Friday, September 30, 2005
My souveniers from fest this year.
Back at work 2 days.. still feel pretty much like shit.
Stopped pooping, still feel like puking...
........ Mark you suck.
I feel a little more empty this year at the end of fest, cuz I didn’t get to play the hardest the last day, I hardly got to play at all.
I didn’t get to watch the closing gate, hear the speaches or watch the fire... the emptiness usually felt is only amplified by the sounds I did not hear.
I am dealing with a bacterial infection in my tummy and intestines... TMI?
Hey I didn’t tell you the gory details.
I am drained because of that I’m sure, and I am also pretty positive that’s affecting my outlook on things...
It’s hard to think happy when yo’ feelin’ crappy!
I really got to focus on fest this year because I knew my boo was taken care of, and it allowed me to actually stay in the moment and dive into my character.
It’s like every show I’ve ever done.... and like every director always says...
“By the last show you’ll be ready to start.”
It’s when it’s all coming together, really getting on a roll, and it ends... maybe it’s all about “leave them wanting more”
I want more.
I want more.
I want more!
I am really humbled and honored to have won the “Late Bloomer” award...
I know who has won it before me, and I strive to be as good. I am humbled.
I still strive to be as good.
I am honored my peers believe in me. I love what I do out there, and as most of my close friends know I pour myself heart and soul into it.
I want more.
I have tons of people to thank as well and I’m not sure if should list them one by one and what they’ve personally done or just write.
I guess we’ll see what happens.
I was driving home from work yesterday, the first day back since last friday when I was looking forward to the last weekend of festival.
And as I was driving home, I was thinking everything through.
What I have to do: unpack, wash, clean, store my stuff, and a part of me away for another 10.5 months.
I felt a little suffocated at the moment. You know the feeling you get... your throat starts to tighten, you notice your holding your breath, and it’s almost like if you let that breath out you won’t get another.
Now this might seem a little extreme if you’re thinking “All that because the Renaissance Festival is over?”
But you see it’s not just that.
It’s putting away a part of myself that is core. That is my light, my energy, my faerie dust.
It’s putting away a bunch of friends that even though you say “Really this year, let’s keep in touch.” you know it won’t happen. Why? Because there’s no way you could possibly have enough time to spend with that many people if we weren’t all in one place, like we are at fest, and still be with your friends and family you (or at least I) don’t see until it’s over. Peoples hearts are in the right place when they say it, it’s just life that gets in the way sometimes.
It’s putting away moments that are so amazing, and so insanely what life should be on a daily basis, but isn’t.
And I’m pretty sure that it’s not just me...
But it’s putting away the ability to come up with something daily, hourly, in fact every minute..... just for the soul purpose of making someone laugh. That is my “job” when I’m there. I wish that was my job for real.. not just seven weekends out of the year.
The closer to home I got, the tighter my throat got.
I started to force myself to think of what I filled my time with before... just seven short weekends before... and it seemed like an eternity ago. Some place that I had passed and was being pulled back to kicking and screaming much like my 2 year old does when she wants to play outside and we need to go inside....
I thought of my friend Mary.
She always made me smile, we were always on the same wave length. We always had a great time when we were together, no matter what. Silly, smart, funny, creative, amazing Mary.
She’s in Las Vegas.
I felt a little more alone.
I pulled into the driveway.
“I wanna playin na durt.”
“Oh boo, mama’s still sick hun... let’s watch a movie.”
“NO! MAMA! I wanna playin na durt.”
“hang on boo, mama’s sick... let me get the mail, I’ll get you out, we’ll go inside and watch a movie.”
“NO!” few tears.. “I wanna playin na durt mama!”
I was frustrated, I wanted to feel good enough to play with her outside, but I felt like shit.
I got out of the car and went to the mailbox (5 steps away) and there sat a little bit of faerie dust... staring me in the face.
It was a letter from Miss Mary Mac.
It’s strange how the world works somedays.
She wrote to tell me she missed me.
The very thing I was telling her in my thoughts not minutes ago. It was almost as if she heard me and her letter appeared in response.
“My forever friend Linda (at least if I have something to say aobut it)....
You are a kindred spirit and that is what keeps me feeling close to you so very far away.”
is her opening line....
And I cried.
I was missing festival, missing friends, missing her specifically, and she was there.
