Monday, December 12, 2005

FW:

Friday, December 09, 2005

Something for your spare time

http://www.spiritcaller.net/gaybar.htm

This one just made me giggle!

http://www.spiritcaller.net/lotion.htm

This one Orley turned me onto.. the song... here's the video for it!
Ms. Orley beware.. it's movie clips.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

I've just been informed.....


... that my "man picker is broke"

words of wisdom people are spewed forth in this world with reckless abandon!

must fix "man picker"

... is there a man picker fixer?

Hummmm....


Mood:amused
Music:Kings of Conveinence ~ Leaning against the wall

I'm so angry

I don't know why really, it's not like it new information that I've just discovered... well, kinda new, but not "new"

Boo's dad cheats, thus we are no longer together, well it's not really THAT simple but yeah.

Anyway I was going to sell the laptop he was using that I paid for and before I did that I wanted to get all the old pics and stuff off of there, and I told the tech person to see if they could decode some of his IM's just incase there was any juicy info I could get for future use if push came to shove with parental issues.

He is the most insane person! here's just a little bit of ONE of his conversations from a chic he met on a dating site (yes folks WHILE we were married!)


WARNING VERY LONG... but somewhat amusing.. especially to those of you who know him

SHIT I can't get the textedit doc to show in here!!!!

Basics.. he's telling this woman he's an international man of mystery.. james bond like... that he has two houses (apts.) and is getting his masters degree... (he's never even started college!)

ANYWAY.. Orley I emailed it to you.. anyone want it.. that knows me/him.. I'll gladly share!!! :-P

Friday, December 02, 2005

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Wild Beastie

In some cultures people put small houses at the end of their property that resemble their house.

This is to deter evil spirits from posessing them.

I wish I would have put one out on Sunday.

My usually silly, sweet, munchkin came running at me teeth barred, lips pulled back in a snarl, hands curled up by her face like little claws and eyes wild...

You see I took the phone back from her to talk to my mom, after she wasn't responding to her anymore.

Apparently the 5 times I asked her if she was done talking to gramma wasn't good enough, and didn't give her enough time to make up her mind.


So if it's not too late for some of you... Put the replica of your house out NOW!

Please I beg of you... before it's too late!


AHHHHHHHHHH it's B-A-C-K!!!... .. quick......
save yourselves........
Oh god, no!!!
No...................................

current mood: mischievous
current music: Michael Franti & Spearhead- What I be

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Yes that's a penis up her nose



Friday night we had an impromptu Bachelorette party for a co-worker...
We went dancing....

And of course had the usual penis parafinalia that goes along with those kinds of parties... the penis in question was orginally attached to a tiara that said stud finder until I bit it off... um... right.

All in all it was a good time... I danced my little heart out....

Exhausted.... will write more later...

Sunday, November 13, 2005

"Mama, I'm a pretty princess!"



As I was making lunch for these two.. I hear

"Mama! Mama look! Mama I'm a pretty princess!"

Friday, November 11, 2005

this is an audio post - click to play

Fun with Fellatio


So a while ago three of my girl friends and I went to a wine tasting out here in hicksville.

Now I've only been to one other wine tasting out here and that one was a "mixer" where we just came in, got a glass and went from vendor to vendor. The purpose seemed to be drink, drink drunk. It was fun, and I got to try some wines I normally wouldn't have, and that's good.

The one we went to the other night was a "sit down" one where the wine club decided to try something new and serve food with it.. bites of appetizers, meals etc. that all involved sauces of some sort.

Now I'm not sure if that's what started the subject or not, but now that I'm writing and thinking about it, it had to have some correlation.

We were at the "desert" portion and they were serving chocolate covered strawberries (YUM) and I started talking about chocolate dick.

Now that isn't a reference to a persons race.

It's all about one of my favorite ways to... well.. right.
Basically you get a package of brownie mix, the ones that you don't add anything but water to, and mix it up. Now for the guys comfort, don't do this too far in advance so you don't have to refridgerate it or you will have an issue with longevity.
Makes it taste yummy, and the texture works for the guys too, provided you don't get the mix with nuts.. cuz.. um OUCH?!



Then my girlfriend starts talking about Magic Shell.
Now I'm still somewhat confused as to how this works because I'm pretty sure Magic Shell doesn't harden unless it freezes... and I wasn't close enough to her to hear the whole story, but I'm going to assume it's one of two ways.. and until I find a victim, um.. I mean partner... we'll never know.
So I'm thinking you can put it on while he's not hard and play with him, like maybe put some ice cubes on? Doesn't sound all that much fun for the dude at this point. And then maybe he "breaks out of his shell" as it were, when you really start to play and lick it off? Who knows... Or you just use it in it's liquid form. If that's the case I'll stick to brownie mix.. I like the taste better... although Magic Shell comes in flavors.... hmmm....



I also brought up PopRocks... One girl liked that idea so much she stopped at the store and got some on her way home to her husband. He said she should hang out with us more often.

And then there is the normal stuff.. like whipcream, pudding, mints, ice cubes, etc.

Now.. I have to go...
I need to find a date.

some test...

You scored as Captain Jack Sparrow. Roguish,quick-witted, and incredibly lucky, Jack Sparrow is a pirate who sometimes ends up being a hero, against his better judgement. Captain Jack looks out for #1, but he can be counted on (usually) to do the right thing. He has an incredibly persuasive tongue, a mind that borders on genius or insanity, and an incredible talent for getting into trouble and getting out of it. Maybe its brains, maybe its genius, or maybe its just plain luck. Or maybe a mixture of all three.

Captain Jack Sparrow

100%

Lara Croft

79%

El Zorro

79%

Indiana Jones

67%

Batman, the Dark Knight

63%

James Bond, Agent 007

63%

William Wallace

58%

Maximus

54%

The Terminator

46%

Neo, the "One"

46%

The Amazing Spider-Man

46%

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

I wanna do this AGAIN! NOW!




I want to do this... again.. and again.. and again... even with Mark! (HA!)

I wish oh how I wish this was my "day" job, and not sitting here in an office dreaming of the fun I could have all the while making people laugh!

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

FW:

Or would you like to be here? Ha!



Joey....

Once upon a time... a few years ago... in AZ I met Joey.

He's an awesome guy.
Hilarious, sweet, cute, Joey!

Monday, November 07, 2005

FW:

With Love from Arizona



Joe & Terry...

Mel just sent me this pic from AZ.. a whole story in and of itself that I should write about someday.. but damn I wish I was there right now.. with them..

The pic above was sent too, I think its the bar that used to be a post office....

anyway... missing them badly.

Sunday, November 06, 2005



Jumping in the leaves for the first time.

I remember doing that when I was about six or seven... my sister, mom and I were all out raking leaves, and it sucked!
Hard work for a kid with a adult size rake.

Mom saw us struggling I think and asked if we wanted to make a big pile and jump in, with the stipulation that we knew we had to re-rake everything back up again.

Now I actually remember thinking... that was a lot of work, do I really want to do it?
And I thought of all the kids I've seen on TV that did it, and how much fun it looked like.

So I decided I would.

Big run... huge jump... anticipating... something

Bam! into the leaves...

Letdown

I also remember thinking.. that was it? For real?
Man... now I have to re-rake... that SO was not worth it.



Orleys son Jack, comatose after being around Ella.

Auntie's Pedicure

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

this is an audio post - click to play



Hey ROCK ON!!!

Now I can send my phone pics directly to my blog!!! YAY!!!

This was boo when we moved to our new apt... she wanted my hat!

Halloween




Me and my boo...

Happy Halloween it was.
She would go to the door and say
"Trick or Please Treat"
giggle when she got candy and leave with a
"Thank You, Happy Halloween"

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Pig Tails = Attitude


We had an all day "Rah rah" meeting at work yesterday... ya know the ones that are supposed to give you warm fuzzy feelings about your company and shit?

Right!!!.. Exactly... the ones that give you a headache at the end of the day!!

