Ma?.. can I help you?"

"No.. I need to do this. It has to get done."

"You're making more dish towels? You don't have to make those, we don't need anymore, or we can buy some."

She was sobbing softly now "I have to get these done I have to do it."

She wouldn't let me help her, and I was angry that she wouldn't just stop, I couldn't understand why she wouldn't just stop doing it, there was no reason for it.

She was moved to a nursing home later that year, and I visited only a handful of times.

It was too hard for me. It was too hard to see her like that, I wanted to remember her lively, silly, joking, laughing with me... not that hollowed out shell lying in pain on the nursing home bed. The last time I visited her I told her I got a great part in the one act play.

Me.

It was too hard for me.

She died there, while I was out celebrating Easter with my new escape, my new person I thought would love me my boyfriend whom I latched onto with everything I had.

It was too hard for me.

Years later, as I was at my wedding shower and the last gift was passed to me to open, I read the card.

"To Linda"
-"Love always, Ma"

As I tore open the wrapping paper I saw the dish towels that she had pushed herself to finish....she worked through the pain in her hands and body..... and my tears fell.... and I thought with regret, and shame, and pain that it was too hard for me.

I love you Ma.... Miss Ella Sophia Peterson... I am so sorry.

Hands

It's her hands that I remember the most.

Not because her eyes didn't shine with the love she felt for me, or her smile wasn't warm and contagious, because they were, but it's her hands that after all of this time that I remember the most.

The fingernails always painted. A ritual she shared with my sister and I. It was a treat, and I can still smell the strong scent of polish as I see the memory in my minds eye. We'd sit at the small table in the tiny mid-west farm house that felt more like home than my own. She'd let us pick out a color and try to paint our own but was always there with help if we needed it. I was always fascinated by the ease in which she managed the brush spreading the color only on the nail and not the actual finger. To this day, I still think of her every time I paint my nails. In fact, now that I think about it I often find that when I feel lonely or aching for something I can't seem to name, I am often driven to find a new color at the local target.

I wonder... am I hoping that the as the new bright color spreads across my nail, hope and comfort will soon follow?

She wore rings you know.

A ring on almost every finger and she never took them off. It wasn't because she didn't wish to change them, but for the most part they had become part of her in more ways than one. In her old age, she became burdened with arthritis, and her knuckles became swollen and deformed and even though you could spin the rings round and round her weathered fingers you could not get them past her painful knuckles.

I would sit on her lap, and she would rest her hands in my lap her arms around me, and I was content for as long as she'd have me there. I would play with her hands, study the wrinkles and the lines, inspect with awe the gaudy giant rings and beg her to let me try them on. I remember pulling on the weathered skin, wondering why it was so "loose" I could squeeze it together to form a raised line on the back of her hand, and watch as it very slowly went back to it's normal shape.

"Ma? Why is your skin so loose? Look what I can do with it."

"Ahh." she'd grumble. "I'm old."

And it hit me.

It hit me with a force so hard it seemed I would never be able to catch another breath for as long as I lived. I was suffocating.

Some day she would not be here.

Some day I would be without her.

Some day I would not have her to love me, who's arms would comfort me then?

Chronicles.... "Denial"

Denial

Im not sure why, and right now Im wondering if its passed down from generation to generation or if it is fact nurture. But guilt and denial run rampant in the women in our family.

Im thinking it might be a little bit of both.

I have lived seeking confidence in how others view me, and paralyzed by the fear that somehow I am not good enough and unfortunately I think Ive learned this from my mother.

As a child I watched her be humiliated by my alcoholic father. He not only cheated on her but was verbally and physically abusive towards her. I dont think that this is an excuse for living my life a certain way, or continuing to make bad choices, but I do think that in the area of learning what relationships are or are supposed to be, I started at a slight disadvantage.

When things started to get to the point where I couldnt ignore them anymore with Edrick, I didnt even think of standing up for myself and telling him to fuck off. Instead I wondered what was wrong with me, why I wasnt good enough.

I remember being out with him at a restaurant or walking down the street, and he would brazenly gawk at other women. When Id ask him what he was looking at hed make up this ridiculous story about how he had done some really bad things when he lived by New Ulm, and people were out for him, so he needed to watch his back.
I said Oh theyre sending out attractive females to hurt you?
He replied through anger Theyre going to send people that wouldnt make me suspect them
(or some other bullshit like that).

He told me a story about one of his best friends, who was a girl, from his early teen years. She had a crush on one of the popular kids in school and eventually got to go on a date with this kid. After the date, the popular kid ridiculed her to the point of depression.

A few days later Edrick found the girl in the woods where they used to hang out.
She had locked herself into an abandoned car and set it on fire, killing herself.