She was and is always there.
So as I packed up my stuff ( well more like shoved it all into one corner of my office) and washed what was wet so it didn’t mold. I realized I wasn’t putting away my friends or my experiences.
They are always there.
Sometimes I need to call out to them to hear me,
and other times I can just use the phone. ;-)
But they are there.
And I took my boo outside “to playin na durt” as crappy as I felt...
my boo and I were in the present...
and I was making her laugh...
“playin na durt”
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Friday, September 23, 2005
lets run away today
lets be completely irresponsible
just for one day
i'm up for it
we can pretend there would be no consequences
so what would you do?
are we going to rob a liquor store?
Lets see... I would want to first get dressed to kill... but not with my $... so we'd have to get some so we could blow like a grand or more on a pair of shoes
that would be awesome
that would be awesome!
so then we would go eat at some outragesl....WAIT! We'd go to Paris for lunch!!!!
just for Lunch?
I think we should stay there until the afternoon
then fly to some beach place...where is there a good beach area now?? with all the storms its hard to say
How about the coast of Spain
find us some really HAWT! men
that would be great...and just lie on the beach until we get bored
who will wait on us and find us extremely attractive
that would be GREAT!
and they will be witty and charming and funny and amazing
and since we're american they would totally wait on uys
then we would
go shopping a little bit there
for NIGHT wear
and then we would be ROCKSTARS
and have a sold out show
Could I just be in the front row...I can't sing or play anything
sure whatever you want, but if you want to ......you would be awesome
and I would love to sing
so you are a ROCKSTAR
with a sold out show
wearing an amazing outfit
and I'm skinny like a rockstar
me too!!! mee toooo!
and we have rockstar hair
And then after the show we would have all the hot groupies come back statge
with great bodies
and we would pick and choose... right to their faces
I want the tall dark and handsome one
and we would have them wait on us
THEY WILL ALL BE TALL DARK AND HANDSOME
will drink...but not get a hangover
and they will all think we are the most amazing girls EVER
because we ARE
NO NO HANGOVERS
Or that hungover water wieght gain thing
ack wewwwwww pew
none of that
what do we do in the morning?
we would go swimming at another great beach.... or the same one
I've always wanted to go there
and see dolphins and go snorkling
what a great day
I have always wanted to go snorkeling and swim with dolphis
an awesome day
so let's go
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Monday, September 19, 2005
This made me chuckle... as I thought of my college days.
I lived in a old house that was falling apart... literally... buy hey.. it was cheap rent!
The kitchen sink had no hot running water so we would fill ice cream buckets full of hot water from the bathroom sink to the kitchen to do dishes. The bathroom floor had a spot right infront of the shower that you had to avoid at all costs unless you wanted a quick trip into the apt below us, and when the wind blew really hard... so did the curtains.. with the windows closed! I shared this house with 4 other girls, 3 cats, a hamster and a bird.
I don't know why, but we always tried to "out do" each other... pulling off the best jokes, coming up with the craziest ideas...etc.
Some of the best ones I remember are:
"Murder She Wrote"
Tipping over the furniture, knocking the phone off the hook and laying on the floor pretending we were dead waiting for the other 3 to come from the grocery store.
This all started as a, well, I'm not sure what to call it really. I wanted to drive a guy that I was seeing nuts.... (he had company, we couldn't be together one weekend) so I conned one of my girlfriend into driving me to his house, while I was dressed in a nice black teddy, thigh highs, and a mid length leather jacket, and 6" heels....so I could knock on his door, flash open my jacket and say "I just wanted to show you what you were missing tonight" (I know.. sad..., but funny.. I'm such a dork) any way... on the way back we were laughing and joking and as cars would pull up beside us I would flash a just enough for them to realize what I had.. or more correctly I suppose...didn't have beneath my jacket. It was hilarious..... and it became a thing we'd do when we were bored... sittin around... one of us would holler out "LINGERIE CRUISE!" And we all run to our rooms, change and hop in the car! (GOD we were dorks!)
"Truth, Dare or Strip"
Kinda a combination of the two games while drinking... so if you lost and had to strip you also had to run around the block.
It's amazing we didn't get arrested!!
