Thursday, October 14, 2010

And they come....

Sitting at my desk at work.... feeling like hands are around my neck, and I'm suffocating.

YES. I know.

"You should be happy you have a job."

Fuck you I KNOW.

And I think that's what bothers me the most. Why can't I be like everyone else and just put in the hours, get my measly check go home and not have it affect me?

What the hell is wrong with me? Why do I feel like this?

Why is it, I feel like I'm suffocating?

I've worked a lot of jobs in my lifetime... starting at the age of 14. I've done production line work, and swore I would never do that for a living... one of the biggest reasons I went to college. I knew I needed more. I need to feel like I'm doing something that's either making a difference or creating something.

It's like that song... where she talks about having to get the words out on paper because they're threatening the life they belong to. I'm slowly suffocating. I don't want this.

I am looking for a new job, I'm looking for a way out. I just don't see one. And I'm scratching at the coffin lid, screaming in silence that I'm buried here, alive...

What if it never comes? What if I'm stuck in a job that is slowly sucking my life away? How do I change my attitude about it? I do I change the physical feeling of being suffocated or nausea at the thought of being here?

I don't expect work to be fun all of the time. I don't expect to do things that are always things I want to do. But I do expect to not feel like this. I can't. I love to work hard. I love to play hard.

Right now?

Well now, I feel the odd sensation of my heart beating hard in my chest and my throat tightening and tears on my cheeks. I can't find my way out. And I don't know what to do to pass the time.

And before you lecture me.... I know that work is called work for reason, I know that I'm not entitled to anything, I know that in this economy I should be thankful I'm employed at all.... I KNOW IT. And maybe that's why I'm struggling so much... I'm fighting hard to change my attitude, my perspective, I'm fighting to keep fighting... I'm getting tired.