Thursday, June 29, 2006

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Chronicles.... "Denial"

Denial

Im not sure why, and right now Im wondering if its passed down from generation to generation or if it is fact nurture. But guilt and denial run rampant in the women in our family.

Im thinking it might be a little bit of both.

I have lived seeking confidence in how others view me, and paralyzed by the fear that somehow I am not good enough and unfortunately I think Ive learned this from my mother.

As a child I watched her be humiliated by my alcoholic father. He not only cheated on her but was verbally and physically abusive towards her. I dont think that this is an excuse for living my life a certain way, or continuing to make bad choices, but I do think that in the area of learning what relationships are or are supposed to be, I started at a slight disadvantage.

When things started to get to the point where I couldnt ignore them anymore with Edrick, I didnt even think of standing up for myself and telling him to fuck off. Instead I wondered what was wrong with me, why I wasnt good enough.

I remember being out with him at a restaurant or walking down the street, and he would brazenly gawk at other women. When Id ask him what he was looking at hed make up this ridiculous story about how he had done some really bad things when he lived by New Ulm, and people were out for him, so he needed to watch his back.
I said Oh theyre sending out attractive females to hurt you?
He replied through anger Theyre going to send people that wouldnt make me suspect them
(or some other bullshit like that).

He told me a story about one of his best friends, who was a girl, from his early teen years. She had a crush on one of the popular kids in school and eventually got to go on a date with this kid. After the date, the popular kid ridiculed her to the point of depression.

A few days later Edrick found the girl in the woods where they used to hang out.
She had locked herself into an abandoned car and set it on fire, killing herself.

Edrick and his best friend hatched a plan to make this guy pay for what he had done. He was a known drug user so they grabbed him one night and gave him an overdose of heroin. The authorities ruled it an accidental overdose, and essentially they got away with murder.

......Now you may be asking yourself what the hell I was thinking because obviously I didnt run away from him right then and there.

I dont know.

Looking back I remember thinking this has got to be a bullshit story. But why would anyone say anything like that? Trying to make himself seem bigger than life I suppose. Why did I stick around someone who would lie like that?

That sad part of the truth of this, is as bad as it was for him to lie, and as transparent as his lies were, I refused to see past them. I didnt want to think I had run from one bad situation directly into another, especially how shamefully I left the first one.

I didnt want to think that this person I had such a strong connection with could be as crappy as he was showing me he was. I wanted to believe that he was as wonderful as the connection or chemistry between us made me feel.

Basically I was looking outside of myself for my happiness, seeing only what I wanted to. I had an idea in my head of how he was, and damn it, he wasnt going to be this liar, this cheat that he was showing me he was... I wasnt going to see that and no one could make me.

But I did see.

I did feel.

And when I sat in silence with myself, I heard my screams.

I deserve better,

I am better,

and still I stifled it.

We were on again off again for another year. When I could no longer ignore who he was, when I had people telling me to my face that he was cheating, when I was ashamed to be around my friends, and the cast for the show I was in, I found myself once again looking at the face of the monsters within.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Chronicles.... "When We Met"

When we met

I met him at the first rehearsal for “The Rocky Horror Show” I had gotten the lead and he was to play “Rocky”.

I was unimpressed the first time I saw him, I actually thought he looked a little like a monkey, and was too loud, trying too hard. But.... there was something about him. Something that made me want to know more, yet at the same time, there was this knowing, this feeling that he was.... well, wrong.

My first thoughts during that first rehearsal were that he was a player (which he turned out to be) insecure (which I still believe he is, and I felt bad for him) and immature.

Despite all of this, there was this “electricity” between us, this chemistry that everyone else around us felt and commented on.

I was at the end of a failing 7 year abusive marriage. I was depressed, and theatre was my life line, it was the only reason I had for getting up each morning. I had been in 7 productions in the last year, trying to hold onto my passion for life, trying to run from the monsters within. I didn’t know it then, but I was running toward them at the speed of light.

