Spider Chronicles

Tuesday, July 12, 2005
dah dant... dah dant.. dah dah dah dah dant (Jaws theme)





I had a ginormous stalker spider chasing me last night....(very phobic) it was crazy huge, and I swear, it was the size of a mouse...well including the legs!

had just put the boo to bed, got a glass o water, and sat down on the couch, lights off, tv on, book on my lap... and out of the corner of my eye I see this HUGE “thing” run across the floor. And I could tell by the way it moved, it was my arch nemisis... GINORMOUS SPIDER! Now, I knew I had to “get” it because if I didn’t I wouldn’t sleep. (they are tricky little creatures, they wait till you’re sleeping to “get” you, it must have thought I wouldn’t see it’s ginormous body speeding across the floor.. but HAH! I did)


I took a deep breath, scanned the room for a weapon, and spied one of Ellas wooden puzzles... now this means I’m going to have to get close to the thing, which I’m really not happy about, but it must be done...I moved slowly towards it, shaking the whole way, slapped the wooden puzzle board down on it hard... held my breath as I picked it up and the freakin thing was still alive!!!! CRAZY MUTANT GINORMOUS SPIDER!!!!

So I took the corner of the WOODEN puzzle and slammed it down on it fast, and missed.. and was about to pass out (because of the holding the breath thing) and did it again, and again, and again screaming DIE! .....I must have looked like some mad women in a crazy b movie..... anyway.. when I finally stopped and looked.. there were no spider reamains to be found... which means IT’S STILL ALIVE AND STALKING ME, laughing at me, calling all it’s little freaky spider friends to come watch this crazy lady!

I jumped on the couch (not the cushin part but the back of it to get a better view, incase he was calling his friends to attack me from behind)


Think, think, think I said to myself..I gotta find it, or I won’t sleep... oh and thank god ella wasn’t awake to see her mother acting like some possessed murderer! Ok.. hairspray would get it! SHIT... I don’t have hairspray... damn it.. why can’t I be more of a girl!!!! ????? .... ok.... um.. starch! UM NO... what in the world would I have to starch?????? Damn, why can’t I dress more professional?........ok.......OOOOHHH OOOOH WAIT!!!!!! I picked up a can of RAID the other day cuz it was on SALE, even though I hate those chemicals... I HAVE RAID!!! Thank GOD I am neurotic!!!!!! :-D


So.... I got the can o chemicals.... gathered some “gusto” and started cautiously moving boo’s toys out of the way... positive that at any moment the ginormous spider was going to jump out from under one of them and attack! I had just about moved all of them, and as I was pulling the basket away from the wall......there it was... laughing at me! And I aimed, held my breath, and squeezed the trigger (on the raid can silly) and sprayed... HA! I GOT IT! AND THEN........

It started crawling towards me as if to get me with it’s last dying breath... so I squeezed the trigger again.. and held it until there was a large white circle of chemical on my carpet... with a large squrimy mutant spider in the middle, and didn’t stop until it stopped moving......



And that my friend.. was a night in the life of a single mama scared of spiders.......

Spider Army part 2 “WAR”

Originally posted Friday, September 02, 2005


War

We all know from my infamous GINORMOUOS SPIDER story that myself and the arachnoids don’t get along.
You see they insist on tracking me down and terrorizing me, and I, well... I guess I repeatedly just about pee my pants everytime I see one.


I moved from the apartment with the GINORMOUS MUTANT SPIDERS into a new apartment hoping to rid myself of the spider army once and for all.



Well....Not so much.



The place I moved into is an older house in which I rent out the bottom (main level) 3BR apartment. Great character in this place.. it has the dark thick kick boards and archways that are usually found in older homes. And it is close to the lake, I can look out my living room window and see the lake, it’s a great view!



Uh... huh... I know.. lake, older house... and I should be expecting spiders right?
My response?



“Hi... have we met? My name is Linda.. yes, yes I do like my world.. would you like to come in?”



Well anyway, I have lived in the new place for about 2 weeks now, and have seen at least 3 spiders. They are at least all of a different variety, so I can safely(?) assume that it is not the spider army from the old apartment. I think.



The first spider encounter in the new place went rather smoothly.. (my mom was with me and I calmly called her over to rescue me from hideous large spder) and she said “Oh Linda... it’s just a little spider, squash it!”



Now I’m 35... you would think she would know that the previous 31 years of telling me that exact phrase has not really worked and that it probably NEVER WILL.



