Friday, November 07, 2008


I feel it.

I feel the physical pain in my heart, yet nothing's touching it.

I feel the hands around my throat, gripping tighter, squeezing, I'm gasping for air and I'm fighting the urge to reach up and tear them away.

There are no hands there.

What makes today so much different?

Why is it that most days I can handle the shitty job that I hate, that I go to everyday, and yet still struggle to pay the bills? I can handle boo's dad being an ass, and not even get too jealous that his life hasn't really changed, yet I am fighting for her too now. I'm fighting, and have lost a lot of my freedom, and most days I can see that she has given me so much more than I feel like I have lost right now. Most days she is my sunshine, my ray of light, but today it's like another anchor thrown on top of me to drag me down while I already struggle to keep my head above the waves.

Why is it that today I feel like I'm not going to ever find that way out?

That there's something to find a way out of?

Why is it that today I hate.

I hate more than anything else? It's clouded my vision, and has my sensibilities hostage.

I am screaming, you just can't hear me.