Everyone thought Edrick and I were an item before anything had actually happened, I loved the idea of it. Being around him was like being energized, seeing things for the first time again. He made me feel like I was the most beautiful, amazing woman in the world.

I cheated on my husband with Edrick one night after rehearsal. He called me the next day and my husband answered the phone. I couldn’t believe it. I was sick to my stomach. I couldn’t believe this was my life. I was cheating. I wasn’t happy, the counseling had failed, the abuse had continued, and I had found another way out. Edrick.

I am not proud of how I exited that marriage. Yes he was abusive, yes he was cheating too (which I only came to find out about after I left), but that doesn’t make it ok for me to do what I did, and I am deeply sorry for how I finally left. That said, I do not regret leaving, I should’ve left long before I actually did.

I told my husband I had met someone else, packed my two suitcases and left (for the 3rd and final time). I was too ashamed to stay at my friends, and already addicted to Edrick. I moved in with him and his roommate until I found a job and an apartment.

This was at the end of October, by the middle of November he proposed (to which I thought he had to be joking) and by the end of November Edrick was sleeping with his ex J., telling me they were just friends. I knew in my heart he was cheating, but I didn’t want to believe it. Or maybe I thought I deserved it for how I left my husband.

There were plenty of signs, if I would have only actually looked, and been willing to see.

He said J. couldn’t know about me “because it would hurt her too much”
He could explain anything away, or rather I let him.

I listened to everything he told me, and wanted to believe him.

I found another place to live but still stayed with him most of the time, or he stayed at my new place.
We eventually moved into a house together, and things got worse.

He was cheating on 3 of us; me, J and another girl “T”, and who knows how many others.

T. and I eventually became friends, and still are to this day. I have been ashamed to be around T for a very long time. And I didn’t realize that was why I was avoiding her. But in the last year I looked at the situation, quieted myself, and realized I was embarrassed that I was still involved with him.

She was strong, wasn’t fooled by his lies, and had enough self respect to tell him to get bent when he treated her shitty, and when she found out what he was telling me, while he was sleeping with her.

I wanted to be her for that moment. For as much as I talked big about how I was going to dump him and never ever go back when we had our little talk and found out the lies he was telling both of us, I didn’t. I went back, felt shitty every time I saw him, but did it anyway. I’m still not sure why. That part I have not figured out yet, and I need to.

I think I’m getting closer to that every day.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Preface to "The Chronicles I wish were of Narnia!"

I believe life puts before us things that if we work on will make us stronger better people.

I believe that we have or feel instant connections with certain people because of this. That said, sometimes there are people that you seek out that you want to journey this life with, and others are put before you to challenge you, to discover something about yourself or your life, and move on. The catch is, to me, sometimes you can’t tell the difference, but you can tell the connection. I also believe that if you don’t get things worked out, and struggle your way through it you will continue to meet the same type of person over and over until you have succeeded in the area you need to.

I believe there is a lesson put before me in Eric, the ex before him and the ex before him, etc. You see they all are very similar in nature. They are not here for me to say what’s wrong with them, but to see what is truly within me.

My best friend and I were talking one day about what I liked so much about the guys I’ve dated. One of my responses was “I love when they can look at you and make you feel like you are the best/prettiest/most amazing person in the world”

She promptly responded with “Hmm... yeah, I don’t get that, because I do that for myself”

I was floored, I had an “Oprah Ah Ha Moment” if you will.

I mean really... why did I look to others for that? I will never find that in someone else, it’s within me. I want to make sure I raise boo with that confidence, that strength, and so far so good. She looked at me this morning and said the best thing I have ever heard her say. We were talking about what she wanted to do with her hair this morning, I had aksed if she wanted her hair a certain way “like faiths” and she said... “No mama, I wanna look like ME!”

I believe the connection that I felt for Eric is more about me than it is about who he is as a person. I am at fault for letting him treat me the way he did, and for taking him back each time he treated me like shit. The first time was his bad, the following times were because of my lack of confidence in myself, my non-existant (at the time) sense of being the person I truly am. I see who he is as a person, and I don’t like him. I didn’t act on that, but the feeling of this connection with him, I thought it meant we were supposed to be together. I have grown a lot since I met him 6 years ago, I have surrounded myself with strong, caring, amazing individuals, who I am blessed to be able to call friends.

