Passion, Dreams & Hard work!

(Orley... yes I know.. yet another pic of me!!)

Somedays I wish

Somedays I dream

Somedays I ache

The BEST days are the days I actually get to BE.

I used to do a lot of theatre. A small percentage was equity.. but most of it wasn't. That was ok, because I do it for the LOVE of doing it. There is nothing in the world that makes me feel more alive then performing.

NOTHING.

I have postponed my theatre days until my boo is older... I don't want to spend 40 hours a week away from her plus the other 3.5 - 4 hours a night at rehearsal and get home long after she was asleep. I would pay far too high of a price, and so would my boo, that's not fair to her.

But I ache.

Not every day, because she is a light... she fills my life with a joy not found in performing or any other self satisfaction means but in the way of showing me what life really is. Pure joy and wonder.

But I ache.

Especially when I am at "work"... away from her, my little ray of sunshine. I sit at my desk, perform my work, try to be as creative as possible and not drive my co-workers absolutely nuts by my ramblings.

Festival, has given me an outlet.
I get to "perform" for 7 weekends. And I cherish each and every one.

I do at times, find it hard though.

I have performed... played the lead in front a thousand people or more, and never been nervous except for the first rush of adrenaline before each show.

During the day at festival I find myself in awe.... especially when I see performers, the peers that I have admired for years out there... and I get tongue tied.. quiet. I want to do... to be....and I wonder if I ever will get where I want to be.

I think too much. I am so trained in the theatre of not stepping on people or knowing my blocking inside and out, my lines and almost everyone else's that if someone drops something you've got their back. I'm not as confident out on the street... the area of complete improv is challenging, and I love that, and I hate that at the same time. It's so much harder than being directed, learning a script, and blocking. SO VERY MUCH HARDER. But it also gives you freedom... and the character you are trying to portray becomes a living, growing, changing person. Not trapped in a moment of time as in a script.. but thrown out there each new day to react to what happens in her world. Now... the hard part is keeping it interesting for people to want to stop and watch, and each time I'm out there, I get people stopping to watch the train wreck of Antonia for longer periods of time... but I want more....

If someone could direct me to the nearest store where that's for sale, that'd be great! Thanks.

I know. You've got it or you don't.

I want it. I will get it...
I will do more, and I know that I will always ache..
to be more... to do more...
not saying that I'm never satisfied, just I want that rush, each day... my fix, my food for my soul...
someday...........
............. somedays will be most days when I get to
BE.