"Music Mayhem Nights"
NONE of us knew how to play guitar, or any other instrument for that matter.. but we had Music Mayhem Nights... where we would have to make up a song on the spot... and play an instrument.. mostly just guitar, tambourine or sax. One of the best songs that came out of that was "Ode to a Long Hair"
One time at band camp..... (wait) No.... no band camp!
Where was this going?
We had a great time with hardly any money, no cable TV, just hanging around being the dorks we were!
Kinda reminds me of festival!!! :-P
Friday, September 16, 2005
I can't sit here... I can't concentrate... I want to GO!
I'm thinking naughty thoughts... stuck here at work... thinking naughty thoughts....
OH GOD... someone help me.....
Is it the weather? Is it that the weekend is almost here? Is it the GINORMOUS mushroom that came to visit at work yesterday (yes for real a ginormous mushroom some lady had growing in her yard.. bigger than my ass)
NAUGHTY, naughty girl.........
someone make the day go faster.....
Anyone wanna meet me for lunch?
OH GOD.....I am insane for real
Oh sooo soooooo naughty!!!! Picture in my head....
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
(Orley... yes I know.. yet another pic of me!!)
Somedays I wish
Somedays I dream
Somedays I ache
The BEST days are the days I actually get to BE.
I used to do a lot of theatre. A small percentage was equity.. but most of it wasn't. That was ok, because I do it for the LOVE of doing it. There is nothing in the world that makes me feel more alive then performing.
I have postponed my theatre days until my boo is older... I don't want to spend 40 hours a week away from her plus the other 3.5 - 4 hours a night at rehearsal and get home long after she was asleep. I would pay far too high of a price, and so would my boo, that's not fair to her.
But I ache.
Not every day, because she is a light... she fills my life with a joy not found in performing or any other self satisfaction means but in the way of showing me what life really is. Pure joy and wonder.
But I ache.
Especially when I am at "work"... away from her, my little ray of sunshine. I sit at my desk, perform my work, try to be as creative as possible and not drive my co-workers absolutely nuts by my ramblings.
Festival, has given me an outlet.
I get to "perform" for 7 weekends. And I cherish each and every one.
I do at times, find it hard though.
I have performed... played the lead in front a thousand people or more, and never been nervous except for the first rush of adrenaline before each show.
During the day at festival I find myself in awe.... especially when I see performers, the peers that I have admired for years out there... and I get tongue tied.. quiet. I want to do... to be....and I wonder if I ever will get where I want to be.
I think too much. I am so trained in the theatre of not stepping on people or knowing my blocking inside and out, my lines and almost everyone else's that if someone drops something you've got their back. I'm not as confident out on the street... the area of complete improv is challenging, and I love that, and I hate that at the same time. It's so much harder than being directed, learning a script, and blocking. SO VERY MUCH HARDER. But it also gives you freedom... and the character you are trying to portray becomes a living, growing, changing person. Not trapped in a moment of time as in a script.. but thrown out there each new day to react to what happens in her world. Now... the hard part is keeping it interesting for people to want to stop and watch, and each time I'm out there, I get people stopping to watch the train wreck of Antonia for longer periods of time... but I want more....
If someone could direct me to the nearest store where that's for sale, that'd be great! Thanks.
I know. You've got it or you don't.
I want it. I will get it...
I will do more, and I know that I will always ache..
to be more... to do more...
not saying that I'm never satisfied, just I want that rush, each day... my fix, my food for my soul...
............. somedays will be most days when I get to
Friday, September 09, 2005
Lunch is here!
I sat down at the table and unwrapped my grilled stuffed burritto, and began the normal chit chat with the girls at work.
Now I like me the spicy food.... there's this new jalepeno sauce that TJ's has, and it's got some bite!
I poured some of this sauce on my burritto and got a little more than I bargained for in more ways than one.
As I was licking the excess sauce off of the side of my burrito I started to blush.
Now, I don't blush. Well, at least not very easily.
I wasn't blushing from the heat of the sauce but from the scene that was playing itself in my head.
Random thoughts in my head at the moment:
Theivery Corporation, it has been said is "panty dropping music"
Some people should share their knowledge with the world...Take it on the road!
The summer I was anemic
Biaggis has some great CUNNINGLINGUS pasta, but I've had better, infact I just may have had the best!
"Hello, my name is Raphel, do you like the sex?"