Now that we are on the same page....

I woke up yesterday morning and knew that I needed a little extra something to get me through the day.

But what?

Alcohol?

No, no that would be bad.... well, if I got caught it would be, plus I might just speak my mind, and well, that would lead to the unemployment line... so yeah, alcohol bad.....

um.... sexy undies? That usually helps... but um... this is an office meeting.. not good we'd have another "hot sauce" day on our hands, and no internet access to outlet some of that energy.. ooooh yeah... that could definitely turn out bad.

Ok.. lets see.... it's Halloween and our department (which ROCKS) is all wearing black "bite me" T's...

well... bitch boots work well, that gives a little something to the attitude... yeah, yeah.. rock 'n roll plaid crop pants... black leather studded belt.......ooohhh! ooohhhh!!!! RED LIPSTICK... yeah yeah that works...um....let's see, not quite there... .

I GOT IT!

PIG TAILS!!! Nothing says attitude, mischief, and "look out" like black bitch boots and Pig Tails.. especially when it's not at a strip club, but at an actual office environment OH YEAH!!!! ROCK ON!!!!

Thanks Orley!

Thursday, October 27, 2005

"Disclaimer reads Warning Explosive Content; handle with care


When did I get here?

My boo is sick... she has asthma issues when she gets colds.. well at least that's what the doc is telling me. So I use a nebulizer and she's on steroids.

When I got the prescription filled for her steroids the pharmacist actually came out from behind the counter, over to where I was waiting for the prescription to be ready and said...

"ok, now... this is more than likely going to have an effect on how your daughter acts. I mean, she'll probably be a little more emotional and a little more hyper, not sleep so well.... so you know."

Now, I'm not sure if that's the "official disclaimer" that they for some legal reason or another can't actually print on the bottle.. or if it's just a nice way to say...

"Look lady... I'm giving your kid some drug that's going to make her nuts and consequentially... you're going to want to beat her.. but don't.. it's not her fault."

Hmmm.. I think.. it's going to be a long week.

This was yesterday morning.

I dropped her off at daycare, and went to work. (I'm the only person bringing home the bacon, and I only get so many sick days a year which are reserved for days with fevers, or communicable diseases, like the measels or something, or she just is so bad she lays there and needs me to hold her. But if she's running around playing, she goes to daycare, cuz I gotta work.)
I gave Shelly instructions not to hesitate to call me, and off I went.

I picked her up at her usual time, and she came with another disclaimer...
"She hasn't slept, she laid down for her nap, but didn't actually sleep."

Oh super..
She happend to be sitting outside playing with sidewalk chalk, and ignoring me.

hmmm... usually she sees or hears me and screams MOMMIE! and comes running.

Nope.

"Boo!"

Nothing except the scrape, scrape, scrape of the chalk on the drive.

"Boo-boo... we have to go home."

She didn't even turn her head, but did however manage to pick up the entire bucket of chalk and dump it.

"Ella, we have to go home, now you need to pick up the chalk and put it away."

Nothing.

A little boy decided he was going to pick it up for her to which normally I would've stopped him and made her be responsible, but there was something telling me to let it be.

I found my self treating her as if she were a bomb someone found and reported to the bomb squad (yours truly) on the drive, and carefully moved in to ask her one more time to get up so we could walk to the car.

Nothing.

"Oh shit.. here we go" I said under my breath...

As I picked her up the ticking of the bomb started to affect her little legs and arms and she closely resembled one of those string puppets where the puppeteer has had an epilepsy attack. Except puppets don't scream "I wanna Waaaaaaaa (breath) aaaaaaahhh (breath) aaaaaaaaaall (breath) aaaaakkk!! (REPEAT.)

I somehow managed to get her little body strapped in the car seat as she hit, kicked and screamed at me.

All the while my inner child and I had a discussion that went something like this:
"Hit her back! Hit her back!"

"No, no,no.. I'm the adult here."

"Awww.. come on just hit her!"

"NO!"

"yeah, yeah do it.. do it.. hit her back, wow... she really smacked you ... smack her back!"

"NO!" I shouted in silence to my self... it's not her fault, she's two.. it's not her fault.. she's two.. I managed to keep on replay in my head drowning out my inner brat.

She screamed all the way home until about a block and a half where she fell asleep mid scream.. no shit. Mid scream.

Well the night went pretty much the same as the 15 minutes I just relayed above so I won't bore you with those details.. when she finallly went back to sleep at about 10:30pm I breathed a sigh of relief, and thought.. thank GOD I have to go to work tomorrow and not be around her all day.

And then...

She woke up.. not until 5:30am.. so no big deal, got ready, dropped her off at daycare. I dressed a little sassy cuz I needed the boost, and I was hoping just maybe I might be able to get a sitter and make it out to Trail....

I was at work about 25 min.. when I got the call

"Linda?, this is Shelly"

"Uh-oh"

"Well.. she's all right, but I really think she's feeling pretty bad, she's not moving.. her eyes are half shut and her mouth is half open...and well... I think maybe you should come get her, let her rest at home."

shit
"Ok.. I'll be right there."

Now... I remember the day before I took the E.P.T. test ... I was on a plane back from AZ where I partied my ass off and had an awesome time, and flying back, completely exhausted the plane seemed to be filled with people who had children... screaming, crying, noisy, seat kicking, whining children... and I thought... man I am NEVER going to have kids!

The following day I took the E.P.T., yep, you guessed it POSITIVE...

Right.

So here I am it's Friday about 7pm.. and I've spent the day with Miss DyNoMitE!

I am on my second glass of wine and she's still awake. I usually never have a glass until she's in bed asleep, and then it's only one, since I'm a single mama and have to be repsonsible incase something were to happen.

My second glass of wine....

Daughter is still alive, unbruised, unharmed, and unbeaten... I had no idea that dynomite was like those trick candles you can buy... that just keep relighting and going out, relighting and going out... I've lost count of how many times she's exploded, screamed, cried, whined (at a very high volume mind you) and how many times I've told myself to give her slack, walk away, she's a baby that's sick and on steroids...oh.. how... I. am grateful for my second glass of wine to combat the ever present whine (at a very high volume mind you.....

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

For Fitz

You're an Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Harmony Park



Let me tell you about something that's been on my mind a lot lately.

Harmony Park.
Spearhead.
Potato Chip Sandwhiches.
Green Stalker Man.
Drumming.
MUSIC
Stars.
Oak Trees.
Tents.
Good Friends.
Laughter.
Smoke.
Love.



Let me tell you about 3 days I spent last summer in a place called Harmony Park.

My friend Orley calls me up and says...

"Linda you HAVE GOT TO get a babysitter for memorial day weekend!"

"Ok... why? what are we doing?"

"The Big Wu Family Reunion" she says, and proceeds to fill me in a little about what it all entails.

Now... people call me a hippie, but I pretty much see me as a hippie wanna sorta be.
I mean I like the ideaolgy.. peace, love..etc., but I like baths too, and as Orley would agree emphatically, I'm a little too uptight at times to actually be a hippie.

I'm working on that.

Sidetracked... let's see... Harmony Park...



The weekend started for Orley, Turtle & D, Friday morning.. they..( well Orley and D ) packed food, supplies, and comforts for all four of us for the weekend, and hauled it all out to Harmony Park. Goddess Bless them!



Turtle?
Well, he ate, smoked, ate, drank, peed, ate, smoked, ate slept, smoked, ate... REPEAT .. for the ENTIRE weekend!

Me?
I had to work until four, and was jumping out of my skin.. cuz I wanted to be on my way... it's amazing how slow time moves when you are one place and you have somewhere else to be.
Time didn't stay that way however, it by Sunday when I was driving home it felt like I blinked and the weekend was over. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I had no idea really, what to expect.

I joined the group at our "home" for the weekend, and met our neighbors Clay and Lisa.