Edrick and his best friend hatched a plan to make this guy pay for what he had done. He was a known drug user so they grabbed him one night and gave him an overdose of heroin. The authorities ruled it an accidental overdose, and essentially they got away with murder.

......Now you may be asking yourself what the hell I was thinking because obviously I didnt run away from him right then and there.

I dont know.

Looking back I remember thinking this has got to be a bullshit story. But why would anyone say anything like that? Trying to make himself seem bigger than life I suppose. Why did I stick around someone who would lie like that?

That sad part of the truth of this, is as bad as it was for him to lie, and as transparent as his lies were, I refused to see past them. I didnt want to think I had run from one bad situation directly into another, especially how shamefully I left the first one.

I didnt want to think that this person I had such a strong connection with could be as crappy as he was showing me he was. I wanted to believe that he was as wonderful as the connection or chemistry between us made me feel.

Basically I was looking outside of myself for my happiness, seeing only what I wanted to. I had an idea in my head of how he was, and damn it, he wasnt going to be this liar, this cheat that he was showing me he was... I wasnt going to see that and no one could make me.

But I did see.

I did feel.

And when I sat in silence with myself, I heard my screams.

I deserve better,

I am better,

and still I stifled it.

We were on again off again for another year. When I could no longer ignore who he was, when I had people telling me to my face that he was cheating, when I was ashamed to be around my friends, and the cast for the show I was in, I found myself once again looking at the face of the monsters within.

Chronicles.... "When We Met"

When we met

I met him at the first rehearsal for “The Rocky Horror Show” I had gotten the lead and he was to play “Rocky”.

I was unimpressed the first time I saw him, I actually thought he looked a little like a monkey, and was too loud, trying too hard. But.... there was something about him. Something that made me want to know more, yet at the same time, there was this knowing, this feeling that he was.... well, wrong.

My first thoughts during that first rehearsal were that he was a player (which he turned out to be) insecure (which I still believe he is, and I felt bad for him) and immature.

Despite all of this, there was this “electricity” between us, this chemistry that everyone else around us felt and commented on.

I was at the end of a failing 7 year abusive marriage. I was depressed, and theatre was my life line, it was the only reason I had for getting up each morning. I had been in 7 productions in the last year, trying to hold onto my passion for life, trying to run from the monsters within. I didn’t know it then, but I was running toward them at the speed of light.

Everyone thought Edrick and I were an item before anything had actually happened, I loved the idea of it. Being around him was like being energized, seeing things for the first time again. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful, amazing woman in the world.

I cheated on my husband with Edrick one night after rehearsal. He called me the next day and my husband answered the phone. I couldn’t believe it. I was sick to my stomach. I couldn’t believe this was my life. I was cheating. I wasn’t happy, the counseling had failed, the abuse had continued, and I had found another way out. Edrick.

I am not proud of how I exited that marriage. Yes he was abusive, yes he was cheating too (which I only came to find out about after I left), but that doesn’t make it ok for me to do what I did, and I am deeply sorry for how I finally left. That said, I do not regret leaving, I should’ve left long before I actually did.

I told my husband I had met someone else, packed my two suitcases and left (for the 3rd and final time). I was too ashamed to stay at my friends, and already addicted to Edrick. I moved in with him and his roommate until I found a job and an apartment.

This was at the end of October, by the middle of November he proposed (to which I thought he had to be joking) and by the end of November Edrick was sleeping with his ex J., telling me they were just friends. I knew in my heart he was cheating, but I didn’t want to believe it. Or maybe I thought I deserved it for how I left my husband.

There were plenty of signs, if I would have only actually looked, and been willing to see.

He said J. couldn’t know about me “because it would hurt her too much”
He could explain anything away, or rather I let him.

I listened to everything he told me, and wanted to believe him.

I found another place to live but still stayed with him most of the time, or he stayed at my new place.
We eventually moved into a house together, and things got worse.

He was cheating on 3 of us; me, J and another girl “T”, and who knows how many others.

T. and I eventually became friends, and still are to this day. I have been ashamed to be around T for a very long time. And I didn’t realize that was why I was avoiding her. But in the last year I looked at the situation, quieted myself, and realized I was embarrassed that I was still involved with him.

She was strong, wasn’t fooled by his lies, and had enough self respect to tell him to get bent when he treated her shitty, and when she found out what he was telling me, while he was sleeping with her.

I wanted to be her for that moment. For as much as I talked big about how I was going to dump him and never ever go back when we had our little talk and found out the lies he was telling both of us, I didn’t. I went back, felt shitty every time I saw him, but did it anyway. I’m still not sure why. That part I have not figured out yet, and I need to.

I think I’m getting closer to that every day.

Preface to "The Chronicles I wish were of Narnia!"