Now it's not making sense you say?
Damn right! It's not! Must be something in the sauce.......
Maybe TJ's has a conspiracy... Their hot sauce is indeed hot in more ways than one.... and they are slowly taking over the bodies of women everywhere... putting naughty thoughts or flashbacks in their heads.... in order to... to... well.. .
TJ's is out to get everyone laid!!!
Watch out ladies.. avoid the special sauce!
OR... get it.. and BUY STOCK!
If someone could sort this out... it would be helpful...
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Here I sit.
But singing.. well inside voice anyway...
"This ass was made for moving, and that's just what I'll do! One of these days my ass is going to move right out this room! Bommmm ba ba ba bommmm ba ba bommm....
(now, if you can see the visual in my head you would be giggling right along with me... I mean how perfect is the bass riff for a moving ass, especially the not buff, but slightly jigglieness of a 35 yr. old mama ass?)
I have had times in my life where I have been at "work" and hated the job so much, that when the "Ass was made for moving" popped into my head... I did it... I got up, and walked out. Confident of finding another job easily, and since I'm not very materialistic I was never worried about running out of cash.
Now, I'm 35 and a single mom, and I need to be responsible for the boo... she deserves it.
"I keep thinking there must be something better for me.
something where I can shake my ass.
I keep sittin when I should be movin
and I keep waitin on the cash"
Shut up Ass!
I'm stuck here, for now... sittin'!
Bommmm ba ba ba bommmm ba ba bommm....
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
I would like to know why (and since it's happend more than once I'm going to generalize) guys feel the need to disrespect girls they are going out with, dating, hanging out with and or just f*@%ing in order to start going out with, dating, hanging out with or just f*@% a "new" girl.
I witnessed this scenario this last weekend...
"Is that from your girlfriend?" she asks
He stumbles back with "What?" OH! My stalker friend thing!"
"Stalker?" It looked like you were enjoying it too much to be a stalker."
Now, we all saw this guy with his girlfriend, and they looked happy together... but since he was in a group that included someone he was interested in... he chose to talk smack about her. (He actually has been talking smack about her to all of the friends of the girl he's interested in)
Which of course made all the girls think he was behaving like a dick. (Now, we like him... he is not a dick, but he was at the moment behaving dick-like) Cuz really if he is going to talk smack about someone he is "with" what is he going to say about the next someone he sleeps with?
Guys... it isn't neccessary.
If a girl you are interested in, is flirting back with you... you pretty much are in. If you don't want a relationship and or are already in one... it doesn't... I REPEAT... DOESN'T make you more appealing if you talk shit about a girl you choose to spend some quality time with. Terms like psycho, stalker, wierd etc. shouldn't be used to describe people you CHOOSE to be with especially if you are describing them to someone you would like to start hanging out with.
Maybe he did it to make himself feel better about the situation?
Friday, September 02, 2005
We all know from my infamous GINORMOUOS SPIDER story that myself and the arachnoids don't get along.
You see they insist on tracking me down and terrorizing me, and I, well... I guess I repeatedly just about pee my pants everytime I see one.
I moved from the apartment with the GINORMOUS MUTANT SPIDERS into a new apartment hoping to rid myself of the spider army once and for all.
Well....Not so much.
The place I moved into is an older house in which I rent out the bottom (main level) 3BR apartment. Great character in this place.. it has the dark thick kick boards and archways that are usually found in older homes. And it is close to the lake, I can look out my living room window and see the lake, it's a great view!
Uh... huh... I know.. lake, older house... and I should be expecting spiders right?
"Hi... have we met? My name is Linda.. yes, yes I do like my world.. would you like to come in?"
Well anyway, I have lived in the new place for about 2 weeks now, and have seen at least 3 spiders. They are at least all of a different variety, so I can safely(?) assume that it is not the spider army from the old apartment. I think.
The first spider encounter in the new place went rather smoothly.. (my mom was with me and I calmly called her over to rescue me from hideous large spder) and she said "Oh Linda... it's just a little spider, squash it!"
Now I'm 35... you would think she would know that the previous 31 years of telling me that exact phrase has not really worked and that it probably NEVER WILL.