I am writing these “Chronicles” as more of a release for myself. And who knows maybe I will find something else in there that I’ve overlooked, and learn more about myself in the process. Please remember when you are reading these, (if you choose to :-P ) that it’s in the past, it may sound like the pain is new and fresh, but it’s my story... my release.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Harmony Park




I had the most amazing weekend.

Camping at Harmony Park for the Big Wu Family Reunion.

I'll post more about it later, when I get more pics.

oh.

and.... "Clouds, are COOL!"

Thursday, May 11, 2006

One night...

There are some nights that are just too painful to think that you might just actually make it through them without going mental, and then, there are those nights that you can't believe it's 2 am and time to go home, cuz it feels like you just started out.


Cocky Bastard, and Nick the Dick
We saw these guys and I thought that the guy in the green shirt, must be a cocky bastard, But... cute. Mary decided she should explain this to him, and a couple of minutes later he walked up to me and introduced himself as "Cocky Bastard" to which I replied "Hi, I'm Judgemental Bitch"





"Um you bite what?"



This man, (otherwise known as Mary's Stalker) was extremely friendly, and was funny as hell when he was telling the story of the squirrel that broke into his apartment. But~ when he started to wonder outloud why not one girl he's given his phone number to in the last six months has returned his phone call, it started to get weird. Mary being the kind heart she is must have decided he needed to be saved, because she kept up the conversation, in which he started talking about biting.. you know... like vampires......

John Goodman's brother and the 3rd George Bush



Mr. John Goodman's brother is one smooooooth fellow. He tapped me on the shoulder as I was sitting next to him, with my back towards him at the bar and said "would you stop bumping into me" (I wasn't even close to him) He asked me what I did for a living, I told him I'm a graphic artist, and he insisted I was much to pretty, much better than that. So then he put his hand on my arm and said "Wow, you're strong"
And in my most serious voice I said, "Well, my secret's out, I'm actually a professional arm wrestler"
He was so impressed that later he had to introduce me to GWB the 3rd... who seems to be either sweating in odd spots or spills drinks frequently, or maybe he passed out to close to a urinal... ewwwww...


The awesome part is Cocky Bastard, and Nick the Dick turned out to be extremely cool guys, and I blame them for my pain......Seriously my cheeks hurt from laughing.


Why you may ask did I laugh so much?

We played such great games as show me your hottest look, which resulted in this:
Nick's sexy look


Bitch and the Bastard






The Bastard and the Dick






The Dick, the Bitch and the Bastard




It was a fun night, it was worth only getting a couple hours of sleep!



Mary and I, as always... good times

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

I just have to say

it sucks that when i sit on the toliet at work.....my feet don't touch the floor. (Newer toilet)

at home, (my apt.) no problem. (Older toilet)

SO.....

Are they trying to phase peeing out for short people?

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

What's the deal?

As I sit at my desk in front of my computer and sip my coffee I have one of "those" moments.

Now you may ask yourself... "what do you mean by one of "those" moments?"

Well my dear friends... let me tell you.

I'm working, like normal, doing a boring small adjustment task, and I suppose I was thinking.... this is such a small task, surely I can do it and take a sip of coffee at the same time.

This my friends is where I was wrong.

It's almost like every once in a while your body decides to fuck with you just a little. You know, you're doing something you've done a million times before without problems, and most times with the grace of a ballerina... the ease of an olympic athelete... the confidence of a.. ah... ah .. confident person.

*ahem*
(obviously the power of speech is failing me as well)
*ahem*

Back to the point at hand...
I take a sip of my coffee (which by the way I did with as much success and confidence as any actress in a foldgers commercial) and as I'm taking the coffee cup away from my mouth something odd happens.... for some reason my brain has failed to tell my hand to tip the cup back to it's locked and upright position and coffee pours all the way from my boobs, the keyboard, and back to where I set my cup.