I believe life puts before us things that if we work on will make us stronger better people.

I believe that we have or feel instant connections with certain people because of this. That said, sometimes there are people that you seek out that you want to journey this life with, and others are put before you to challenge you, to discover something about yourself or your life, and move on. The catch is, to me, sometimes you can’t tell the difference, but you can tell the connection. I also believe that if you don’t get things worked out, and struggle your way through it you will continue to meet the same type of person over and over until you have succeeded in the area you need to.

I believe there is a lesson put before me in Eric, the ex before him and the ex before him, etc. You see they all are very similar in nature. They are not here for me to say what’s wrong with them, but to see what is truly within me.

My best friend and I were talking one day about what I liked so much about the guys I’ve dated. One of my responses was “I love when they can look at you and make you feel like you are the best/prettiest/most amazing person in the world”

She promptly responded with “Hmm... yeah, I don’t get that, because I do that for myself”

I was floored, I had an “Oprah Ah Ha Moment” if you will.

I mean really... why did I look to others for that? I will never find that in someone else, it’s within me. I want to make sure I raise boo with that confidence, that strength, and so far so good. She looked at me this morning and said the best thing I have ever heard her say. We were talking about what she wanted to do with her hair this morning, I had aksed if she wanted her hair a certain way “like faiths” and she said... “No mama, I wanna look like ME!”

I believe the connection that I felt for Eric is more about me than it is about who he is as a person. I am at fault for letting him treat me the way he did, and for taking him back each time he treated me like shit. The first time was his bad, the following times were because of my lack of confidence in myself, my non-existant (at the time) sense of being the person I truly am. I see who he is as a person, and I don’t like him. I didn’t act on that, but the feeling of this connection with him, I thought it meant we were supposed to be together. I have grown a lot since I met him 6 years ago, I have surrounded myself with strong, caring, amazing individuals, who I am blessed to be able to call friends.

I am writing these “Chronicles” as more of a release for myself. And who knows maybe I will find something else in there that I’ve overlooked, and learn more about myself in the process. Please remember when you are reading these, (if you choose to :-P ) that it’s in the past, it may sound like the pain is new and fresh, but it’s my story... my release.

Harmony Park

I had the most amazing weekend.

Camping at Harmony Park for the Big Wu Family Reunion.

I'll post more about it later, when I get more pics.

oh.

and.... "Clouds, are COOL!"

One night...

There are some nights that are just too painful to think that you might just actually make it through them without going mental, and then, there are those nights that you can't believe it's 2 am and time to go home, cuz it feels like you just started out.


Cocky Bastard, and Nick the Dick
We saw these guys and I thought that the guy in the green shirt, must be a cocky bastard, But... cute. Mary decided she should explain this to him, and a couple of minutes later he walked up to me and introduced himself as "Cocky Bastard" to which I replied "Hi, I'm Judgemental Bitch"





"Um you bite what?"



This man, (otherwise known as Mary's Stalker) was extremely friendly, and was funny as hell when he was telling the story of the squirrel that broke into his apartment. But~ when he started to wonder outloud why not one girl he's given his phone number to in the last six months has returned his phone call, it started to get weird. Mary being the kind heart she is must have decided he needed to be saved, because she kept up the conversation, in which he started talking about biting.. you know... like vampires......

John Goodman's brother and the 3rd George Bush



Mr. John Goodman's brother is one smooooooth fellow. He tapped me on the shoulder as I was sitting next to him, with my back towards him at the bar and said "would you stop bumping into me" (I wasn't even close to him) He asked me what I did for a living, I told him I'm a graphic artist, and he insisted I was much to pretty, much better than that. So then he put his hand on my arm and said "Wow, you're strong"
And in my most serious voice I said, "Well, my secret's out, I'm actually a professional arm wrestler"
He was so impressed that later he had to introduce me to GWB the 3rd... who seems to be either sweating in odd spots or spills drinks frequently, or maybe he passed out to close to a urinal... ewwwww...


The awesome part is Cocky Bastard, and Nick the Dick turned out to be extremely cool guys, and I blame them for my pain......Seriously my cheeks hurt from laughing.


Why you may ask did I laugh so much?

We played such great games as show me your hottest look, which resulted in this:
Nick's sexy look


Bitch and the Bastard






The Bastard and the Dick






The Dick, the Bitch and the Bastard




It was a fun night, it was worth only getting a couple hours of sleep!



Mary and I, as always... good times

Tina

I just have to say

it sucks that when i sit on the toliet at work.....my feet don't touch the floor. (Newer toilet)

at home, (my apt.) no problem. (Older toilet)

SO.....

Are they trying to phase peeing out for short people?

What's the deal?

