Martini Please....

The other night I decided to make myself a martini...

I don't drink hard alcohol much, so I had to go out and buy the vodka and the vermouth... (hoping this was the only two ingredients necessary) I left the liquor store with my Absolut and Vermouth.

I waited till my boo was in bed, sighed a sigh of relief, and took the alcohol out of the bag. I had bought a drink shaker at Goodwill almost a year ago that shows how to mix cosmopolitans and such, which I planned to use by throwing a "Sex in the City" party... well 8 months later realizing I have no time and or space to host a party, I was determined to use my shaker and make myself a martini.
I was too lazy to grab a chair to reach the shaker which was perched on the highest shelf, waiting in all it's gleaming silver glory to be used. Now there is something about making a martini that gives an air of sophistication. Celebrities are shown in movies preparing, serving and drinking martinis and something about it says.. I'm an established, confident, successful, sexy individual who doesn't swig beer, or drink ridiculously named drinks like "sex with an alligator" any longer.... I have arrived in the world of adults, and I drink for relaxation. Gone are the days of getting obnoxiously inebriated.
I smiled with confidence at my clean apartment, my success at getting my girl to bed on time with out the "screaming like a banshee" episodes that have become all to common in the last week, and thought with determination of finishing my project.
I imagined myself as a smooth, sexy movie star reaching up for the shaker to start making my martini. That delusion ended as quickly as the lid came crashing down upon my head as I struggled to get the shaker off the top shelf.
Ok, slight bump in the road, no problem .. note to self.. remember you're short....
All right, shaker... check
Vodka.....check
Vermouth.....check
Ice......check!
I read the shaker to get the proper amounts of each ingredient needed and to my dismay there was not a single recipe for "martini" listed.
No problem I am a smart resourceful individual.. I can get that online!
Hmmm.. says 6oz of Vodka to 1/8 teaspoon of Vermouth. Wow, that sounds like a lot of Vodka. I don't know how much is in a shot, but it must be like 3oz or something...all right... mix ingredients, shake, shake, shake... and pour into the sleek martini glass. Um...... I don't own a martini glass... shit.....um... ok, resourceful, Ahha....a clear wine glass that looks like a cross between a martini glass and a wine glass... Perfect! Well... Slightly less than perfect, but it will do.

(My picture of elegance was getting a little less movie star as I went along)

I added olives, and viola! Martini extraordinaire!
I took marvelous martini into the living room and sat down on the loveseat with my laptop to finish my project. As I was working and sipping my martini, I thought I started to feel a little buzzed..... hmmm.... I glanced over to my slightly less than beautiful martini, assessed the level of alcohol left in the glass (only about 1/4 gone) and thought, I can't be buzzed yet.. I mean I can drink 3 of these at a bar! So...work, sip, work, sip, oh look on tv... sip, chat with friend, sip, explain to friend I feel slightly buzzed, but must be wrong cuz I've only had um.. (glance at glass...ok...focus...um.. 1/2! Yep 1/2!) of ONE MARTINI.
Ok.. um.. what was I doing? Oh yeah working.... god this is boring waiting for the clips to render (for those of you who haven't a clue as to what I"m talking about imagine watching paint dry), sip, ...wait....sip....wait.... ah screw it... I'll work on this stupid freaking project tomorrow! I put the laptop away, and stood up to switch to the couch to watch TV, forgot marvelous martini, turned around to get it and almost fell over! Oh yes, people I know what you are thinking... the personification of sophistication, elegance, smoothness AND sexy as hell!
I stumbled to the couch with my almost gone martini sat down to watch a little TV before bed and began to get the spins....hmm.. (still thinking I must not be drunk, cuz really, I've only had ONE MARTINI!!!) Maybe I"m getting sick or something?
I decided I'd better go to bed.
I woke up at 3am feeling like I had somehow extracted every ounce of saliva from my tongue, a slight urge to vomit, and a pounding headache... oh I know this feeling... I shouldn't have went out last night.....um....wait......I didn't go out last night....did I? Um.. no, no I didn't.....what did I do? Ahhhh... martini.... but I only had ONE!
I woke up late the next morning with my one martini hangover, rushed to get myself and the boo out the door, got to work and felt like shit.
"I don't get it" I said to my co-workers.. and related the story of my ONE MARTINI to them to which I was greeted with a few seconds of silence and then... yep you guessed it.. laughter.
Just incase there are others out there that don't drink much either... a shot equals an ounce ONE ounce.... so.. I basically had 6 shots in a little over an hour......

I think I'll stick to wine.....