Clearly this is my body's joke of the day.
I wonder how long it plotted this.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Scientists discover new species of assassin spiders


Oh yeah.. this is all I need!

This conjours images of the previously posted ( a july post) about spider army that follows me, cheering in praise... calling out to their colleague to come and assinate their arch nemisis poor little ol' ME!

I mean really think about it.... This spider assassin has managed to stay hidden, like GOOD assassins do for how many years?

HOLY CRAP!

Maybe they have been hidden, but the evil spider army has now summoned them and that's how they were found out!!!!

I'm gonna die.

Die a horrible death, assassinated by a freaky spider.
this is an audio post - click to play
this is an audio post - click to play

Thursday, February 16, 2006

mmm.. sexy goodness

Most days, I think I do all right in the looks department.

I'm not a girly girl in the sense that I have to wake up 2 hours before I have to leave in order to get my hair and make up just perfect. In fact I'm pretty much the opposite.

I have good intentions, I mean before I go to sleep I'll set the alarm for 45 minutes before I'm supposed to leave thinking I'll have time to do something with my hair, and perhaps put on some mascara. But it never fails... the alarm goes off, I wake up out of a dream I don't want to, look at the alarm clock in disgust, and listen to the oh too chipper DJ's talking about something I don't really care about.

Then comes the ritual conversation in my head.

"Ok, get up"

"No"

"yeah, come on... it's time to get up, if you get up now you can have a long hot shower, maybe even shave your legs."

"Oh fuck the shaving my legs...it's not like I'm having sex anytime soon"

"Oh now you did it... that's a depressing thought... yeah, stay in bed.. 5 more min"

"No really, I should get up, I should face the day with a positive attitude, if I get up now I could at least have a quick shower, and put some lotion on before I do make-up"

"Who cares about moist soft skin, it's not summer yet, and reallly, no sex.. remember?"

"Shit... ok.. 5 more minutes".....

"WAKE UP! it's been 15 minutes!"

"Crap"

Thus begins the day of rushing to the bathroom, quick shower, brush teeth, put neccessary hair concoction on hair so I don't look like a walking qu-tip, and if I'm lucky some mascara. Well.. maybe if the rest of the people I come in contact with are lucky, cuz really... I don't care. I've actually always been a little pissed that women are supposed to put on make-up to become more attractive. I mean, what the hell? If we're gonna play by the rules then in all fairness men should have to wear make-up too, their skin isn't perfect, maybe not eyeshadow and mascara but a little blemish control might come in handy.

But I digress....

Anyway.. the point of this little story is I got to work today, after a quick shower, and a little mascara, and thought to myself as I sat here waiting for work to come in that I could use a little lotion. I actually patted myself on the back a little for using time management skills. I mean really.. I got to sleep an extra 5 minutes, got my shower, got to work only 3 minutes late, and I have lotion in my desk, well it's not actually on my desk, it's sitting in a bottle on my desk... so as I wait for my work to come in I can take that time to moisturize, in case someday I might get some.

As I put lotion on my hands and still no work had appeared I thought "Oh, I should really moisturize my legs too" so I rolled up my jeans (YAY Flare jeans) and proceed to put lotion on.

Now this right here my friends is where I had an ephiphany.

As I looked down at my glow in the dark white hairy legs, my white sweat socks that go all the way up to my knee (it's cold out there folks) my black shoes... I started to laugh. I mean now this is some sexy goodness happening right here.


If you are brave click the picture for a closeup of the sexiness... but the poster is not responsible for any retna damage that may occur.


I think tomorrow I'll make a better attempt to get up when the alarm goes off.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Thursday, February 02, 2006

GOODBYE

So dear friends.. it seems one of our be-loved has chosen to vacate... packin' up and movin' out....

Miss Jen Taylor is heading for New Orleans.
http://mrffriends.tripod.com/pages_people/taylor.html

Please join Orley and I as we host a little soiree n : a party of people assembled in the evening (usually at a private house) , or in this case a private place like the '90s? to say goodbye to our good friend Jen, THIS SATURDAY the 4th

We plan on meeting around 9pm upstairs for good times, drinks and laughter....