As I sit at my desk in front of my computer and sip my coffee I have one of "those" moments.

Now you may ask yourself... "what do you mean by one of "those" moments?"

Well my dear friends... let me tell you.

I'm working, like normal, doing a boring small adjustment task, and I suppose I was thinking.... this is such a small task, surely I can do it and take a sip of coffee at the same time.

This my friends is where I was wrong.

It's almost like every once in a while your body decides to fuck with you just a little. You know, you're doing something you've done a million times before without problems, and most times with the grace of a ballerina... the ease of an olympic athelete... the confidence of a.. ah... ah .. confident person.

*ahem*
(obviously the power of speech is failing me as well)
*ahem*

Back to the point at hand...
I take a sip of my coffee (which by the way I did with as much success and confidence as any actress in a foldgers commercial) and as I'm taking the coffee cup away from my mouth something odd happens.... for some reason my brain has failed to tell my hand to tip the cup back to it's locked and upright position and coffee pours all the way from my boobs, the keyboard, and back to where I set my cup.





Clearly this is my body's joke of the day.
I wonder how long it plotted this.

Scientists discover new species of assassin spiders

Oh yeah.. this is all I need!

This conjours images of the previously posted ( a july post) about spider army that follows me, cheering in praise... calling out to their colleague to come and assinate their arch nemisis poor little ol' ME!

I mean really think about it.... This spider assassin has managed to stay hidden, like GOOD assassins do for how many years?

HOLY CRAP!

Maybe they have been hidden, but the evil spider army has now summoned them and that's how they were found out!!!!

I'm gonna die.

Die a horrible death, assassinated by a freaky spider.

mmm.. sexy goodness

Most days, I think I do all right in the looks department.

I'm not a girly girl in the sense that I have to wake up 2 hours before I have to leave in order to get my hair and make up just perfect. In fact I'm pretty much the opposite.

I have good intentions, I mean before I go to sleep I'll set the alarm for 45 minutes before I'm supposed to leave thinking I'll have time to do something with my hair, and perhaps put on some mascara. But it never fails... the alarm goes off, I wake up out of a dream I don't want to, look at the alarm clock in disgust, and listen to the oh too chipper DJ's talking about something I don't really care about.

Then comes the ritual conversation in my head.

"Ok, get up"

"No"

"yeah, come on... it's time to get up, if you get up now you can have a long hot shower, maybe even shave your legs."

"Oh fuck the shaving my legs...it's not like I'm having sex anytime soon"

"Oh now you did it... that's a depressing thought... yeah, stay in bed.. 5 more min"

"No really, I should get up, I should face the day with a positive attitude, if I get up now I could at least have a quick shower, and put some lotion on before I do make-up"

"Who cares about moist soft skin, it's not summer yet, and reallly, no sex.. remember?"

"Shit... ok.. 5 more minutes".....

"WAKE UP! it's been 15 minutes!"

"Crap"

Thus begins the day of rushing to the bathroom, quick shower, brush teeth, put neccessary hair concoction on hair so I don't look like a walking qu-tip, and if I'm lucky some mascara. Well.. maybe if the rest of the people I come in contact with are lucky, cuz really... I don't care. I've actually always been a little pissed that women are supposed to put on make-up to become more attractive. I mean, what the hell? If we're gonna play by the rules then in all fairness men should have to wear make-up too, their skin isn't perfect, maybe not eyeshadow and mascara but a little blemish control might come in handy.

But I digress....

Anyway.. the point of this little story is I got to work today, after a quick shower, and a little mascara, and thought to myself as I sat here waiting for work to come in that I could use a little lotion. I actually patted myself on the back a little for using time management skills. I mean really.. I got to sleep an extra 5 minutes, got my shower, got to work only 3 minutes late, and I have lotion in my desk, well it's not actually on my desk, it's sitting in a bottle on my desk... so as I wait for my work to come in I can take that time to moisturize, in case someday I might get some.

As I put lotion on my hands and still no work had appeared I thought "Oh, I should really moisturize my legs too" so I rolled up my jeans (YAY Flare jeans) and proceed to put lotion on.

Now this right here my friends is where I had an ephiphany.

As I looked down at my glow in the dark white hairy legs, my white sweat socks that go all the way up to my knee (it's cold out there folks) my black shoes... I started to laugh. I mean now this is some sexy goodness happening right here.


If you are brave click the picture for a closeup of the sexiness... but the poster is not responsible for any retna damage that may occur.


I think tomorrow I'll make a better attempt to get up when the alarm goes off.

GOODBYE

So dear friends.. it seems one of our be-loved has chosen to vacate... packin' up and movin' out....