The second spder encounter happend later one night... (tricky bastards.. always waiting for the dimly lit hours.) I had just purchased a fabolous desk for my office/3rd bedroom and successfully loaded it into and out of my VW Bug (no small feat, small bug) and put my boo to bed, and started the task of assembling desk... with hutch.. and shelves... oh yeah, I'm a master carpenter now... sans penis. I knew that a penis wasn't a necessary tool for construction!!!! Nothing can stop me now!
I was screwing the right hutch part onto the base of the desk and saw something black and bug like out of the corner of my eye. I was concentrating on the task at hand (putting the desk together with no power tools, just a regular screwdriver, makes for long work)
As I was turning the last screw in, my brain started to turn as well and kicked into "OH SHIT! IS THAT A SPIDER?" mode.... so I froze, took a breath, and slowly turned my head towards the black legged thing in question..... OH SHIT!!!!! IT IS A SPIDER! (Freakin things... new I was concentrating on the desk.. it probably been watching waitng to attack for a while)
I frantically scanned the room for something close by to kill it with ( my mom would have just slapped the thing with her bare hand..... Mommy?)
I couldn't move too far away because it was on the move.. and I didn't want to lose sight of it. You know... the keep an eye on your enemy thing.
There was nothing in reach so I realized I was going to have to use what I had in my hand... my screwdriver. Small surface area with which to make contact, HUGE room for the possiblity of missing the freakin thing. Well... I had no choice so I pulled my hand back, held my breath and brought the screwdriver handle down on it... kind of. I must have hit some part of it, it dropped to the floor and stayed there, we had a staring contest for about a minute and it didn't move so I must have killed it..... ...........or did I?
I went back to work on the desk. I had to get behind it to attach the corner shelf part and realized that I was by the corpse of the spider... or at least I should have been F*@%ER! He was only playing dead Damn I hate those tricky bastards! Now I don't know where it is, but I'm trying to convince myself that I wounded it mortally and it made it back to it's little spidey friends and told them with it's last audible breath, and showed them that if you mess with the new occupant you will die!
Well that must not have worked.
This morning I woke up.
They sent the freakin four star general!
This spider, this BIGGER THAN GINORMOUS, FOUR STAR GENERAL SPIDER was directly above me on the ceiling.
I wanted to pretend I was dreaming or more correctly having a nightmare... but no... no... the F*@%King thing was real.. staring at me with all of it's beady freaky eyes... each leg ready to pounce on me from any direction (they have eight you know) OR... maybe the F*@%King thing was waiting until I yawned and was going to kill me by suicide? Jumping into my mouth so I choked to death. (did you know you sallow 8 spiders a year?) SHIT!
I slowly moved out of bed, fully convinced this is was it. The spider was going to win.
When I got out from under him, I moved as quickly as I could and pleaded with my brain to wake the fuck up, and remember where the RAID was.... UNDER THE SINK!!! YAY!!! Not still lost in the sea of boxes that have yet to be unpacked.
I cautiously entered the bedroom, Raid can raised high, trigger finger ready.
Now how the hell am I going to get this thing... he has chosen his battle position well. If I spray him he will jump on me from above. I must get on the bed off to one side.. AH HA! He's hoping I will slip and fall off of my satin comforter! BASTARD! I know how they think!
I carefully got on the bed and sprayed... knowing full well that I wouldn't have the pleasure of watching the General die, because he would jump down and run away before I could get him completely covered in the foamy pile of chemical he so badly deserved. And I sprayed, and he did..... he jump down, and crawled away.. and I continued to spray in all the crevices close by until I was breathing in Raid... ok.. not good, Raid for spider, not Linda. Um... I felt a little ill. But I knew that the if the General made it back to the Spider Army Lair that there would be hell to pay, so I sprayed around the doors and the windows and went into the office and sprayed there just incase that little tattle telling bastard spider that summoned the General in the first place was still alive.. and I sprayed saying my mantra.. die mutherf*@%er DIE!
Oh it's on now.....
I am stopping at the store on my way home and I'm purchasing bug bombs.. it's a 3 day weekend.. no one's going to be there except the Spider Army.. and they will DIE!!!!!!!!
Oh... and just for all you people whom the spiders have tricked into thinking they are harmless.. here is a prime example.. this spider dude has a website.. on spiders.. he's been missing since 1999... HELLO? THE SPIDERS GOT HIM!!!!