And why yes.. yes there IS a theme... Cajun.. New Orleans... like... think of it.. and wear what you will... I plan on attending in a cowboy hat and rain boots thank you very much!

I know this is short notice, but Miss Jen hasn't given us much time as she is leaving next week. So... please join us in sending her off with an amazing time and good memories!!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

esssssss -----eeeeeeee------eexxxxxxxxxx!


All right.

That's it.

I have been without the sex for far too long now.

Do you want to know how I know?

Weeelllll.. let me tell you.

I have a few things that have started to happen to me recently that can only be explained by lack of sex.. seriously there are no other logical explanations. It's like a whole new symptom checklist....

First.. it's not too much sex that makes you hard of hearing, it's the lack of. I swear to goddess that everytime someone says something I hear something completely different.

Hell no! you say?

Well for example... my co-worker says "Jesus Christ I fucking hate that guy"
and I HEAR "What's with this jiz cream?" not even remotely close... I know!
I have not listened to louder than normal music lately, nor been to a concert....it can only be attributed to my lack of sex.

Second... I was reading items for sale in the classifieds, and I thought it said "CALL Girl Barbie", but no folks... it was "C-a-l-i Barbie"

*whew... *

Granted somehow most Barbies look like call girls... or DO they? SHIT! maybe that's lack of sex too?

Two and a Half... CONFUSION.... THE LACK OF CONCENTRATION...

Third... Dreaming is something I fear. I used to have those strange dreams about flying or work, or scarey spiders... but now.... my GAWD! Now I wake up exhausted cuz I was having hot monkey sex all night long, and wake up to find it was only a dream, and wanting it more than ever!!! THIS IS DEFINITELY caused by lack of sex.

Fourth... even remotely attractive men are becoming greek gods....

Somebody stop me.. before I succumb completely to this.

Monday, January 30, 2006



I am.

I ache.

I dream.

I wake.

I ....

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The games we play

I went out by myself this last Saturday night, which is not unlike me really.

In fact I like to go out alone.

I get to do whatever strikes my fancy at the moment.. the way I prefer to live life, and right now being the sole parent of a two year old, going out for a couple of hours on a Saturday night is about as good as it gets.

I started off, just rambling.. bumming.. checked out a couple of stores...yes.. shopping
Now, for those of you who don't know me.. shopping has never been my thing. But let me tell you, to do it sans child is something to savor.. so I did.. and enjoyed it for about an hour. That's it.

and then I thought I should go to a movie

I drove to the theatre, and I am not exaggerating, I could not find a parking space.. not one! It's not that I was being lazy and didn't want to walk.. I seriously could not find a spot!

FINE! I'll guess I'm supposed to do something else..

So I headed off to the bar in town that "resembles" an irish pub, and had some great food, sat at the bar, enjoying my yummy supper and grey goose dirty martini... (yes folks, I can drink 'em at the bar, just don't ask me to make ONE at home.. see previous post on martinis)

The bartender couldn't seem to get over the fact that I was there alone.

I really don't see what the big deal was. It just must be how people view things. One of my favorite things to do when I'm at a new place is to "get lost".. just wander off by myself and see what happens. FREEDOM....

Anyway.

I ended up meeting a group of guys that were HI-Larious.. and joined them at their table and had great conversations and a couple of bottington pints...

I gave my number to one of the guys.. it's always good to have friends, and meet people.. and he was kinda cute...but he's called 5 times since I met him on Saturday night.....

that's a little much

Ahhh... well... the drawbacks.. are far and few between I guess...still wouldn't trade the night.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Restless



not bee in a jar restless, cuz I'm exhausted.. but

... restless....

what's missing?

what am I needing to pay attention to, or running from?


....restless...

Friday, January 20, 2006

um...?

I will regret posting this in the morning

1:30 am.. the people I rent from who live upstairs decide it's a good time to start some remodeling work.