The second spder encounter happend later one night... (tricky bastards.. always waiting for the dimly lit hours.) I had just purchased a fabolous desk for my office/3rd bedroom and successfully loaded it into and out of my VW Bug (no small feat, small bug) and put my boo to bed, and started the task of assembling desk... with hutch.. and shelves... oh yeah, I’m a master carpenter now... sans penis. I knew that a penis wasn’t a necessary tool for construction!!!! Nothing can stop me now!



I was screwing the right hutch part onto the base of the desk and saw something black and bug like out of the corner of my eye. I was concentrating on the task at hand (putting the desk together with no power tools, just a regular screwdriver, makes for long work)


As I was turning the last screw in, my brain started to turn as well and kicked into “OH SHIT! IS THAT A SPIDER?” mode.... so I froze, took a breath, and slowly turned my head towards the black legged thing in question..... OH SHIT!!!!! IT IS A SPIDER! (Freakin things... new I was concentrating on the desk.. it probably been watching waitng to attack for a while)
I frantically scanned the room for something close by to kill it with ( my mom would have just slapped the thing with her bare hand..... Mommy?)


I couldn’t move too far away because it was on the move.. and I didn’t want to lose sight of it. You know... the keep an eye on your enemy thing.


There was nothing in reach so I realized I was going to have to use what I had in my hand... my screwdriver. Small surface area with which to make contact, HUGE room for the possiblity of missing the freakin thing. Well... I had no choice so I pulled my hand back, held my breath and brought the screwdriver handle down on it... kind of. I must have hit some part of it, it dropped to the floor and stayed there, we had a staring contest for about a minute and it didn’t move so I must have killed it..... ...........or did I?


I went back to work on the desk. I had to get behind it to attach the corner shelf part and realized that I was by the corpse of the spider... or at least I should have been F*@%ER! He was only playing dead Damn I hate those tricky bastards! Now I don’t know where it is, but I’m trying to convince myself that I wounded it mortally and it made it back to it’s little spidey friends and told them with it’s last audible breath, and showed them that if you mess with the new occupant you will die!



Well that must not have worked.



This morning I woke up.



They sent the freakin four star general!



This spider, this BIGGER THAN GINORMOUS, FOUR STAR GENERAL SPIDER was directly above me on the ceiling.



I wanted to pretend I was dreaming or more correctly having a nightmare... but no... no... the F*@%King thing was real.. staring at me with all of it’s beady freaky eyes... each leg ready to pounce on me from any direction (they have eight you know) OR... maybe the F*@%King thing was waiting until I yawned and was going to kill me by suicide? Jumping into my mouth so I choked to death. (did you know you sallow 8 spiders a year?) SHIT!



I slowly moved out of bed, fully convinced this is was it. The spider was going to win.



When I got out from under him, I moved as quickly as I could and pleaded with my brain to wake the fuck up, and remember where the RAID was.... UNDER THE SINK!!! YAY!!! Not still lost in the sea of boxes that have yet to be unpacked.



I cautiously entered the bedroom, Raid can raised high, trigger finger ready.



Now how the hell am I going to get this thing... he has chosen his battle position well. If I spray him he will jump on me from above. I must get on the bed off to one side.. AH HA! He’s hoping I will slip and fall off of my satin comforter! BASTARD! I know how they think!

I carefully got on the bed and sprayed... knowing full well that I wouldn’t have the pleasure of watching the General die, because he would jump down and run away before I could get him completely covered in the foamy pile of chemical he so badly deserved. And I sprayed, and he did..... he jump down, and crawled away.. and I continued to spray in all the crevices close by until I was breathing in Raid... ok.. not good, Raid for spider, not Linda. Um... I felt a little ill. But I knew that the if the General made it back to the Spider Army Lair that there would be hell to pay, so I sprayed around the doors and the windows and went into the office and sprayed there just incase that little tattle telling bastard spider that summoned the General in the first place was still alive.. and I sprayed saying my mantra.. die mutherf*@%er DIE!



Oh it’s on now.....
I am stopping at the store on my way home and I’m purchasing bug bombs.. it’s a 3 day weekend.. no one’s going to be there except the Spider Army.. and they will DIE!!!!!!!!



Oh... and just for all you people whom the spiders have tricked into thinking they are harmless.. here is a prime example.. this spider dude has a website.. on spiders.. he’s been missing since 1999... HELLO? THE SPIDERS GOT HIM!!!!
http://www.hobospider.org/