Now these two are a story in and of themselves, which I think Orley should tell someday, but I will tell you this.
Clay NEVER stops. He's always moving, talking, fidgiting, laughing, fixing, cooking etc.
Lisa is his ground. I think she keeps him from flying off this earth truth be told, but all in all two great people.

We sat around the fire that night and enjoyed the awesome oaks, the stars and friendship.

Perfect.

Hadn't even gotten to the music yet.

Turtle and I decided to walk up to the stage and check out Michael Franti & Spearhead.



They started to play.

I stood there in the middle of a bunch of people, and listened, I got the shivers.
"Everyone deserves music, sweet music"

I'm not sure why, but as I listened to the music and look around at the people next to me, the stars above me, a tear started to roll down my cheek.

I was so happy and sad all at the same time. I was happy to be there. I consumed the music, I drank the stars, and breathed life, love, laughter.

I was sad. I was sad that this wasn't the "norm". I suppose not at all unlike a child who is at a friends playing, and doesn't want it to end. Unlike a child in the fact that I realized what it was that I really liked was an idea, the way people treated each other there, should be the way the world worked.

You see the whole time I was there amongst thousands of people there wasn't one fight, one assault, one harsh word utterd. No one thirsted, no one hungered, no one was alone left to fend for themselves. People shared freely, and there was Harmony.

Harmony Park





Friday, October 07, 2005

2. The boyfriend

I met Dean when I was 15.

He was just about to turn 19.

He was my boyfriend all throughout high school, we did everything together...
well actually we did what ever he wanted to do. I know more about classic cars than any girl should.

It was expected in our small town that you would go to school, graduate, get married, and have babies.

I really wasn'’t convinced of that. I hated the small town. I hated how closed minded everyone was, and part of Deans appeal was that he wasn'’t from my home town.

He moved with me to St. Cloud where I was going to college in the fall. He passed up a scholarship to stay with me 3 years earlier, and ended up working production in a company that made eyeglasses. He hated it, and I didn'’t blame him.

I was going to school, working part-time, making new friends and having fun. I tried to include him in everything, but he refused, and would get pissy everytime I stayed at school to work on a project or go research things at the library etc.

It got to the point where I would walk out to the parking lot, only to see him trying to hide in his car, spying on me.

He would follow me to work at 4:30 am, and after classes I would go workout, he followed me there too.

One day as I was going in to workout a guy was getting into his car parked next to mine. He said hello, I said Hi back and thought nothing of it, until I saw a note on my car as I was getting in it to go home. It said
"“hey my name is Tim, I think you'’re gorgeous! Call me...."” he listed his phone number.

Being a freak and not wanting to litter, I threw it into my gym bag and forgot about it.

Dean went through my gym bag while I was in class the next day.

When I got home the apartment was dimly lit and empty... the hair on the back of my neck was up, and chills went down my spine.

Every single picture we had out of us was torn down and pieces of paper were put in their place with words scrawled out un-intelligably. They read: "“True Love, yeah FUCK YOU" "“Me and BITCH"” "“I loved this CUNT"” etc.....

I stood there, not quite sure what to do.

I started to pack a bag, but it was so new in the semester that I didn'’t know who I could go to. I didn't have family close either. think I said to myself...

I heard the doorknob turn.

It must have had a direct connection to my stomach, because I ran to the bathroom to vomit.

As I walked out of the bathroom, I smelled him before I saw him. He smelled like whiskey.
I don'’t remember who spoke first.

He vocalized a few choice names for me that he had scrawled out on paper.
And finally got to the point...
He didn'’t believe that I wasn'’t cheating on him with this guy and that I needed to call thislistened while he listend on the other phone while I told this guy I didn'’t want to see him and never to contact me again.

Now to this day I feel sorry for this guy.

Why?

Because this poor unsuspecting man left a note on a car of a woman he was interested in, hoping to get a response.

Well he got a response. A very loud freaked out chic on the other end of the phone line who was trying to convince her psycho boyfriend that she wasn'’t interested in him, and to get him to admit ( Dean said "“and do it without letting him know I'’m listening, donÂ’t coach him"” ) that they had never gone out, or seen each other before this. Now, I wasn'’t very calm, or thinking of his feelings, and I'’m not sure what I said... but I do remember what I was thinking...

"“God, please... please let him see the truth.. that I don'’t know this guy... and Tim PLEASE don'’t say anything cocky.. I don'’t want to get hit....please"

Then next voice I heard was Dean'’s

"“Tim if I see or hear that youÂ’ve even been close to Linda, I will kill you."

Click.

From there I started to make plans to leave.
I was only working part-time and paying for school which I was doing full-time. There was no help from home on this, and I didn'’t have any close friends in the area. That meant I was going to have to bide my time.

We went threw a few more episodes like this, and I new what to look for, and played the mind games right back at him.
I told him I loved him when I secretly hated him.
I would never skip a goodbye or hello kiss even though I wanted to spit in his face.

I knew how to survive and remain invisible.
How to keep from getting hit.

It had been 3 weeks.

I suggested he go out of town to see our friend in Granite Falls for the weekend, blow off some steam.. hang out with "“his" friends, and I'’d meet him down there after my shift on Saturday.

I didn'’t have to work, I was going to go apartment hunting but I knew if he was around that wouldn'’t happen.... after all.. he followed me to work!

I convinced him.
He called about every four hours friday night, and Saturday while I was at "work"”.
One girl I worked with was nice enough to agree to lie for me, and say I was busy and would call him back.
I stopped and called him back. He wasn'’t smart enough to space out his "checkup"” calls, much less do them randomly.

He had our friend "“A”" call me Saturday night to make sure I was coming.

I didn'’t want to, but I thoughht I had better in order not to arise suspision.

Wrong decision.

He was pretty much drunk by the time I got there and he wanted me to go outside and "“talk"”.
He wanted to apologize for how he had been acting.
He said he had been talking to "“A"” about it, and he had realized how stupid he was being.

I said I didn'’t really want to talk about it right now, lets just enjoy the time with old friends.

He got pissed. Started swearing, and "“A" came outside to see what was up.
"“A"” told Dean to go inside mix a drink for me, and then all three of us would talk about good shit.

It was taking Dean quite awhile to mix a drink, and I was cold so we went back inside.

There was Dean sitting on the couch sunglasses on at 11:30pm and holding.... something.

What the hell was that?....

... a wire or something...?

I said I was going to run to the store to get some soda. I needed to get away from him and breathe.

"“A? I'’m going to go get some soda quick, anything else you need?"

Dean responded with a low slow laugh.

"“What'’s so funny?"”

"“You can'’t go anywhere, I took the coil wire off of your car."” he said through a cheshire grin.

I looked at "A"” for help and before I could say anything Dean took advantage of the situation he created.

"“Let'’s go Linda, I'’ll take you."

Again in the silence I begged A to say something.

Nothing.

"“What's the matter Linda? You don'’t even want to ride to the store with me?"

"“Sure I do... I...just...."

One more time I looked at A.

He winked.

"“ok, Dean let'’s go."

I wasn'’t positive what that wink meant but, I knew A wouldn'’t let me down so I agreed to go.

Still in his sunglasses at midnight, he got behind the wheel, placed his whiskey coke in the cup holder, lit a cigarette and put the car in gear.

Silence.

We were going out of town.

I started to tense up, I knew I needed to break the tension, I needed to act like everything was ok.

I tried to make small talk, tried to think of something that would make him believe that I loved him, only him.
And the conflict between the words and my soul started a war in my stomach.
I thought of everything to not vomit. Just keep talking Linda

My response came from the whistle of the train abarreledoad crossing lights flashed in front of us.

Dean smiled.

As the train barrled through at 60mph, he stepped on the gas and I heard the gravel fly. Then the break.
Gas. Break.

"Do you like this?"” he growled

"What? Dean STOP! Your getting too close!"

Laughter.

Gas. Break. Gas. Break.

"“DEAN!"”

Laughter.

He lit another cigarette.

"“Do you like this?"”

