2. The boyfriend

I met Dean when I was 15.

He was just about to turn 19.

He was my boyfriend all throughout high school, we did everything together...
well actually we did what ever he wanted to do. I know more about classic cars than any girl should.

It was expected in our small town that you would go to school, graduate, get married, and have babies.

I really wasn'’t convinced of that. I hated the small town. I hated how closed minded everyone was, and part of Deans appeal was that he wasn'’t from my home town.

He moved with me to St. Cloud where I was going to college in the fall. He passed up a scholarship to stay with me 3 years earlier, and ended up working production in a company that made eyeglasses. He hated it, and I didn'’t blame him.

I was going to school, working part-time, making new friends and having fun. I tried to include him in everything, but he refused, and would get pissy everytime I stayed at school to work on a project or go research things at the library etc.

It got to the point where I would walk out to the parking lot, only to see him trying to hide in his car, spying on me.

He would follow me to work at 4:30 am, and after classes I would go workout, he followed me there too.

One day as I was going in to workout a guy was getting into his car parked next to mine. He said hello, I said Hi back and thought nothing of it, until I saw a note on my car as I was getting in it to go home. It said
"“hey my name is Tim, I think you'’re gorgeous! Call me...."” he listed his phone number.

Being a freak and not wanting to litter, I threw it into my gym bag and forgot about it.

Dean went through my gym bag while I was in class the next day.

When I got home the apartment was dimly lit and empty... the hair on the back of my neck was up, and chills went down my spine.

Every single picture we had out of us was torn down and pieces of paper were put in their place with words scrawled out un-intelligably. They read: "“True Love, yeah FUCK YOU" "“Me and BITCH"” "“I loved this CUNT"” etc.....

I stood there, not quite sure what to do.

I started to pack a bag, but it was so new in the semester that I didn'’t know who I could go to. I didn't have family close either. think I said to myself...

I heard the doorknob turn.

It must have had a direct connection to my stomach, because I ran to the bathroom to vomit.

As I walked out of the bathroom, I smelled him before I saw him. He smelled like whiskey.
I don'’t remember who spoke first.

He vocalized a few choice names for me that he had scrawled out on paper.
And finally got to the point...
He didn'’t believe that I wasn'’t cheating on him with this guy and that I needed to call thislistened while he listend on the other phone while I told this guy I didn'’t want to see him and never to contact me again.

Now to this day I feel sorry for this guy.

Why?

Because this poor unsuspecting man left a note on a car of a woman he was interested in, hoping to get a response.

Well he got a response. A very loud freaked out chic on the other end of the phone line who was trying to convince her psycho boyfriend that she wasn'’t interested in him, and to get him to admit ( Dean said "“and do it without letting him know I'’m listening, donÂ’t coach him"” ) that they had never gone out, or seen each other before this. Now, I wasn'’t very calm, or thinking of his feelings, and I'’m not sure what I said... but I do remember what I was thinking...

"“God, please... please let him see the truth.. that I don'’t know this guy... and Tim PLEASE don'’t say anything cocky.. I don'’t want to get hit....please"

Then next voice I heard was Dean'’s

"“Tim if I see or hear that youÂ’ve even been close to Linda, I will kill you."

Click.

From there I started to make plans to leave.
I was only working part-time and paying for school which I was doing full-time. There was no help from home on this, and I didn'’t have any close friends in the area. That meant I was going to have to bide my time.

We went threw a few more episodes like this, and I new what to look for, and played the mind games right back at him.
I told him I loved him when I secretly hated him.
I would never skip a goodbye or hello kiss even though I wanted to spit in his face.

I knew how to survive and remain invisible.
How to keep from getting hit.

It had been 3 weeks.

I suggested he go out of town to see our friend in Granite Falls for the weekend, blow off some steam.. hang out with "“his" friends, and I'’d meet him down there after my shift on Saturday.

I didn'’t have to work, I was going to go apartment hunting but I knew if he was around that wouldn'’t happen.... after all.. he followed me to work!

I convinced him.
He called about every four hours friday night, and Saturday while I was at "work"”.
One girl I worked with was nice enough to agree to lie for me, and say I was busy and would call him back.
I stopped and called him back. He wasn'’t smart enough to space out his "checkup"” calls, much less do them randomly.

He had our friend "“A”" call me Saturday night to make sure I was coming.

I didn'’t want to, but I thoughht I had better in order not to arise suspision.

Wrong decision.

He was pretty much drunk by the time I got there and he wanted me to go outside and "“talk"”.
He wanted to apologize for how he had been acting.
He said he had been talking to "“A"” about it, and he had realized how stupid he was being.

I said I didn'’t really want to talk about it right now, lets just enjoy the time with old friends.

He got pissed. Started swearing, and "“A" came outside to see what was up.
"“A"” told Dean to go inside mix a drink for me, and then all three of us would talk about good shit.

It was taking Dean quite awhile to mix a drink, and I was cold so we went back inside.

There was Dean sitting on the couch sunglasses on at 11:30pm and holding.... something.

What the hell was that?....

... a wire or something...?

I said I was going to run to the store to get some soda. I needed to get away from him and breathe.

"“A? I'’m going to go get some soda quick, anything else you need?"