2 am.. still working... me not sleeping ... so I get online.

Ex.. who's in Iraq starts IMing me, scratch that, I started by telling him I got his laptop to his father, so he wouldn't have an excuse to call me.

I'm frustrated... that I even play into his shit, but I had nothing better to do at 3 am.......mostly just tired, and it's a little amusing to my closests friends.. but I'm too tired to figure that out, and the how you cut things stuff.. so sorry. just scroll on by it's just a lame IM conv. between a very tired chick and her ex. AND I was being a snot... this is not how adults should talk... but I've tried that route with him, now it's just... well... the following:

Linda says: (2:05:36 AM) i gave your laptop to your parents

Ebbs says: (2:05:55 AM) HI!!!

Ebbs says: (2:06:10 AM) thanks... my dad is going to use it when he drives down to AZ

Ebbs says: (2:06:14 AM) how are you doing?

Linda says: (2:06:30 AM) that's what he said, as he asked for thepower supply...

Linda says: (2:06:37 AM) tired

Ebbs says: (2:07:09 AM) I bet... its like 2 in the morning there isn't it?

Linda says: (2:07:16 AM) yes

Ebbs says: (2:08:27 AM) so whats new/

Linda says: (2:09:05 AM) nothing......i thought you didn't get internet where you are at now

Ebbs says: (2:09:39 AM) not in my room. but we have it now at the flight line and its raining so we cannot fly

Ebbs says: (2:09:42 AM) so here I sit

Linda says: (2:10:15 AM) oh

Ebbs says: (2:10:43 AM) I am working on getting us internet at our rooms though

Ebbs says: (2:10:58 AM) how is our baby doing?

Linda says: (2:11:10 AM) she is fine

Linda says: (2:12:53 AM)
why do you have to word it that way... I mean, why can't you just ask how ella is? Is it to get a rise out of me? Cuz really so far in her life,the only time she's been "our" baby is when you wanted to actually be a part of her life, other than that, you couldn't find much time for her... it just really pisses me off and makes me sick to my stomach

Ebbs says: (2:15:05 AM) well I am sorry... I am not trying to get a rise out of you.

Ebbs says: (2:17:32 AM) And when did I now want her a part of my life?

Linda says: (2:17:53 AM) ?

Ebbs says: (2:18:21 AM) sorry... when did I not want her a part of my life?

Linda says: (2:20:26 AM)
when we were together you never had any time for her, and when we split you would have to "find out what's going on yet" before you would make plans to see her on the weekend, and you didn't make much of an effort to see her during the week... you never called to ask to spend time with her.. I always called to see if you wanted to...to which you replied with the above statement

Linda says: (2:20:47 AM) I mean really, I'm not going into all of this again... you know what you've done/or haven't done

Linda says: (2:20:58 AM) I just wanted an answer to the question

Ebbs says: (2:24:33 AM) Linda... you wanted me out and I had to start from scratch... find a place, get set up, then I had to sell my stuff and beg jobs off Fred to make ends meet. It wasn't like I was avoiding her or not wanting to

Ebbs says: (2:25:20 AM) look... it is in the past... I, nor you can change it.

Linda says: (2:25:22 AM) whatever Eric... you were trying to find out what your friends were doing on the weekends..

Ebbs says: (2:25:47 AM) friends... like who?

Linda says: (2:25:50 AM) fuck.... you didn't want to be with her on halloween, cuz "you didn't know what was going on yet"

Linda says: (2:25:55 AM) whatever eric

Ebbs says: (2:26:14 AM) no... that one you where right on

Linda says: (2:26:21 AM) who knows... maybe some new online lifestyle dates you were making? I dont' really fucking care

Ebbs says: (2:26:38 AM) good... then let it go

Ebbs says: (2:26:54 AM) because I have

Linda says: (2:26:54 AM) just for once for fucking once admit the truth

Ebbs says: (2:27:02 AM) becasue I want to move on

Ebbs says: (2:27:12 AM) because I want an us

Linda says: (2:27:14 AM) and stop pouring on the "our" baby shit

Ebbs says: (2:27:23 AM) because you are worth it

Linda says: (2:27:39 AM) Yes I am worth it, but you aren't.