"WHAT?!” NO! STOP IT! What do you mean?"TALK to me"”

Break.

We were inches from the train.

He started to tell me how I was cheating on him and he new it.
How I was a bitch and slut.

The train was gone, and we drove over the tracks.

I started to protest, and say that I wasnÂ’t cheating, I never had. TRUTH.

He started to drive faster.

I tried to tell him that I loved him, loved him more than anything. LIE.

He drove towards the ditch at 80mph. DARE.

"“Do you want to go off? This is what you'’ve been putting me through for the last couple of weeks."

"“Dean. Stop."”

He swerved back to the road.

I looked out the window and realized where we were.

He had chosen the road that had the deepest ditches. He knew that if the car went off we would both be dead.

"“If I can'’t have you NO ONE CAN Linda" he said as he drove back towards the ditch.

"STOP IT DEAN! I don'’t want anyone else... just STOP!"” I managed through screams.

I don't know how often he went back and forth it was probably only a few times, but it seemed like forever. I gave up pleading with him and started to pull my hair at some point. I remember thinking that isituation it hard enough I would be distracted by how much it hurt. It was a poor attempt to at escape the situtation if only in my mind.

The next thing I knew I was being pulled off the floor of the car by A.

I was shaking. I thought I was dreaming, but I knew I wasn'’t, could I be?
I sat down behind the car in the middle of the road.
We were still on the road.

A had been following us.
Somehow he had gotten in front of us and blocked Dean.

I heard them yelling at each other. A had a baseball bat and was hitting the roof of the car, screaming.

I was shaking sitting in a ball in the middle of the road, seeing myself doing it.

How odd I thought

Then I feel A tugging on my arm, pulling me up. He was telling me I needed to get in the car.

"“ok."

We walked towards the car.

This wasn'’t "A's’" car.

"NO!" I screamed

"“You have to get in Linda. I talked to him, and he promised he would just drive back to my place safely if you got in the car. If not he'’s going to kill himself. You have to get in the car Linda."

"NO! PLEASE! PLEASE! don'’t make me ride with him... god.. A.. please don'’t, let me ride with you.. please... PLEASE!"

"“You can'’t Linda. You have to ride with him or he will kill himself."

"I DON'’T CARE!"

"“Just get in the car, he won'’t do anything he promised me."

And with that he shut the door, and I was back in the car.

Dean wanted to talk. He was acting like nothing had happend, he was talking about getting married, where we should live.

I was quiet. I was watching the road, positive that at any moment the nightmare would start over again.

"“Linda?"

"“LINDA!"

"What?.. um... oh... yeah..."

"“What'’s wrong with you?"

"“Nothing, I just have a really bad headache."

"“Lay back sweetie, close your eyes... trust me."

And with that I gave in.
Not because he said to, butsurprisee I just let go. I couldn'’t make it different. I couldn'’t stop him. What ever was going to happen would happen. I gave in.

And to my suprise he drove us back to A's house.

Still shaking I was met by A, who took me in the house and to his room.
He apologized for making me get back in the car but he said he knew Dean wouldn'’t come back if I didn'’t, and that he trusted his promise not to hurt me.

I was in shock. My body was shaking so badly, and I couldn'’t stop.
I couldn'’t even respond to A. I knew he was talking to me, and I was responding in my head, but I wasn'’t saying anything to him.

He tucked me in his bed, and covered me with all of the blankets he could find, and still I shook.

I was cold.
From the inside out I was cold.

I left Dean as soon as I got back to St. Cloud.

I moved in with a girl in a locked dorm building and from time to time I would see Dean sitting on my car in the dark, smoking a cigarette staring up at our window.

Even in the hot summer nights, I shook.

Interesting Life? All the way to Spankings? HUH?



Have you had an interesting life?

This was a quiz idea that was in the seminar I was at yesterday.

Immediately I thought of Butch, Carr, Orley, Michael... yes, yes, yes, and yes.
I mean talking to anyone of these people you kind of feel like you're not really living your life like you could. More like you've missed some opportunities or something.

So I thought about reviewing my life.... to search for something that would seem interesting to someone else.. would someone really read a book about my liife?

Ok.. what would be interesting?... What's happened???

Chapter one?

My childhood?

Normal in the everybody's life is fucked up somehow sense....
My dad was an alcoholic (weird how I can never just write that word.. I have to really think about how to spell it and still never get it right) So he had the temper that went with the angry drunks and you never knew if you were in for it or not.

Now I'm wondering how much of this I should write. I don't want to come off as "oh poor me.. what a horrible childhood I had" cuz I didn't. It wasn't roses, but there are people in a billion times worse situations than I could even imagine. But childhood helps shape who you become, so maybe it's relevant.

The worst thing done (and done often) was "spankings" with dad's leather belt. We never really had to do anything wrong... he would find something or believe we did something and that was it. And he would always preface it with "This is going to hurt me more than it is you."
By the time I was 6 or so I would think "Fuck You" and make a deal with myself that no matter what I would not cry.. I would not let him see me cry. I would pretend it didn't hurt, and I didn't cry until I was alone in my room, and I learned to cry softlly into my pillow.

I was more angry than hurt most of the time.

I grew up on a farm. We had horses, pigs (UCK!) and cattle which meant we had chores to do.

I remember being about 7 or so and I was doing my chores one night, and it had rained. As I was walking my new boot got sucked off into the mud.
I was terrified. I knew if I went into the house without my new boot I would get "the belt" so I started digging through the mud. As I was frantically searching, the sun slowly set for the day.

And there I was... digging for my black boot in the dark, in a good 5 inches of mud.

And then... my other boot got sucked off.

I just sat down and cried.
I don't know how long I stayed out there afraid to go in, but I do remember being cold, getting scared cuz it was dark, and finally giving in.

As I walked through the basement door crying, my dad was there waiting... he was angry cuz I was coming in late.
When he saw me covered in mud, he lost it.

You see about a week prior one of the spankings I had gotten was because I was covered in mud.

It was a very hot summer day and I had decided to go "swimming" in the horses water tank. On the walk back to the house I got muddy. When I got in the house dad asked why I was muddy, and I reluctantly told him I had done.

Now, I wasn't sure why that was so bad, and I'm even guessing now that the reason had something to do with the water was dirty? Or more than likely I made the horses water too dirty for them to drink.

"You were playing in the horse tank again weren't you?"

Through sobs I managed "No."

"Don't you lie to me"

"I'm not. I lost my boots"

"Because you were playing in the horse tank again"

Sobbing even harder, the choking feeling in my throat, I said again quietly

"no."

"Get upstairs, get ready"

So I would get "ready". He always gave us our "spankings" before bathtime.
We would be in our undies, and the smack of the belt would sting so much I swear I would pretend I was someone else.. anyone else... anywhere in the world.

The very last time he used the belt I was 16 yrs. old.

He had company over, and without going into the whole long story, he said I talked back to him after he asked me a question, and I had bruises from my ass to above my knees.

I wrote a note to a girlfriend of mine in school the next day, and she gave it to the school counselor.

I got called into his office, and he wanted me to tell him more.
I wouldn't.
He said he wanted to talk to my dad.

I thought that was going to be the end. I was terrified.

I ended up living with my grandparents for a couple of weeks, and for the rest of my high school days he pretty much refused to acknowledge my existence. Which was fine by me.

I moved out of the house one week after I graduated high school.

He stopped drinking.

I moved to St. Cloud with my boyfriend of 3 years.

I didn't know it yet, but I just jumped out of the frying pan and into oven.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Playin na Durt!




My souveniers from fest this year.

All right.

Back at work 2 days.. still feel pretty much like shit.
Stopped pooping, still feel like puking...
........ Mark you suck.

I feel a little more empty this year at the end of fest, cuz I didn’t get to play the hardest the last day, I hardly got to play at all.
I didn’t get to watch the closing gate, hear the speaches or watch the fire... the emptiness usually felt is only amplified by the sounds I did not hear.

