I believe life puts before us things that if we work on will make us stronger better people.
I believe that we have or feel instant connections with certain people because of this. That said, sometimes there are people that you seek out that you want to journey this life with, and others are put before you to challenge you, to discover something about yourself or your life, and move on. The catch is, to me, sometimes you can’t tell the difference, but you can tell the connection. I also believe that if you don’t get things worked out, and struggle your way through it you will continue to meet the same type of person over and over until you have succeeded in the area you need to.
I believe there is a lesson put before me in Eric, the ex before him and the ex before him, etc. You see they all are very similar in nature. They are not here for me to say what’s wrong with them, but to see what is truly within me.
My best friend and I were talking one day about what I liked so much about the guys I’ve dated. One of my responses was “I love when they can look at you and make you feel like you are the best/prettiest/most amazing person in the world”
She promptly responded with “Hmm... yeah, I don’t get that, because I do that for myself”
I was floored, I had an “Oprah Ah Ha Moment” if you will.
I mean really... why did I look to others for that? I will never find that in someone else, it’s within me. I want to make sure I raise boo with that confidence, that strength, and so far so good. She looked at me this morning and said the best thing I have ever heard her say. We were talking about what she wanted to do with her hair this morning, I had aksed if she wanted her hair a certain way “like faiths” and she said... “No mama, I wanna look like ME!”
I believe the connection that I felt for Eric is more about me than it is about who he is as a person. I am at fault for letting him treat me the way he did, and for taking him back each time he treated me like shit. The first time was his bad, the following times were because of my lack of confidence in myself, my non-existant (at the time) sense of being the person I truly am. I see who he is as a person, and I don’t like him. I didn’t act on that, but the feeling of this connection with him, I thought it meant we were supposed to be together. I have grown a lot since I met him 6 years ago, I have surrounded myself with strong, caring, amazing individuals, who I am blessed to be able to call friends.
I am writing these “Chronicles” as more of a release for myself. And who knows maybe I will find something else in there that I’ve overlooked, and learn more about myself in the process. Please remember when you are reading these, (if you choose to :-P ) that it’s in the past, it may sound like the pain is new and fresh, but it’s my story... my release.
1 comment:
You've known me pretty well for some time... and I've gotten to know you, too, with some of our more recent conversations on some of these topics. The common denominator is that we both (all of us, really) consistently go back and forth from growth to the things that take us back a few steps, then back to growth. And so on and so on.
Something I am learning is that it matters little how long it takes to "get it." Time is irrelevant. It's the journey along the path (to be somewhat cliché) that is the real part of living. The "attainment" of Wisdom isn't where it's at, it's the process of acquisition where the rubber meets the road.
We all continually repeat our mistakes and the things that keep us at the "place where we came from." But each and every time we repeat the mistake in the process, there is a little more enlightenment gained - a little more understanding engrained.
That is what Eric - and possibly others - have been to you. Experiences that bring you, each time, a step closer to where you need to be. I used to lament not being able to gain Wisdom early in Life, but not anymore. Wisdom is the accumulation and amalgum of all our experiences, good and bad. Life pretty much is a piece of shit - it's how you harness the energies and make them work for you that brings you to that place of being able to look back and say, "Look at that path I climbed... wow." Sometimes when you stop and look around you, it doesn't look as if you've made any progress at all. But when you stop and recheck the mileposts you've hit, you can see the long path laying behind you.
I remember reading about Merriweather Lewis when he and his partner, Clark, and their Corps of Discovery were seeking the overland route to the Pacific. He climbed to the top of a ridge somewhere in current day Montana, thinking that after all they'd been through up to that point that surely the Pacific Ocean would be within site. When he cleared the top of the ridge, his heart sank, and he dropped to his kness in despair, for before him - and as far as his eyes could scan on the horizon - lay the vast range of the Bitterroot Mountains.
But he pressed on, traversed the Bitterrooots, and eventually made the Columbia River, which took them with relative ease to the coast.
There are days for you and me when we come to the top of that ridge and see only a seemingly insurmountable range of rocky mountains as far as we can see. But we keep going.
I didn't mean to get so illustrative or esoteric there, but I think you get the point, because you really already stated it yourself... you have learned so much along the journey. And the people and friends around you have been your greatest allies in that journeying. And that's really the key that SO MANY people miss - finding the joy in the journey. John Lennon said, "Life is that thing that passes you by while you are waiting for it to happen."
I admire your spirit. I, like you, am seekng to connect the dots and find peace within myself - enlightenment, if you will; seeking the growth and paradigms that will bring me to where I need to be. Then finding the peace along the way.
I guess I am blethering a bit... perhaps even talking to myslef, much the same way your "Chronicle" here is your way to release and to express to yourself.
Thanks for being such a good person. The beauty - and responsibility - you will soon start to face (hell, which you ALREADY face) is how to instill the things you are learning into those who are watching you. I can think of one little person already. Like the song, "Hero," says, "...and they're watching us..."
You have been refreshing and encouraging to read this evening. Thanks, Linda.
Your friend,
~Scotty
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