Ebbs says: (2:27:50 AM) wow

Linda says: (2:28:15 AM) You don't deserve me... you've used up your chances and treated me like shit... out of chances.. move on

Ebbs says: (2:28:57 AM) didnt know marrage came with a set number of chances... was that in our wedding vows? I dont think it was..

Ebbs says: (2:29:05 AM) I know forever no matter what was

Linda says: (2:29:09 AM) oh hell no

Linda says: (2:29:18 AM) we are not going through this again

Ebbs says: (2:29:24 AM) look linda, its like this

Ebbs says: (2:29:51 AM) things have to change

Linda says: (2:30:10 AM) LIAR... = broken relationship

Linda says: (2:30:32 AM) I'm going to bed

Ebbs says: (2:30:35 AM) and broken relationship = work on it

Linda says: (2:30:59 AM) NO. Not when you repeatedly do the same shit over and over again...

Linda says: (2:31:02 AM) NO.

Ebbs says: (2:31:15 AM) that is why things have to change.

Linda says: (2:31:20 AM) You just don't get it do you?

Ebbs says: (2:31:29 AM) and there is no way for me to show you that till I get home

Linda says: (2:31:32 AM) yeah, you have to change for Ella

Ebbs says: (2:32:19 AM) quite frankly linda YOU dont get it.... Yes I am the reason we have problems, and I have to be the one that changes to fix it.

Linda says: (2:32:22 AM) there is no relationship between us, save for we are both ellas parents which means we need to be cival to each other, and do what's best for her

Ebbs says: (2:32:54 AM) right... which on the best end of the scale is work out our problems someday

Linda says: (2:33:02 AM) it's 2:30am I can't spell

Linda says: (2:33:41 AM) work out our problems so we are not fighting around her.

Ebbs says: (2:33:51 AM) yep

Linda says: (2:33:53 AM) there will never be a relationship other than that between you and I

Ebbs says: (2:34:21 AM) not with that attiude... and I understand fully why you have it.

Linda says: (2:34:33 AM) OMG! What world do you live in?

Ebbs says: (2:35:17 AM) the same one you live in

Linda says: (2:35:24 AM) um.. no.

Ebbs says: (2:35:41 AM) have you read the invitation lately?

Linda says: (2:36:15 AM) ?

Ebbs says: (2:36:29 AM) it doesnt interst me....

Ebbs says: (2:36:55 AM) I have been carrying it with me for the majority of the deployment...

Linda says: (2:36:56 AM) yes actually I have... YOU don't interest me.

Ebbs says: (2:37:05 AM) LOL

Linda says: (2:37:13 AM) You are a pathological liar

Ebbs says: (2:38:07 AM) yes I am... and I have been working on that and fighting it

Ebbs says: (2:39:22 AM) so I have been carrying it around for the better part of the deployment and reading it from time to time

Linda says: (2:39:47 AM) super, I'm going to bed

Ebbs says: (2:40:08 AM) and since I have been promoted I have been spending the marjority of my off time alone

Linda says: (2:40:42 AM) cuz no one wants to be around a pathological liar

Ebbs says: (2:40:49 AM) LOL nope

Ebbs says: (2:40:54 AM) nice dig though

Linda says: (2:41:03 AM) thanks, I try

Ebbs says: (2:41:52 AM) but anyway. I have to keep the professional from the private and I cannot do that by hanging around with the jr. soldiers

Linda says: (2:42:41 AM) wow, that's a step.. your friends of choice are usually the teens

Linda says: (2:42:53 AM) easier to influence

Ebbs says: (2:43:29 AM) so the part that says I want to know if you will stand in the cneter of the fire with me and not shrink back... I am sorry I didn't do that for you

Ebbs says: (2:44:03 AM) so whats up? what happend that you need to rip on me?

