Fly High Freebird.....

Originally posted: Tuesday, September 04, 2007


Fly High Freebird.....
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Romance and Relationshihps

I’m tired.

And before I splatter my thoughts on this blank white box, I want you all to know I’m good. I’m me, I’m strong, I’m happy....but... I’m tired.

I love being my stubborn self, as independent as I can possibly be. I want to do it myself or at least try before I even think of asking anyone else to do it for me.

Things are different this year. There’s something I’ve never had to face before, and I thought it was going to be a lot easier than it’s turned out to be.

I’m tired of being the strong one.

I just want to lay my head on someone else’s shoulder for a short while, have them stroke my hair from my face and tell me every thing’s going to be all right. Hold me close, always be there for me to count on, knowing they can count on me right back. I want to give myself completely, share everything, and give them room to fly as they do the same for me in return... I want to journey through this life with a partner, and that’s new for me, and maybe the most frustrating part... not so clear.

I still would and am choosing to be single vs. being with someone that isn’t right, or being in love with the idea of being in love... thank god I have that figured out, at least. That’s why I was single for almost 3 years before my last relationship.... but in having that last relationship, I’ve found some new gremlins in the closet, they’re too little to be monsters, but they’re shitty none the less.

I had my moments of being lonely, but generally I enjoyed being by myself, and choosing to be with my friends or my boo vs. spending time “dating”. Most importantly I hadn’t found anyone I that I was willing to sacrifice my time with my boo or friends for.

Once comforting, high school girl giddiness inducing thoughts now only evoke, an ache I wasn’t aware of before.

You see, the relationships I have had in the past were nothing worth trying again for. I mean if that is what a relationship was there was no way in hell I want any part of it. Therefore, nothing really to miss, more of a relief when they were over, and something I had held onto long before I ever was willing to let go. (yep, there’s that stubborn streak).

I’m not sure, if the ending of this last one is the dodging of a bullet, or a flash of bliss that will always be kept just out of reach. Would I have been better off if I had never seen it, still believing something like that never existed? Seeing what I see now..........Did it really exist in the first place?

There are things now I see about him that most likely would’ve ended the relationship eventually anyway. Different paths, life choices, and things I may have seen through those lovely rose colored glasses. I’m not saying he was/is a bad person, on the contrary I have not had that close of a connection with anyone ever before... it’s like planting a seed, watching this amazing flower grow and ripping the plant from the roots, and damnit, now there’s a mess.

There’s a empty place that before was perfectly fine. That didn’t know there was anything else that could be added to it.

I am missing the connection. But am I really missing the person?

I didn’t believe there was someone like him before I met him, (the freedom and the space he gave me, the comfort level between us, the laughter, the ease of the relationship BUT... still only wanting me the way HE wanted me) and I’m betting the way the world works, there’s another someone somewhere down the road that will see me for who I am, and will not like most other men I’ve met before want to put me in a jar on that little display case on their shelf, and only take me down to play with me when they want to. Always trying to keep me in line. ha ha ha ha... yeah I know me "in line"

But what if there isn’t, and now you have that empty place, what now?



I’m a free spirit.

I will not be contained... and until I find someone that can fly with me, I prefer to soar the sky alone.