Miss Jen Taylor is heading for New Orleans.
http://mrffriends.tripod.com/pages_people/taylor.html

Please join Orley and I as we host a little soiree n : a party of people assembled in the evening (usually at a private house) , or in this case a private place like the '90s? to say goodbye to our good friend Jen, THIS SATURDAY the 4th

We plan on meeting around 9pm upstairs for good times, drinks and laughter....

And why yes.. yes there IS a theme... Cajun.. New Orleans... like... think of it.. and wear what you will... I plan on attending in a cowboy hat and rain boots thank you very much!

I know this is short notice, but Miss Jen hasn't given us much time as she is leaving next week. So... please join us in sending her off with an amazing time and good memories!!

esssssss -----eeeeeeee------eexxxxxxxxxx!

All right.

That's it.

I have been without the sex for far too long now.

Do you want to know how I know?

Weeelllll.. let me tell you.

I have a few things that have started to happen to me recently that can only be explained by lack of sex.. seriously there are no other logical explanations. It's like a whole new symptom checklist....

First.. it's not too much sex that makes you hard of hearing, it's the lack of. I swear to goddess that everytime someone says something I hear something completely different.

Hell no! you say?

Well for example... my co-worker says "Jesus Christ I fucking hate that guy"
and I HEAR "What's with this jiz cream?" not even remotely close... I know!
I have not listened to louder than normal music lately, nor been to a concert....it can only be attributed to my lack of sex.

Second... I was reading items for sale in the classifieds, and I thought it said "CALL Girl Barbie", but no folks... it was "C-a-l-i Barbie"

*whew... *

Granted somehow most Barbies look like call girls... or DO they? SHIT! maybe that's lack of sex too?

Two and a Half... CONFUSION.... THE LACK OF CONCENTRATION...

Third... Dreaming is something I fear. I used to have those strange dreams about flying or work, or scarey spiders... but now.... my GAWD! Now I wake up exhausted cuz I was having hot monkey sex all night long, and wake up to find it was only a dream, and wanting it more than ever!!! THIS IS DEFINITELY caused by lack of sex.

Fourth... even remotely attractive men are becoming greek gods....

Somebody stop me.. before I succumb completely to this.

I am.

I ache.

I dream.

I wake.

I ....

The games we play

I went out by myself this last Saturday night, which is not unlike me really.

In fact I like to go out alone.

I get to do whatever strikes my fancy at the moment.. the way I prefer to live life, and right now being the sole parent of a two year old, going out for a couple of hours on a Saturday night is about as good as it gets.

I started off, just rambling.. bumming.. checked out a couple of stores...yes.. shopping
Now, for those of you who don't know me.. shopping has never been my thing. But let me tell you, to do it sans child is something to savor.. so I did.. and enjoyed it for about an hour. That's it.

and then I thought I should go to a movie

I drove to the theatre, and I am not exaggerating, I could not find a parking space.. not one! It's not that I was being lazy and didn't want to walk.. I seriously could not find a spot!

FINE! I'll guess I'm supposed to do something else..

So I headed off to the bar in town that "resembles" an irish pub, and had some great food, sat at the bar, enjoying my yummy supper and grey goose dirty martini... (yes folks, I can drink 'em at the bar, just don't ask me to make ONE at home.. see previous post on martinis)

The bartender couldn't seem to get over the fact that I was there alone.

I really don't see what the big deal was. It just must be how people view things. One of my favorite things to do when I'm at a new place is to "get lost".. just wander off by myself and see what happens. FREEDOM....

Anyway.

I ended up meeting a group of guys that were HI-Larious.. and joined them at their table and had great conversations and a couple of bottington pints...

I gave my number to one of the guys.. it's always good to have friends, and meet people.. and he was kinda cute...but he's called 5 times since I met him on Saturday night.....

that's a little much

Ahhh... well... the drawbacks.. are far and few between I guess...still wouldn't trade the night.

Restless

not bee in a jar restless, cuz I'm exhausted.. but

... restless....

what's missing?

what am I needing to pay attention to, or running from?


....restless...

um...?

I will regret posting this in the morning

1:30 am.. the people I rent from who live upstairs decide it's a good time to start some remodeling work.

2 am.. still working... me not sleeping ... so I get online.

Ex.. who's in Iraq starts IMing me, scratch that, I started by telling him I got his laptop to his father, so he wouldn't have an excuse to call me.

I'm frustrated... that I even play into his shit, but I had nothing better to do at 3 am.......mostly just tired, and it's a little amusing to my closests friends.. but I'm too tired to figure that out, and the how you cut things stuff.. so sorry. just scroll on by it's just a lame IM conv. between a very tired chick and her ex. AND I was being a snot... this is not how adults should talk... but I've tried that route with him, now it's just... well... the following:

Linda says: (2:05:36 AM) i gave your laptop to your parents

Ebbs says: (2:05:55 AM) HI!!!