Dean responded with a low slow laugh.

"“What'’s so funny?"”

"“You can'’t go anywhere, I took the coil wire off of your car."” he said through a cheshire grin.

I looked at "A"” for help and before I could say anything Dean took advantage of the situation he created.

"“Let'’s go Linda, I'’ll take you."

Again in the silence I begged A to say something.

Nothing.

"“What's the matter Linda? You don'’t even want to ride to the store with me?"

"“Sure I do... I...just...."

One more time I looked at A.

He winked.

"“ok, Dean let'’s go."

I wasn'’t positive what that wink meant but, I knew A wouldn'’t let me down so I agreed to go.

Still in his sunglasses at midnight, he got behind the wheel, placed his whiskey coke in the cup holder, lit a cigarette and put the car in gear.

Silence.

We were going out of town.

I started to tense up, I knew I needed to break the tension, I needed to act like everything was ok.

I tried to make small talk, tried to think of something that would make him believe that I loved him, only him.
And the conflict between the words and my soul started a war in my stomach.
I thought of everything to not vomit. Just keep talking Linda

My response came from the whistle of the train abarreledoad crossing lights flashed in front of us.

Dean smiled.

As the train barrled through at 60mph, he stepped on the gas and I heard the gravel fly. Then the break.
Gas. Break.

"Do you like this?"” he growled

"What? Dean STOP! Your getting too close!"

Laughter.

Gas. Break. Gas. Break.

"“DEAN!"”

Laughter.

He lit another cigarette.

"“Do you like this?"”

"WHAT?!” NO! STOP IT! What do you mean?"TALK to me"”

Break.

We were inches from the train.

He started to tell me how I was cheating on him and he new it.
How I was a bitch and slut.

The train was gone, and we drove over the tracks.

I started to protest, and say that I wasnÂ’t cheating, I never had. TRUTH.

He started to drive faster.

I tried to tell him that I loved him, loved him more than anything. LIE.

He drove towards the ditch at 80mph. DARE.

"“Do you want to go off? This is what you'’ve been putting me through for the last couple of weeks."

"“Dean. Stop."”

He swerved back to the road.

I looked out the window and realized where we were.

He had chosen the road that had the deepest ditches. He knew that if the car went off we would both be dead.

"“If I can'’t have you NO ONE CAN Linda" he said as he drove back towards the ditch.

"STOP IT DEAN! I don'’t want anyone else... just STOP!"” I managed through screams.

I don't know how often he went back and forth it was probably only a few times, but it seemed like forever. I gave up pleading with him and started to pull my hair at some point. I remember thinking that isituation it hard enough I would be distracted by how much it hurt. It was a poor attempt to at escape the situtation if only in my mind.

The next thing I knew I was being pulled off the floor of the car by A.

I was shaking. I thought I was dreaming, but I knew I wasn'’t, could I be?
I sat down behind the car in the middle of the road.
We were still on the road.

A had been following us.
Somehow he had gotten in front of us and blocked Dean.

I heard them yelling at each other. A had a baseball bat and was hitting the roof of the car, screaming.

I was shaking sitting in a ball in the middle of the road, seeing myself doing it.

How odd I thought

Then I feel A tugging on my arm, pulling me up. He was telling me I needed to get in the car.

"“ok."

We walked towards the car.

This wasn'’t "A's’" car.

"NO!" I screamed

"“You have to get in Linda. I talked to him, and he promised he would just drive back to my place safely if you got in the car. If not he'’s going to kill himself. You have to get in the car Linda."

"NO! PLEASE! PLEASE! don'’t make me ride with him... god.. A.. please don'’t, let me ride with you.. please... PLEASE!"

"“You can'’t Linda. You have to ride with him or he will kill himself."

"I DON'’T CARE!"

"“Just get in the car, he won'’t do anything he promised me."

And with that he shut the door, and I was back in the car.

Dean wanted to talk. He was acting like nothing had happend, he was talking about getting married, where we should live.

I was quiet. I was watching the road, positive that at any moment the nightmare would start over again.

"“Linda?"

"“LINDA!"

"What?.. um... oh... yeah..."

"“What'’s wrong with you?"

"“Nothing, I just have a really bad headache."

"“Lay back sweetie, close your eyes... trust me."

And with that I gave in.
Not because he said to, butsurprisee I just let go. I couldn'’t make it different. I couldn'’t stop him. What ever was going to happen would happen. I gave in.

And to my suprise he drove us back to A's house.

Still shaking I was met by A, who took me in the house and to his room.
He apologized for making me get back in the car but he said he knew Dean wouldn'’t come back if I didn'’t, and that he trusted his promise not to hurt me.

I was in shock. My body was shaking so badly, and I couldn'’t stop.
I couldn'’t even respond to A. I knew he was talking to me, and I was responding in my head, but I wasn'’t saying anything to him.

He tucked me in his bed, and covered me with all of the blankets he could find, and still I shook.

I was cold.
From the inside out I was cold.

I left Dean as soon as I got back to St. Cloud.

I moved in with a girl in a locked dorm building and from time to time I would see Dean sitting on my car in the dark, smoking a cigarette staring up at our window.

Even in the hot summer nights, I shook.