Linda says: (2:44:09 AM) um.....right

Linda says: (2:44:45 AM) all the asshole things you've done to me, and I rip on you and you have to ask why?

Linda says: (2:44:47 AM) Really?

Ebbs says: (2:44:52 AM) well... you only contact me when you want something or need someone to kick... so what is wrong?

Linda says: (2:45:40 AM) you wanted me to give your laptop to your dad... I just told you it's done...

Ebbs says: (2:46:11 AM) oh... ok. Well I am here to talk... I need to run to a meeting right now though...

Linda says: (2:46:18 AM) then you pissed me off with the "our" thing, and it's almost 3am, need more?

Linda says: (2:46:24 AM) goodbye

Thursday, January 19, 2006

The story of a girl

Once upon a time there was a girl who loved making people laugh.

She would try anything, push the limits, just to make someone smile. Because when she did, she found that she in turn would smile.. Everywhere. And it was good, the best feeling in the world.

She grew up in a small midwest town where people are conservative, and seemed only to see themselves and their immediate surroundings. She detested this. It frustrated her to no end. How in the world can people think that this is all there is to life? How can people be born, raised and die in the same small town? That's certainly NOT living, she thought to herself. I will NEVER die here.

She lived on a farm on the outskirts of a town with a population of approximately 800 people. 4 miles out. At times this seemed like light years away, and at others it wasn't far enough.

After school she was responsible for chores, the feeding and watering horses mostly. And as she would do these chores her 7 year old mind would wander. She would think of the comedians she had watched on late night TV, and think.. I could do that.. I mean, really they just take some normal aspect of life and look at the odd ways people deal with or complete tasks, or why they even take them on. So she would talk to the horses.. and when she couldn't think of anything clever to say, she would sing to them. She would stay out in the horse pasture until dark most nights, dreaming of what amazing things she would accomplish in her life in some exotic place.. someplace far way from the constant fighting of her parents.

As she grew into her pre-teen years, the town seemed to grow smaller.

She hated it more with each passing year, and yet, in the same breath, knew she would be completely different if she was growing up in a larger city. She felt restless, she wanted to move, to travel, to try things that good girls wouldn't dream of. She knew for certain if she were in a bigger city, she wouldn't make it past the age of 15.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Bedtime story from a 2 year old



this is an audio post - click to play


These three audio posts are of my boo, telling me her bedtime story. Start at the bottom and work your way up.
this is an audio post - click to play
this is an audio post - click to play

Friday, January 06, 2006

What's your take?

I just went for a walk, and we walk by our small town theatre, and I saw the poster for the movie Hostel.
I came back looked it up on the net, cuz I hadn't heard of it yet.. and I like scary movies.

http://www.apple.com/trailers/lions_gate/hostel/large.html

Couldn't tell much from the trailer, but it started a big debate at work.

"Oh great now they're giving these sick bastards more ideas!"

"No, the sick bastards already have these ideas."

"Oh I'm sure not all of them.. movies like that just give people more ideas, and more want to do those things"


Now.. I believe that if a person is a killer, they will probably already have thought of these things and worse (I haven't seen the movie, I'm guessing) and if you're an average person, who likes scary movies.. this movie or any other horror flick is not going to MAKE you kill/torture anyone.

It's the same old argument anytime a movie like this pushes the envelope.

I do believe we get less and less sensitive to violent things that we should be outraged by, but I don't think it makes anyone think that it's ok to do.

But then I remember this....
I had a friend who took a class in which they showed crime scenes, and then showed hardcore porn images...ya know.. the snuff films... the crime scenes had mimicked the porn flicks. And yes, the porn films were made before the crimes were committed.

I think if you're going to get upset by it, don't watch it.
But if you believe what was taught in my friends college course... then everyone should be upset by this and anyother horror flick of this type.

I'm not sure where I stand. I'm not against horror flicks.. as I said above I like them.
The facts that were taught in my friends class make me sick to my stomach, but in my heart of hearts I believe that the person(s) who committed those crimes would have committed the rape/murder without the snuff films.. probably just in another sick violent way.

Thoughts?