Ebbs says: (2:06:10 AM) thanks... my dad is going to use it when he drives down to AZ

Ebbs says: (2:06:14 AM) how are you doing?

Linda says: (2:06:30 AM) that's what he said, as he asked for thepower supply...

Linda says: (2:06:37 AM) tired

Ebbs says: (2:07:09 AM) I bet... its like 2 in the morning there isn't it?

Linda says: (2:07:16 AM) yes

Ebbs says: (2:08:27 AM) so whats new/

Linda says: (2:09:05 AM) nothing......i thought you didn't get internet where you are at now

Ebbs says: (2:09:39 AM) not in my room. but we have it now at the flight line and its raining so we cannot fly

Ebbs says: (2:09:42 AM) so here I sit

Linda says: (2:10:15 AM) oh

Ebbs says: (2:10:43 AM) I am working on getting us internet at our rooms though

Ebbs says: (2:10:58 AM) how is our baby doing?

Linda says: (2:11:10 AM) she is fine

Linda says: (2:12:53 AM)
why do you have to word it that way... I mean, why can't you just ask how ella is? Is it to get a rise out of me? Cuz really so far in her life,the only time she's been "our" baby is when you wanted to actually be a part of her life, other than that, you couldn't find much time for her... it just really pisses me off and makes me sick to my stomach

Ebbs says: (2:15:05 AM) well I am sorry... I am not trying to get a rise out of you.

Ebbs says: (2:17:32 AM) And when did I now want her a part of my life?

Linda says: (2:17:53 AM) ?

Ebbs says: (2:18:21 AM) sorry... when did I not want her a part of my life?

Linda says: (2:20:26 AM)
when we were together you never had any time for her, and when we split you would have to "find out what's going on yet" before you would make plans to see her on the weekend, and you didn't make much of an effort to see her during the week... you never called to ask to spend time with her.. I always called to see if you wanted to...to which you replied with the above statement

Linda says: (2:20:47 AM) I mean really, I'm not going into all of this again... you know what you've done/or haven't done

Linda says: (2:20:58 AM) I just wanted an answer to the question

Ebbs says: (2:24:33 AM) Linda... you wanted me out and I had to start from scratch... find a place, get set up, then I had to sell my stuff and beg jobs off Fred to make ends meet. It wasn't like I was avoiding her or not wanting to

Ebbs says: (2:25:20 AM) look... it is in the past... I, nor you can change it.

Linda says: (2:25:22 AM) whatever Eric... you were trying to find out what your friends were doing on the weekends..

Ebbs says: (2:25:47 AM) friends... like who?

Linda says: (2:25:50 AM) fuck.... you didn't want to be with her on halloween, cuz "you didn't know what was going on yet"

Linda says: (2:25:55 AM) whatever eric

Ebbs says: (2:26:14 AM) no... that one you where right on

Linda says: (2:26:21 AM) who knows... maybe some new online lifestyle dates you were making? I dont' really fucking care

Ebbs says: (2:26:38 AM) good... then let it go

Ebbs says: (2:26:54 AM) because I have

Linda says: (2:26:54 AM) just for once for fucking once admit the truth

Ebbs says: (2:27:02 AM) becasue I want to move on

Ebbs says: (2:27:12 AM) because I want an us

Linda says: (2:27:14 AM) and stop pouring on the "our" baby shit

Ebbs says: (2:27:23 AM) because you are worth it

Linda says: (2:27:39 AM) Yes I am worth it, but you aren't.

Ebbs says: (2:27:50 AM) wow

Linda says: (2:28:15 AM) You don't deserve me... you've used up your chances and treated me like shit... out of chances.. move on

Ebbs says: (2:28:57 AM) didnt know marrage came with a set number of chances... was that in our wedding vows? I dont think it was..

Ebbs says: (2:29:05 AM) I know forever no matter what was

Linda says: (2:29:09 AM) oh hell no

Linda says: (2:29:18 AM) we are not going through this again

Ebbs says: (2:29:24 AM) look linda, its like this

Ebbs says: (2:29:51 AM) things have to change

Linda says: (2:30:10 AM) LIAR... = broken relationship

Linda says: (2:30:32 AM) I'm going to bed

Ebbs says: (2:30:35 AM) and broken relationship = work on it

Linda says: (2:30:59 AM) NO. Not when you repeatedly do the same shit over and over again...

Linda says: (2:31:02 AM) NO.

Ebbs says: (2:31:15 AM) that is why things have to change.

Linda says: (2:31:20 AM) You just don't get it do you?

