Tuesday, February 28, 2006

this is an audio post - click to play
this is an audio post - click to play

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

What's the deal?

As I sit at my desk in front of my computer and sip my coffee I have one of "those" moments.

Now you may ask yourself... "what do you mean by one of "those" moments?"

Well my dear friends... let me tell you.

I'm working, like normal, doing a boring small adjustment task, and I suppose I was thinking.... this is such a small task, surely I can do it and take a sip of coffee at the same time.

This my friends is where I was wrong.

It's almost like every once in a while your body decides to fuck with you just a little. You know, you're doing something you've done a million times before without problems, and most times with the grace of a ballerina... the ease of an olympic athelete... the confidence of a.. ah... ah .. confident person.

(obviously the power of speech is failing me as well)

Back to the point at hand...
I take a sip of my coffee (which by the way I did with as much success and confidence as any actress in a foldgers commercial) and as I'm taking the coffee cup away from my mouth something odd happens.... for some reason my brain has failed to tell my hand to tip the cup back to it's locked and upright position and coffee pours all the way from my boobs, the keyboard, and back to where I set my cup.

Clearly this is my body's joke of the day.
I wonder how long it plotted this.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Scientists discover new species of assassin spiders

Oh yeah.. this is all I need!

This conjours images of the previously posted ( a july post) about spider army that follows me, cheering in praise... calling out to their colleague to come and assinate their arch nemisis poor little ol' ME!

I mean really think about it.... This spider assassin has managed to stay hidden, like GOOD assassins do for how many years?


Maybe they have been hidden, but the evil spider army has now summoned them and that's how they were found out!!!!

I'm gonna die.

Die a horrible death, assassinated by a freaky spider.
this is an audio post - click to play
this is an audio post - click to play

Thursday, February 16, 2006

mmm.. sexy goodness

Most days, I think I do all right in the looks department.

I'm not a girly girl in the sense that I have to wake up 2 hours before I have to leave in order to get my hair and make up just perfect. In fact I'm pretty much the opposite.

I have good intentions, I mean before I go to sleep I'll set the alarm for 45 minutes before I'm supposed to leave thinking I'll have time to do something with my hair, and perhaps put on some mascara. But it never fails... the alarm goes off, I wake up out of a dream I don't want to, look at the alarm clock in disgust, and listen to the oh too chipper DJ's talking about something I don't really care about.

Then comes the ritual conversation in my head.

"Ok, get up"


"yeah, come on... it's time to get up, if you get up now you can have a long hot shower, maybe even shave your legs."

"Oh fuck the shaving my legs...it's not like I'm having sex anytime soon"

"Oh now you did it... that's a depressing thought... yeah, stay in bed.. 5 more min"

"No really, I should get up, I should face the day with a positive attitude, if I get up now I could at least have a quick shower, and put some lotion on before I do make-up"

"Who cares about moist soft skin, it's not summer yet, and reallly, no sex.. remember?"

"Shit... ok.. 5 more minutes".....

"WAKE UP! it's been 15 minutes!"


Thus begins the day of rushing to the bathroom, quick shower, brush teeth, put neccessary hair concoction on hair so I don't look like a walking qu-tip, and if I'm lucky some mascara. Well.. maybe if the rest of the people I come in contact with are lucky, cuz really... I don't care. I've actually always been a little pissed that women are supposed to put on make-up to become more attractive. I mean, what the hell? If we're gonna play by the rules then in all fairness men should have to wear make-up too, their skin isn't perfect, maybe not eyeshadow and mascara but a little blemish control might come in handy.

But I digress....

Anyway.. the point of this little story is I got to work today, after a quick shower, and a little mascara, and thought to myself as I sat here waiting for work to come in that I could use a little lotion. I actually patted myself on the back a little for using time management skills. I mean really.. I got to sleep an extra 5 minutes, got my shower, got to work only 3 minutes late, and I have lotion in my desk, well it's not actually on my desk, it's sitting in a bottle on my desk... so as I wait for my work to come in I can take that time to moisturize, in case someday I might get some.

As I put lotion on my hands and still no work had appeared I thought "Oh, I should really moisturize my legs too" so I rolled up my jeans (YAY Flare jeans) and proceed to put lotion on.

Now this right here my friends is where I had an ephiphany.

As I looked down at my glow in the dark white hairy legs, my white sweat socks that go all the way up to my knee (it's cold out there folks) my black shoes... I started to laugh. I mean now this is some sexy goodness happening right here.

If you are brave click the picture for a closeup of the sexiness... but the poster is not responsible for any retna damage that may occur.

I think tomorrow I'll make a better attempt to get up when the alarm goes off.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Thursday, February 02, 2006


So dear friends.. it seems one of our be-loved has chosen to vacate... packin' up and movin' out....

Miss Jen Taylor is heading for New Orleans.

Please join Orley and I as we host a little soiree n : a party of people assembled in the evening (usually at a private house) , or in this case a private place like the '90s? to say goodbye to our good friend Jen, THIS SATURDAY the 4th

We plan on meeting around 9pm upstairs for good times, drinks and laughter....

And why yes.. yes there IS a theme... Cajun.. New Orleans... like... think of it.. and wear what you will... I plan on attending in a cowboy hat and rain boots thank you very much!

I know this is short notice, but Miss Jen hasn't given us much time as she is leaving next week. So... please join us in sending her off with an amazing time and good memories!!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

esssssss -----eeeeeeee------eexxxxxxxxxx!

All right.

That's it.

I have been without the sex for far too long now.

Do you want to know how I know?

Weeelllll.. let me tell you.

I have a few things that have started to happen to me recently that can only be explained by lack of sex.. seriously there are no other logical explanations. It's like a whole new symptom checklist....

First.. it's not too much sex that makes you hard of hearing, it's the lack of. I swear to goddess that everytime someone says something I hear something completely different.

Hell no! you say?

Well for example... my co-worker says "Jesus Christ I fucking hate that guy"
and I HEAR "What's with this jiz cream?" not even remotely close... I know!
I have not listened to louder than normal music lately, nor been to a concert....it can only be attributed to my lack of sex.

Second... I was reading items for sale in the classifieds, and I thought it said "CALL Girl Barbie", but no folks... it was "C-a-l-i Barbie"

*whew... *

Granted somehow most Barbies look like call girls... or DO they? SHIT! maybe that's lack of sex too?


Third... Dreaming is something I fear. I used to have those strange dreams about flying or work, or scarey spiders... but now.... my GAWD! Now I wake up exhausted cuz I was having hot monkey sex all night long, and wake up to find it was only a dream, and wanting it more than ever!!! THIS IS DEFINITELY caused by lack of sex.

Fourth... even remotely attractive men are becoming greek gods....

Somebody stop me.. before I succumb completely to this.