dah dant... dah dant.. dah dah dah dah dant (Jaws theme)

I want to know

I had a ginormous stalker spider chasing me last night....(very phobic) it was crazy huge, and I swear, it was the size of a mouse...well including the legs! I had just put the boo to bed, got a glass o water, and sat down on the couch, lights off, tv on, book on my lap... and out of the corner of my eye I see this HUGE “thing” run across the floor. And I could tell by the way it moved, it was my arch nemisis... GINORMOUS SPIDER! Now, I knew I had to “get” it because if I didn’t I wouldn’t sleep. (they are tricky little creatures, they wait till you’re sleeping to “get” you, it must have thought I wouldn’t see it’s ginormous body speeding across the floor.. but HAH! I did)
I took a deep breath, scanned the room for a weapon, and spied one of Ellas wooden puzzles... now this means I’m going to have to get close to the thing, which I’m really not happy about, but it must be done...I moved slowly towards it, shaking the whole way, slapped the wooden puzzle board down on it hard... held my breath as I picked it up and the freakin thing was still alive!!!! CRAZY MUTANT GINORMOUS SPIDER!!!! So I took the corner of the WOODEN puzzle and slammed it down on it fast, and missed.. and was about to pass out (because of the holding the breath thing) and did it again, and again, and again screaming DIE! .....I must have looked like some mad women in a crazy b movie..... anyway.. when I finally stopped and looked.. there were no spider reamains to be found... which means IT’S STILL ALIVE AND STALKING ME, laughing at me, calling all it’s little freaky spider friends to come watch this crazy lady! I jumped on the couch (not the cushin part but the back of it to get a better view, incase he was calling his friends to attack me from behind)
Think, think, think I said to myself..I gotta find it, or I won’t sleep... oh and thank god ella wasn’t awake to see her mother acting like some possessed murderer! Ok.. hairspray would get it! SHIT... I don’t have hairspray... damn it.. why can’t I be more of a girl!!!! ????? .... ok.... um.. starch! UM NO... what in the world would I have to starch?????? Damn, why can’t I dress more professional?........ok.......OOOOHHH OOOOH WAIT!!!!!! I picked up a can of RAID the other day cuz it was on SALE, even though I hate those chemicals... I HAVE RAID!!! Thank GOD I am neurotic!!!!!! :-D
So.... I got the can o chemicals.... gathered some “gusto” and started cautiously moving boo’s toys out of the way... positive that at any moment the ginormous spider was going to jump out from under one of them and attack! I had just about moved all of them, and as I was pulling the basket away from the wall......there it was... laughing at me! And I aimed, held my breath, and squeezed the trigger (on the raid can silly) and sprayed... HA! I GOT IT! AND THEN........ It started crawling towards me as if to get me with it’s last dying breath... so I squeezed the trigger again.. and held it until there was a large white circle of chemical on my carpet... with a large squrimy mutant spider in the middle, and didn’t stop until it stopped moving......

And that my friend.. was a night in the life of a single mama scared of spiders.......