Ebbs says: (2:31:29 AM) and there is no way for me to show you that till I get home

Linda says: (2:31:32 AM) yeah, you have to change for Ella

Ebbs says: (2:32:19 AM) quite frankly linda YOU dont get it.... Yes I am the reason we have problems, and I have to be the one that changes to fix it.

Linda says: (2:32:22 AM) there is no relationship between us, save for we are both ellas parents which means we need to be cival to each other, and do what's best for her

Ebbs says: (2:32:54 AM) right... which on the best end of the scale is work out our problems someday

Linda says: (2:33:02 AM) it's 2:30am I can't spell

Linda says: (2:33:41 AM) work out our problems so we are not fighting around her.

Ebbs says: (2:33:51 AM) yep

Linda says: (2:33:53 AM) there will never be a relationship other than that between you and I

Ebbs says: (2:34:21 AM) not with that attiude... and I understand fully why you have it.

Linda says: (2:34:33 AM) OMG! What world do you live in?

Ebbs says: (2:35:17 AM) the same one you live in

Linda says: (2:35:24 AM) um.. no.

Ebbs says: (2:35:41 AM) have you read the invitation lately?

Linda says: (2:36:15 AM) ?

Ebbs says: (2:36:29 AM) it doesnt interst me....

Ebbs says: (2:36:55 AM) I have been carrying it with me for the majority of the deployment...

Linda says: (2:36:56 AM) yes actually I have... YOU don't interest me.

Ebbs says: (2:37:05 AM) LOL

Linda says: (2:37:13 AM) You are a pathological liar

Ebbs says: (2:38:07 AM) yes I am... and I have been working on that and fighting it

Ebbs says: (2:39:22 AM) so I have been carrying it around for the better part of the deployment and reading it from time to time

Linda says: (2:39:47 AM) super, I'm going to bed

Ebbs says: (2:40:08 AM) and since I have been promoted I have been spending the marjority of my off time alone

Linda says: (2:40:42 AM) cuz no one wants to be around a pathological liar

Ebbs says: (2:40:49 AM) LOL nope

Ebbs says: (2:40:54 AM) nice dig though

Linda says: (2:41:03 AM) thanks, I try

Ebbs says: (2:41:52 AM) but anyway. I have to keep the professional from the private and I cannot do that by hanging around with the jr. soldiers

Linda says: (2:42:41 AM) wow, that's a step.. your friends of choice are usually the teens

Linda says: (2:42:53 AM) easier to influence

Ebbs says: (2:43:29 AM) so the part that says I want to know if you will stand in the cneter of the fire with me and not shrink back... I am sorry I didn't do that for you

Ebbs says: (2:44:03 AM) so whats up? what happend that you need to rip on me?

Linda says: (2:44:09 AM) um.....right

Linda says: (2:44:45 AM) all the asshole things you've done to me, and I rip on you and you have to ask why?

Linda says: (2:44:47 AM) Really?

Ebbs says: (2:44:52 AM) well... you only contact me when you want something or need someone to kick... so what is wrong?

Linda says: (2:45:40 AM) you wanted me to give your laptop to your dad... I just told you it's done...

Ebbs says: (2:46:11 AM) oh... ok. Well I am here to talk... I need to run to a meeting right now though...

Linda says: (2:46:18 AM) then you pissed me off with the "our" thing, and it's almost 3am, need more?

Linda says: (2:46:24 AM) goodbye


The story of a girl

Once upon a time there was a girl who loved making people laugh.

She would try anything, push the limits, just to make someone smile. Because when she did, she found that she in turn would smile.. Everywhere. And it was good, the best feeling in the world.

She grew up in a small midwest town where people are conservative, and seemed only to see themselves and their immediate surroundings. She detested this. It frustrated her to no end. How in the world can people think that this is all there is to life? How can people be born, raised and die in the same small town? That's certainly NOT living, she thought to herself. I will NEVER die here.

She lived on a farm on the outskirts of a town with a population of approximately 800 people. 4 miles out. At times this seemed like light years away, and at others it wasn't far enough.

After school she was responsible for chores, the feeding and watering horses mostly. And as she would do these chores her 7 year old mind would wander. She would think of the comedians she had watched on late night TV, and think.. I could do that.. I mean, really they just take some normal aspect of life and look at the odd ways people deal with or complete tasks, or why they even take them on. So she would talk to the horses.. and when she couldn't think of anything clever to say, she would sing to them. She would stay out in the horse pasture until dark most nights, dreaming of what amazing things she would accomplish in her life in some exotic place.. someplace far way from the constant fighting of her parents.

As she grew into her pre-teen years, the town seemed to grow smaller.

She hated it more with each passing year, and yet, in the same breath, knew she would be completely different if she was growing up in a larger city. She felt restless, she wanted to move, to travel, to try things that good girls wouldn't dream of. She knew for certain if she were in a bigger city, she wouldn't make it past the age of 15.