I am dealing with a bacterial infection in my tummy and intestines... TMI?
Hey I didn’t tell you the gory details.
I am drained because of that I’m sure, and I am also pretty positive that’s affecting my outlook on things...

It’s hard to think happy when yo’ feelin’ crappy!

Anywho....
I really got to focus on fest this year because I knew my boo was taken care of, and it allowed me to actually stay in the moment and dive into my character.
Funny.
It’s like every show I’ve ever done.... and like every director always says...
“By the last show you’ll be ready to start.”
It’s when it’s all coming together, really getting on a roll, and it ends... maybe it’s all about “leave them wanting more”
I want more.

I want more.

I want more!

I am really humbled and honored to have won the “Late Bloomer” award...
I know who has won it before me, and I strive to be as good. I am humbled.
I still strive to be as good.
I am honored my peers believe in me. I love what I do out there, and as most of my close friends know I pour myself heart and soul into it.

I want more.

I have tons of people to thank as well and I’m not sure if should list them one by one and what they’ve personally done or just write.

I guess we’ll see what happens.

I was driving home from work yesterday, the first day back since last friday when I was looking forward to the last weekend of festival.
And as I was driving home, I was thinking everything through.
What I have to do: unpack, wash, clean, store my stuff, and a part of me away for another 10.5 months.
I felt a little suffocated at the moment. You know the feeling you get... your throat starts to tighten, you notice your holding your breath, and it’s almost like if you let that breath out you won’t get another.

Now this might seem a little extreme if you’re thinking “All that because the Renaissance Festival is over?”

But you see it’s not just that.

It’s putting away a part of myself that is core. That is my light, my energy, my faerie dust.
It’s putting away a bunch of friends that even though you say “Really this year, let’s keep in touch.” you know it won’t happen. Why? Because there’s no way you could possibly have enough time to spend with that many people if we weren’t all in one place, like we are at fest, and still be with your friends and family you (or at least I) don’t see until it’s over. Peoples hearts are in the right place when they say it, it’s just life that gets in the way sometimes.
It’s putting away moments that are so amazing, and so insanely what life should be on a daily basis, but isn’t.
And I’m pretty sure that it’s not just me...
But it’s putting away the ability to come up with something daily, hourly, in fact every minute..... just for the soul purpose of making someone laugh. That is my “job” when I’m there. I wish that was my job for real.. not just seven weekends out of the year.

The closer to home I got, the tighter my throat got.

I started to force myself to think of what I filled my time with before... just seven short weekends before... and it seemed like an eternity ago. Some place that I had passed and was being pulled back to kicking and screaming much like my 2 year old does when she wants to play outside and we need to go inside....

“NO!”

I thought of my friend Mary.
She always made me smile, we were always on the same wave length. We always had a great time when we were together, no matter what. Silly, smart, funny, creative, amazing Mary.
She’s in Las Vegas.

fuck.

I felt a little more alone.

I pulled into the driveway.

“I wanna playin na durt.”

“Oh boo, mama’s still sick hun... let’s watch a movie.”

“NO! MAMA! I wanna playin na durt.”

“hang on boo, mama’s sick... let me get the mail, I’ll get you out, we’ll go inside and watch a movie.”

“NO!” few tears.. “I wanna playin na durt mama!”

I was frustrated, I wanted to feel good enough to play with her outside, but I felt like shit.
I got out of the car and went to the mailbox (5 steps away) and there sat a little bit of faerie dust... staring me in the face.

It was a letter from Miss Mary Mac.

It’s strange how the world works somedays.

She wrote to tell me she missed me.
The very thing I was telling her in my thoughts not minutes ago. It was almost as if she heard me and her letter appeared in response.

“My forever friend Linda (at least if I have something to say aobut it)....
You are a kindred spirit and that is what keeps me feeling close to you so very far away.”

is her opening line....

And I cried.

I was missing festival, missing friends, missing her specifically, and she was there.
She was and is always there.

So as I packed up my stuff ( well more like shoved it all into one corner of my office) and washed what was wet so it didn’t mold. I realized I wasn’t putting away my friends or my experiences.
They are always there.

Sometimes I need to call out to them to hear me,
and other times I can just use the phone. ;-)

But they are there.
Kindred Spirits.
Forever Friends.
Forever Memories.

And I took my boo outside “to playin na durt” as crappy as I felt...
my boo and I were in the present...
and I was making her laugh...
“playin na durt”

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Don't eat mud, paint or garbage

3 days after fest
3 perscription meds.

Partner in crime is fine
I poop my pants

Can't wait to do it all again

Friday, September 23, 2005

10 minutes in the life of a Graphic Designer with Nothing to design




RendevousConversation:
10:05 AM

Me:
u there?

Friend:
yep

Me:
lets run away today

Friend:
where to?

Me:
lets be completely irresponsible
just for one day

Friend:
i'm up for it

Me:
we can pretend there would be no consequences
so what would you do?

Friend:
are we going to rob a liquor store?

Me:
We could...
Lets see... I would want to first get dressed to kill... but not with my $... so we'd have to get some so we could blow like a grand or more on a pair of shoes

Friend:
that would be awesome

Me:
then go
that would be awesome!

Me:
so then we would go eat at some outragesl....WAIT! We'd go to Paris for lunch!!!!

Friend:
just for Lunch?

Me:
yep

Friend:
I think we should stay there until the afternoon

Me:
ok
deal
then where?

Friend:
then fly to some beach place...where is there a good beach area now?? with all the storms its hard to say

Me:
um....
no storms

Friend:
How about the coast of Spain

Me:
YES
SPAIN!!!!
find us some really HAWT! men

Friend:
that would be great...and just lie on the beach until we get bored

Me:
who will wait on us and find us extremely attractive
that would be GREAT!
and they will be witty and charming and funny and amazing

Friend:
and since we're american they would totally wait on uys

Me:
then we would

Friend:
go shopping a little bit there
and then...hmmm

Me:
oh yeah
for NIGHT wear
and then we would be ROCKSTARS
and have a sold out show

Friend:
Could I just be in the front row...I can't sing or play anything

Me:
sure whatever you want, but if you want to ......you would be awesome

Friend:
that's true!
and I would love to sing

Me:
so you are a ROCKSTAR
with a sold out show
wearing an amazing outfit
and I'm skinny like a rockstar

Friend:
me too!!! mee toooo!

Me:
YEAH!!!!!!!!
and we have rockstar hair

Friend:
And then after the show we would have all the hot groupies come back statge

Me:
yeah
with great bodies
and we would pick and choose... right to their faces

Friend:
and drink

Me:
YES

Friend:
I want the tall dark and handsome one
and we would have them wait on us
of course

Me:
THEY WILL ALL BE TALL DARK AND HANDSOME

Friend:
lol
that's right!!!
and we
will drink...but not get a hangover
and they will all think we are the most amazing girls EVER
because we ARE

Me:
NO NO HANGOVERS
Or that hungover water wieght gain thing
ack wewwwwww pew

Friend:
none of that

Me:
no

Friend:
what do we do in the morning?

Me:
we would go swimming at another great beach.... or the same one

Friend:
Australia

Me:
YES
I've always wanted to go there
with dolphins

Friend:
and see dolphins and go snorkling

Me:
YES

Friend:
what a great day

Me:
I have always wanted to go snorkeling and swim with dolphis

Friend:
yes
an awesome day

Me:
so let's go

Friend:
OK
you first

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Now taking applications for shower toy!


Orley has a shower toy
Peggy has a shower toy

I don't.

All right....

I am taking applications for a shower toy....

Monday, September 19, 2005

College Memories Anyone?



This made me chuckle... as I thought of my college days.

I lived in a old house that was falling apart... literally... buy hey.. it was cheap rent!
The kitchen sink had no hot running water so we would fill ice cream buckets full of hot water from the bathroom sink to the kitchen to do dishes. The bathroom floor had a spot right infront of the shower that you had to avoid at all costs unless you wanted a quick trip into the apt below us, and when the wind blew really hard... so did the curtains.. with the windows closed! I shared this house with 4 other girls, 3 cats, a hamster and a bird.

