Chronicles.... "Denial"

Denial

Im not sure why, and right now Im wondering if its passed down from generation to generation or if it is fact nurture. But guilt and denial run rampant in the women in our family.

Im thinking it might be a little bit of both.

I have lived seeking confidence in how others view me, and paralyzed by the fear that somehow I am not good enough and unfortunately I think Ive learned this from my mother.

As a child I watched her be humiliated by my alcoholic father. He not only cheated on her but was verbally and physically abusive towards her. I dont think that this is an excuse for living my life a certain way, or continuing to make bad choices, but I do think that in the area of learning what relationships are or are supposed to be, I started at a slight disadvantage.

When things started to get to the point where I couldnt ignore them anymore with Edrick, I didnt even think of standing up for myself and telling him to fuck off. Instead I wondered what was wrong with me, why I wasnt good enough.

I remember being out with him at a restaurant or walking down the street, and he would brazenly gawk at other women. When Id ask him what he was looking at hed make up this ridiculous story about how he had done some really bad things when he lived by New Ulm, and people were out for him, so he needed to watch his back.
I said Oh theyre sending out attractive females to hurt you?
He replied through anger Theyre going to send people that wouldnt make me suspect them
(or some other bullshit like that).

He told me a story about one of his best friends, who was a girl, from his early teen years. She had a crush on one of the popular kids in school and eventually got to go on a date with this kid. After the date, the popular kid ridiculed her to the point of depression.

A few days later Edrick found the girl in the woods where they used to hang out.
She had locked herself into an abandoned car and set it on fire, killing herself.

Edrick and his best friend hatched a plan to make this guy pay for what he had done. He was a known drug user so they grabbed him one night and gave him an overdose of heroin. The authorities ruled it an accidental overdose, and essentially they got away with murder.

......Now you may be asking yourself what the hell I was thinking because obviously I didnt run away from him right then and there.

I dont know.

Looking back I remember thinking this has got to be a bullshit story. But why would anyone say anything like that? Trying to make himself seem bigger than life I suppose. Why did I stick around someone who would lie like that?

That sad part of the truth of this, is as bad as it was for him to lie, and as transparent as his lies were, I refused to see past them. I didnt want to think I had run from one bad situation directly into another, especially how shamefully I left the first one.

I didnt want to think that this person I had such a strong connection with could be as crappy as he was showing me he was. I wanted to believe that he was as wonderful as the connection or chemistry between us made me feel.

Basically I was looking outside of myself for my happiness, seeing only what I wanted to. I had an idea in my head of how he was, and damn it, he wasnt going to be this liar, this cheat that he was showing me he was... I wasnt going to see that and no one could make me.

But I did see.

I did feel.

And when I sat in silence with myself, I heard my screams.

I deserve better,

I am better,

and still I stifled it.

We were on again off again for another year. When I could no longer ignore who he was, when I had people telling me to my face that he was cheating, when I was ashamed to be around my friends, and the cast for the show I was in, I found myself once again looking at the face of the monsters within.