Art for Silent Auction

Bedtime story from a 2 year old

These three audio posts are of my boo, telling me her bedtime story. Start at the bottom and work your way up.

What's your take?

I just went for a walk, and we walk by our small town theatre, and I saw the poster for the movie Hostel.
I came back looked it up on the net, cuz I hadn't heard of it yet.. and I like scary movies.

http://www.apple.com/trailers/lions_gate/hostel/large.html

Couldn't tell much from the trailer, but it started a big debate at work.

"Oh great now they're giving these sick bastards more ideas!"

"No, the sick bastards already have these ideas."

"Oh I'm sure not all of them.. movies like that just give people more ideas, and more want to do those things"


Now.. I believe that if a person is a killer, they will probably already have thought of these things and worse (I haven't seen the movie, I'm guessing) and if you're an average person, who likes scary movies.. this movie or any other horror flick is not going to MAKE you kill/torture anyone.

It's the same old argument anytime a movie like this pushes the envelope.

I do believe we get less and less sensitive to violent things that we should be outraged by, but I don't think it makes anyone think that it's ok to do.

But then I remember this....
I had a friend who took a class in which they showed crime scenes, and then showed hardcore porn images...ya know.. the snuff films... the crime scenes had mimicked the porn flicks. And yes, the porn films were made before the crimes were committed.

I think if you're going to get upset by it, don't watch it.
But if you believe what was taught in my friends college course... then everyone should be upset by this and anyother horror flick of this type.

I'm not sure where I stand. I'm not against horror flicks.. as I said above I like them.
The facts that were taught in my friends class make me sick to my stomach, but in my heart of hearts I believe that the person(s) who committed those crimes would have committed the rape/murder without the snuff films.. probably just in another sick violent way.

Thoughts?

FW:

Something for your spare time

http://www.spiritcaller.net/gaybar.htm

This one just made me giggle!

http://www.spiritcaller.net/lotion.htm

This one Orley turned me onto.. the song... here's the video for it!
Ms. Orley beware.. it's movie clips.

I've just been informed.....

... that my "man picker is broke"

words of wisdom people are spewed forth in this world with reckless abandon!

must fix "man picker"

... is there a man picker fixer?

Hummmm....


Mood:amused
Music:Kings of Conveinence ~ Leaning against the wall

I'm so angry

I don't know why really, it's not like it new information that I've just discovered... well, kinda new, but not "new"

Boo's dad cheats, thus we are no longer together, well it's not really THAT simple but yeah.

Anyway I was going to sell the laptop he was using that I paid for and before I did that I wanted to get all the old pics and stuff off of there, and I told the tech person to see if they could decode some of his IM's just incase there was any juicy info I could get for future use if push came to shove with parental issues.

He is the most insane person! here's just a little bit of ONE of his conversations from a chic he met on a dating site (yes folks WHILE we were married!)


WARNING VERY LONG... but somewhat amusing.. especially to those of you who know him

SHIT I can't get the textedit doc to show in here!!!!

Basics.. he's telling this woman he's an international man of mystery.. james bond like... that he has two houses (apts.) and is getting his masters degree... (he's never even started college!)

ANYWAY.. Orley I emailed it to you.. anyone want it.. that knows me/him.. I'll gladly share!!! :-P

In chicago

Breakfast in chicago

Wild Beastie

In some cultures people put small houses at the end of their property that resemble their house.

This is to deter evil spirits from posessing them.

I wish I would have put one out on Sunday.

My usually silly, sweet, munchkin came running at me teeth barred, lips pulled back in a snarl, hands curled up by her face like little claws and eyes wild...

You see I took the phone back from her to talk to my mom, after she wasn't responding to her anymore.

Apparently the 5 times I asked her if she was done talking to gramma wasn't good enough, and didn't give her enough time to make up her mind.


So if it's not too late for some of you... Put the replica of your house out NOW!

Please I beg of you... before it's too late!


AHHHHHHHHHH it's B-A-C-K!!!... .. quick......
save yourselves........
Oh god, no!!!
No...................................

current mood: mischievous
current music: Michael Franti & Spearhead- What I be

Yes that's a penis up her nose

Friday night we had an impromptu Bachelorette party for a co-worker...
We went dancing....

And of course had the usual penis parafinalia that goes along with those kinds of parties... the penis in question was orginally attached to a tiara that said stud finder until I bit it off... um... right.

All in all it was a good time... I danced my little heart out....

Exhausted.... will write more later...

"Mama, I'm a pretty princess!"

As I was making lunch for these two.. I hear

"Mama! Mama look! Mama I'm a pretty princess!"