I don't know why, but we always tried to "out do" each other... pulling off the best jokes, coming up with the craziest ideas...etc.

Some of the best ones I remember are:
"Murder She Wrote"
Tipping over the furniture, knocking the phone off the hook and laying on the floor pretending we were dead waiting for the other 3 to come from the grocery store.

"Lingerie cruising"
This all started as a, well, I'm not sure what to call it really. I wanted to drive a guy that I was seeing nuts.... (he had company, we couldn't be together one weekend) so I conned one of my girlfriend into driving me to his house, while I was dressed in a nice black teddy, thigh highs, and a mid length leather jacket, and 6" heels....so I could knock on his door, flash open my jacket and say "I just wanted to show you what you were missing tonight" (I know.. sad..., but funny.. I'm such a dork) any way... on the way back we were laughing and joking and as cars would pull up beside us I would flash a just enough for them to realize what I had.. or more correctly I suppose...didn't have beneath my jacket. It was hilarious..... and it became a thing we'd do when we were bored... sittin around... one of us would holler out "LINGERIE CRUISE!" And we all run to our rooms, change and hop in the car! (GOD we were dorks!)

"Truth, Dare or Strip"
Kinda a combination of the two games while drinking... so if you lost and had to strip you also had to run around the block.
It's amazing we didn't get arrested!!

"Music Mayhem Nights"
NONE of us knew how to play guitar, or any other instrument for that matter.. but we had Music Mayhem Nights... where we would have to make up a song on the spot... and play an instrument.. mostly just guitar, tambourine or sax. One of the best songs that came out of that was "Ode to a Long Hair"

OOOHHHHH!
One time at band camp..... (wait) No.... no band camp!

Where was this going?

Dunno.

We had a great time with hardly any money, no cable TV, just hanging around being the dorks we were!
Kinda reminds me of festival!!! :-P

Friday, September 16, 2005

Naughty?


I can't sit here... I can't concentrate... I want to GO!

I'm thinking naughty thoughts... stuck here at work... thinking naughty thoughts....

OH GOD... someone help me.....

Is it the weather? Is it that the weekend is almost here? Is it the GINORMOUS mushroom that came to visit at work yesterday (yes for real a ginormous mushroom some lady had growing in her yard.. bigger than my ass)

NAUGHTY, naughty girl.........

OMG!

Help

me

please

someone make the day go faster.....

Anyone wanna meet me for lunch?

NO

YES

NO

YES

OH GOD.....I am insane for real

Oh sooo soooooo naughty!!!! Picture in my head....

HELP!!!

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Passion, Dreams & Hard work!



(Orley... yes I know.. yet another pic of me!!)

Somedays I wish

Somedays I dream

Somedays I ache

The BEST days are the days I actually get to BE.

I used to do a lot of theatre. A small percentage was equity.. but most of it wasn't. That was ok, because I do it for the LOVE of doing it. There is nothing in the world that makes me feel more alive then performing.

NOTHING.

I have postponed my theatre days until my boo is older... I don't want to spend 40 hours a week away from her plus the other 3.5 - 4 hours a night at rehearsal and get home long after she was asleep. I would pay far too high of a price, and so would my boo, that's not fair to her.

But I ache.

Not every day, because she is a light... she fills my life with a joy not found in performing or any other self satisfaction means but in the way of showing me what life really is. Pure joy and wonder.

But I ache.

Especially when I am at "work"... away from her, my little ray of sunshine. I sit at my desk, perform my work, try to be as creative as possible and not drive my co-workers absolutely nuts by my ramblings.

Festival, has given me an outlet.
I get to "perform" for 7 weekends. And I cherish each and every one.

I do at times, find it hard though.

I have performed... played the lead in front a thousand people or more, and never been nervous except for the first rush of adrenaline before each show.

During the day at festival I find myself in awe.... especially when I see performers, the peers that I have admired for years out there... and I get tongue tied.. quiet. I want to do... to be....and I wonder if I ever will get where I want to be.

I think too much. I am so trained in the theatre of not stepping on people or knowing my blocking inside and out, my lines and almost everyone else's that if someone drops something you've got their back. I'm not as confident out on the street... the area of complete improv is challenging, and I love that, and I hate that at the same time. It's so much harder than being directed, learning a script, and blocking. SO VERY MUCH HARDER. But it also gives you freedom... and the character you are trying to portray becomes a living, growing, changing person. Not trapped in a moment of time as in a script.. but thrown out there each new day to react to what happens in her world. Now... the hard part is keeping it interesting for people to want to stop and watch, and each time I'm out there, I get people stopping to watch the train wreck of Antonia for longer periods of time... but I want more....

If someone could direct me to the nearest store where that's for sale, that'd be great! Thanks.

I know. You've got it or you don't.

I want it. I will get it...
I will do more, and I know that I will always ache..
to be more... to do more...
not saying that I'm never satisfied, just I want that rush, each day... my fix, my food for my soul...
someday...........
............. somedays will be most days when I get to
BE.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Hot Sauce!



Lunch is here!

I sat down at the table and unwrapped my grilled stuffed burritto, and began the normal chit chat with the girls at work.

Now I like me the spicy food.... there's this new jalepeno sauce that TJ's has, and it's got some bite!
I poured some of this sauce on my burritto and got a little more than I bargained for in more ways than one.

As I was licking the excess sauce off of the side of my burrito I started to blush.
Now, I don't blush. Well, at least not very easily.

I wasn't blushing from the heat of the sauce but from the scene that was playing itself in my head.


Random thoughts in my head at the moment:
Theivery Corporation, it has been said is "panty dropping music"
Meow
C-Man
Some people should share their knowledge with the world...Take it on the road!
Meow
The summer I was anemic
Biaggis has some great CUNNINGLINGUS pasta, but I've had better, infact I just may have had the best!
"Hello, my name is Raphel, do you like the sex?"

Now it's not making sense you say?

Damn right! It's not! Must be something in the sauce.......

Maybe TJ's has a conspiracy... Their hot sauce is indeed hot in more ways than one.... and they are slowly taking over the bodies of women everywhere... putting naughty thoughts or flashbacks in their heads.... in order to... to... well.. .
THAT'S IT!!!
TJ's is out to get everyone laid!!!
Watch out ladies.. avoid the special sauce!
OR... get it.. and BUY STOCK!

If someone could sort this out... it would be helpful...


Game on!

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

What's up butt?



Here I sit.

at work.

NOT working.

But singing.. well inside voice anyway...
"This ass was made for moving, and that's just what I'll do! One of these days my ass is going to move right out this room! Bommmm ba ba ba bommmm ba ba bommm....
(now, if you can see the visual in my head you would be giggling right along with me... I mean how perfect is the bass riff for a moving ass, especially the not buff, but slightly jigglieness of a 35 yr. old mama ass?)

I have had times in my life where I have been at "work" and hated the job so much, that when the "Ass was made for moving" popped into my head... I did it... I got up, and walked out. Confident of finding another job easily, and since I'm not very materialistic I was never worried about running out of cash.

Now, I'm 35 and a single mom, and I need to be responsible for the boo... she deserves it.



"I keep thinking there must be something better for me.
something where I can shake my ass.
I keep sittin when I should be movin
and I keep waitin on the cash"


Shut up Ass!

I'm stuck here, for now... sittin'!

Bommmm ba ba ba bommmm ba ba bommm....

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

"yeah my stalker friend"


I would like to know why (and since it's happend more than once I'm going to generalize) guys feel the need to disrespect girls they are going out with, dating, hanging out with and or just f*@%ing in order to start going out with, dating, hanging out with or just f*@% a "new" girl.

For example:
I witnessed this scenario this last weekend...

"Is that from your girlfriend?" she asks

He stumbles back with "What?" OH! My stalker friend thing!"

"Stalker?" It looked like you were enjoying it too much to be a stalker."



Now, we all saw this guy with his girlfriend, and they looked happy together... but since he was in a group that included someone he was interested in... he chose to talk smack about her. (He actually has been talking smack about her to all of the friends of the girl he's interested in)
Which of course made all the girls think he was behaving like a dick. (Now, we like him... he is not a dick, but he was at the moment behaving dick-like) Cuz really if he is going to talk smack about someone he is "with" what is he going to say about the next someone he sleeps with?

Guys... it isn't neccessary.

If a girl you are interested in, is flirting back with you... you pretty much are in. If you don't want a relationship and or are already in one... it doesn't... I REPEAT... DOESN'T make you more appealing if you talk shit about a girl you choose to spend some quality time with. Terms like psycho, stalker, wierd etc. shouldn't be used to describe people you CHOOSE to be with especially if you are describing them to someone you would like to start hanging out with.

Maybe he did it to make himself feel better about the situation?
Who knows?

Friday, September 02, 2005

War


We all know from my infamous GINORMOUOS SPIDER story that myself and the arachnoids don't get along.
You see they insist on tracking me down and terrorizing me, and I, well... I guess I repeatedly just about pee my pants everytime I see one.

I moved from the apartment with the GINORMOUS MUTANT SPIDERS into a new apartment hoping to rid myself of the spider army once and for all.

Well....Not so much.

The place I moved into is an older house in which I rent out the bottom (main level) 3BR apartment. Great character in this place.. it has the dark thick kick boards and archways that are usually found in older homes. And it is close to the lake, I can look out my living room window and see the lake, it's a great view!

Uh... huh... I know.. lake, older house... and I should be expecting spiders right?
My response?

"Hi... have we met? My name is Linda.. yes, yes I do like my world.. would you like to come in?"

Well anyway, I have lived in the new place for about 2 weeks now, and have seen at least 3 spiders. They are at least all of a different variety, so I can safely(?) assume that it is not the spider army from the old apartment. I think.

The first spider encounter in the new place went rather smoothly.. (my mom was with me and I calmly called her over to rescue me from hideous large spder) and she said "Oh Linda... it's just a little spider, squash it!"

Now I'm 35... you would think she would know that the previous 31 years of telling me that exact phrase has not really worked and that it probably NEVER WILL.

The second spder encounter happend later one night... (tricky bastards.. always waiting for the dimly lit hours.) I had just purchased a fabolous desk for my office/3rd bedroom and successfully loaded it into and out of my VW Bug (no small feat, small bug) and put my boo to bed, and started the task of assembling desk... with hutch.. and shelves... oh yeah, I'm a master carpenter now... sans penis. I knew that a penis wasn't a necessary tool for construction!!!! Nothing can stop me now!

I was screwing the right hutch part onto the base of the desk and saw something black and bug like out of the corner of my eye. I was concentrating on the task at hand (putting the desk together with no power tools, just a regular screwdriver, makes for long work)
As I was turning the last screw in, my brain started to turn as well and kicked into "OH SHIT! IS THAT A SPIDER?" mode.... so I froze, took a breath, and slowly turned my head towards the black legged thing in question..... OH SHIT!!!!! IT IS A SPIDER! (Freakin things... new I was concentrating on the desk.. it probably been watching waitng to attack for a while)
I frantically scanned the room for something close by to kill it with ( my mom would have just slapped the thing with her bare hand..... Mommy?)
I couldn't move too far away because it was on the move.. and I didn't want to lose sight of it. You know... the keep an eye on your enemy thing.
There was nothing in reach so I realized I was going to have to use what I had in my hand... my screwdriver. Small surface area with which to make contact, HUGE room for the possiblity of missing the freakin thing. Well... I had no choice so I pulled my hand back, held my breath and brought the screwdriver handle down on it... kind of. I must have hit some part of it, it dropped to the floor and stayed there, we had a staring contest for about a minute and it didn't move so I must have killed it..... ...........or did I?
I went back to work on the desk. I had to get behind it to attach the corner shelf part and realized that I was by the corpse of the spider... or at least I should have been F*@%ER! He was only playing dead Damn I hate those tricky bastards! Now I don't know where it is, but I'm trying to convince myself that I wounded it mortally and it made it back to it's little spidey friends and told them with it's last audible breath, and showed them that if you mess with the new occupant you will die!

Well that must not have worked.

This morning I woke up.

They sent the freakin four star general!

This spider, this BIGGER THAN GINORMOUS, FOUR STAR GENERAL SPIDER was directly above me on the ceiling.

I wanted to pretend I was dreaming or more correctly having a nightmare... but no... no... the F*@%King thing was real.. staring at me with all of it's beady freaky eyes... each leg ready to pounce on me from any direction (they have eight you know) OR... maybe the F*@%King thing was waiting until I yawned and was going to kill me by suicide? Jumping into my mouth so I choked to death. (did you know you sallow 8 spiders a year?) SHIT!

I slowly moved out of bed, fully convinced this is was it. The spider was going to win.

When I got out from under him, I moved as quickly as I could and pleaded with my brain to wake the fuck up, and remember where the RAID was.... UNDER THE SINK!!! YAY!!! Not still lost in the sea of boxes that have yet to be unpacked.

I cautiously entered the bedroom, Raid can raised high, trigger finger ready.

Now how the hell am I going to get this thing... he has chosen his battle position well. If I spray him he will jump on me from above. I must get on the bed off to one side.. AH HA! He's hoping I will slip and fall off of my satin comforter! BASTARD! I know how they think!
I carefully got on the bed and sprayed... knowing full well that I wouldn't have the pleasure of watching the General die, because he would jump down and run away before I could get him completely covered in the foamy pile of chemical he so badly deserved. And I sprayed, and he did..... he jump down, and crawled away.. and I continued to spray in all the crevices close by until I was breathing in Raid... ok.. not good, Raid for spider, not Linda. Um... I felt a little ill. But I knew that the if the General made it back to the Spider Army Lair that there would be hell to pay, so I sprayed around the doors and the windows and went into the office and sprayed there just incase that little tattle telling bastard spider that summoned the General in the first place was still alive.. and I sprayed saying my mantra.. die mutherf*@%er DIE!

Oh it's on now.....
I am stopping at the store on my way home and I'm purchasing bug bombs.. it's a 3 day weekend.. no one's going to be there except the Spider Army.. and they will DIE!!!!!!!!

Oh... and just for all you people whom the spiders have tricked into thinking they are harmless.. here is a prime example.. this spider dude has a website.. on spiders.. he's been missing since 1999... HELLO? THE SPIDERS GOT HIM!!!!
http://www.hobospider.org/

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

There's this saddness about


Today is sad.

There is this overwhelming heaviness in the air.
There are a multitude of things happening with my co-workers, but nothing specifically sad happening directly in my life.

There is a girl at work who found out her dad is dying of cancer. The Dr.'s have given him 6 - 12months to live. I get a lump in my throat everytime I think of it. I can't imagine what she is going through, much less figure out how to make it better, other than trying to make her laugh.

Another girls dog just died. It was 15 years old, so she's saying goodbye to a longtime friend.

And T just went out on maternity leave.... for a year! That should be happy, but she will be missed daily here at work... she has a great sense of humor.

So here we are... at work, everyone's extremely quiet, with this heaviness pressing.... something I can physically feel on my heart, and in my throat.

I want to get up and shake my ass, just to break the tension.
But I won't.
I will sit here quietly and listen to my ipod, and think of better things...

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Furniture Finds & Failures & the odd msg from interested man....

So...
I moved.

Sold my old furniture and bought new, and it's taking a while to get used to the new stuff, but I'm sure it will be lovely!

Question.

Have you ever bought something and then not wanted it anymore? But still kept it anyway because of the "Minnesota Nice" or just the "Awwwww. *uck it" attitude hits?

So.. I LOVE Craigslist. I have sold things there, spent some time laughing my ass off at the "Best of Lists" and recently just bought something off of there... a futon. Yes, folks there wasn't even a picture listed, but I called the guy he described it and I said I'd take it! I just needed to find transportation on account of my beloved VW Beetle ownership.

Now I'm not sure if it can be classified as an impulse buy because I have been wanting to purchase one for a while for my new "office" at my new apt. but I'm thinking that since I didn't even bother to look at it... it must be falling somewhere close to this category.

(SIDE NOTE: Dude that asked me out is just calling now....hmmmm... not going to answer... will update if he leaves a msg.)

I agreed to purchase said futon last Friday. Futon owner called last night to see when I was picking it up. Now, the girl I was going to borrow the truck from has broken it, so I started to think all right forget it.. I'll call the guy and say I'm going to pass on the futon. Then my consience kicked in and the words "you'll take it? OK! I'll remove the post from Craigslist right now!" rang loudly in my head.

SHIT! That would not be cool....

So I answered, explained I don't have a way to transport it, and he offered to deliver it for $20 bucks. Fair price.. I live in hicksville after all.

(SIDE NOTE UPDATE: Msg: "Hi Linda this is D....Just calling to see if you had a good day, and I'm looking forward to seeing you soon.")

So I'm getting mysterious, unseen futon delivered to my door around 6:30pm... hope it hasn't been peed on or anything. Hmmm.. now that I'm thinking of things like that... hope it hasn't been slept on by "Mr./Ms. Super Sexy Player" and has enough DNA on it to populate a small town... like... well, hicksville or anything... EWWWWWW!

Can you clean futon mattresses?

I'll have to drink on that one... I mean, THINK on that one.

Awwwww *UCK IT!

Monday, August 29, 2005

Jump with or without the Parachute?



I wonder if guys think about first dates at all.
Well, past the thought of if they're going to "get some" or not anyway.

I think girls might just think about first dates way too much!

This question comes up because I was asked out by someone neither myself or my friends know at all.
Out of the blue, this very attractive man saw me, sought me out and asked very politely if he could call.

Now first dates can go either way, and there is usually some nervous tension even if you've known the person through other friends or talked to each other a few times before hand. But in situations like this, there are a few more random thoughts that pop into a girls head.
Like in my head at this moment:
Wow, that was intense... was it too intense? But damn he's cute!
He's called twice in 24 hours.... does he have issues? (He likes me... he really likes me) (OMG I think I puked a little)
I wonder if he always does this? (See's someone and zeroes in on them this strongly)
Wow.. I'm thinking about this way too much....do I have issues? :-P


OR

Am I too apprehensive?
If this was earlier in my dating life I would be ecstatic... I would be lost in his eyes, and the thought of such a strong connection.. the intensity of the moment we met.... Ahhh... the romance

BLEH!

Having been disillusioned, or perhaps brought into reality by a few previous experiences, here I sit...too much time on my hands and I think.

Then there's the whole "safety" issue... driving and meeting him there so I'm not in the car alone with him, cuz really... I DON'T KNOW HIM. And lets face it, I seem to meet some pretty off the wall people..it's the vibe. But all in all it's a good vibe, my life has been an interesting ride so far, and I'd hate to lose that.

So, if I were a guy.. (guys feel free to input your thoughts) I would be thinking nothing more of his cute little ass.
No, that's not fair... the whole Basic Instinct thing is out there isn't it? And most guys I've met usually have one psycho stalker chic story to share... so I guess it 's a dating thing then.

I'll stop thinking and jump.. in my cute little dress that I'll wear for the date, I'll jump without my parachute.. cuz after all... that's how I like to do things!... um.... at least I think I do..!?!?

Friday, August 26, 2005

As the Sun Burns....



Update from yesterdays post.... thought the Soap Opera Reference was called for.

As I approached the receptionists desk with dread I felt a little unconnected to my body.
"Hi, Linda Clayton to see Dr. Lebine"

The two receptionist sitting behind the desk look at each other as if to say, "are you going to get this one, or what?".
After a short stare off, the one that lost says In a high pitched exasperated voice "I don't see your name, what time was the appointment for?"

"1:20"

"TODAY?"

"Yes, today."

"When did you schedule it? Do you have your slip?"

"I scheduled it about a month and a half ago, and since I did it over the phone, no, I don't have my 'slip'."

"Well, I'm not seeing you....

(and I think..."Bitch, I'm right here, you don't have to be so rude.")

With another exasperated sigh she huffs "Did you talk to a nurse or a receptionists?"

Are you for real? Ok, remain composure, on top of being nervous I manage to stay calm.

"I don't know, whomever answered the phone that day."

"Well you're not in the computer"

NO SHIT! I'm right here... in a place that I didn't want to come to in the first place, and now that I've taken a half day off of work, you're going to tell me that your schedule is off and I'm not in the computer!!!!
Ok.. breathe Linda.. you'll get farther if you are nice... the whole flies with sugar thing... bleh...

I explain how hard it would be to reschedule, and ask if there's anyway I could still get in, and finally we come up with the solution of I will be fit into the schedule but all the people that are in the computer go before me.

"Do you have any idea how long it could be.. I have to be back in hicksville by 3:15 for another appt....?"

Out of no where (well over my right shoulder and a little to the right) a came a voice...

"She can have my appointment, it's at 1:30"

I turned my head with my mouth open in awe of the random act of kindness from a complete stranger.
There sat the stereotypical sweet little old lady... Gray hair pulled up in a bun, silver thin rimmed glasses, rosy cheeks and sweet smile both hands clutching her pocketbook on her lap.
I stumbled over my words of thanks, stunned by her kindness, and struck up a conversation to try to see if there was something I could give back.
It turns out she owns a B&B in St. Cloud and has a website but it isn't showing up in the search engines very easily... now, I do graphic design, but I am dumb when it comes to websites. I told her I thought it might have something to do with how her description is in her site. I do however have a friend who does know some stuff about websites, and I would get her in touch. I gave her my number, as my name was being called for the appointment... her appointment, and left her in the waiting room, hoping I could repay her favor.

Back to the harsh reality of my visit.

The nurse comes in, throws me a gown, and I get undressed, and wait... in my cold little hospital gown and my cotton thong...trying not to think of what was to come.

They're going to cut me.
(yes, I'm a wimp)

Dr. LeBine enters with an assistant, and starts the search, and thank god he didn't start the lecture.
He found 3 areas he wants to cut out, he circles them, leaves and the nurse injects me with numbing agent... he comes back in, and starts to cut. God I hate that feeling. I can feel his hands on my skin around the area he's going to cut, and then this odd, pressure. I know that he is cutting deep into my skin and there is blood and it should be hurting instead of this... odd, numb, scraping I'm feeling, and I'm not sure what would be worse at this point.
I must say one of the areas was a little awkward as his head was, well, um.. in between my thighs. Now I've had some shall we say less than great experiences in that position, but this was definitely the worst experience I've ever had in that position, and maybe it's just me, but I couldn't help but think about a better reason for his head to be there.... maybe it was a coping mechanism... or maybe I need more sex in my life... :-P ANYWAY....
By the time he gets to the third spot, I feel a little nauseous, and a tad shakey....the nurse bandages me up, he lectures me to take care of the areas, come back in 6 months unless pathology shows bad news, and he's out the door. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am.. yep, his head should have been there for a better reason!!!!

So now I wait... I take care of the bandages, and wait for 2 weeks for the results.

I HATE waiting.

And there's no one who can switch appointments with me on this one.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Nervous...


Today I have to leave work... in about 5min... to get cut up.... YIKES!!!!!

I was a massive sun worshiper when I was a teenager up till about the age of 26... and I'm paying for it now.
I'm supposed to go every six months to get checked, cuz two years ago they found 2 pre-cancerous spots.

I haven't been back, but I'm going today, and I'm dreading it.

I will post more tonight.