Ex's Schmexes......

All right... I'm going there.

I have been separated from my husband for just about a year.. and emotionally way longer than that.
ANYWHO... not the topic of conversation.

What I want to know is...
Why do guys not get it when it's over? Why do they start doing the things they should've been doing all along and think that the woman they've pissed off so much should (and will) suddenly have a change of heart and forget everything said asshole has ever done? I'm not talking about the things it takes to really fix a relationship, I'm talking about superficial things like sending flowers and stuff. Do they really think we aren't smart enough to realize that this is shit for "show".

And the real kicker is... why do they think that the women is a bitch if she doesn't accept the "peace offerings"? I mean after all... if he wasn't such an asshole there wouldn't be a need for peace offerings to begin with. Plus most of the women I know put up with way more shit than they ever should, for way longer than they ever should. (Orley you are so excluded from this.. Ms. Backbone)

I know part of it has to do with the woman allowing the guy to treat her a certain way, but shit.. after she's realized what an asshole he is, and said no more... why is that this type of guy just doens't get it?

And if anyone knows how to get the neon on sign off my head that says "all weirdos, jerks, assholes, stalkers, psychos I want you" please, please for goddess sake do it!

Whas a madder U?

Ok... Guys.... what the hell is up?

A week ago friday I took my little girl to a parade here in Hicksville. I met a friend of mine at her friends house since they live only two houses down from the parade route.. no parking issues, no hassle... PERFECT!

If this were a movie: Insert Psycho Movie Soundtrack here

We get ready for the parade, I chase my daughter, we wait, I chase my daughter, we watch the parade, I chase my daughter... etc.

Now, this guy who's house we met at is married has kids, has been longtime friend of friends... he strikes me as a little "off" to which I attribute to the consumption of alcohol. He stares at my daughter and myself a little too intensely for my liking, and is trying to hard to get our attention. He seemed nice enough and hey.. ya gotta face it.. there are some strange people out here in Hicksville. We stayed for maybe 30mins after the parade was done, and headed home. He insisted on carrying boo to the car, which was ok, cuz we were walking with My girlfriend and her husband and they were talking. No big deal.

Boo and I drive home. She's crying cuz she's overtired and sees a puppy and thinks it's hers and that I should stop and bring it into the car, and I keep driving, which seems to be the way to turn the volume to max for her shrieks of "MY PUPPY" "MINE" "MAMA NO" "MY PUPPY"

We get home, put her to bed and forget about the people I met, because really I don't plan on seeing them again unless they happen to be around my friend, who I don't see outside of work as much as I'd like to anyway.

As I drove home from work yesterday, I noticed a guy sitting in the parking lot of the movie theatre facing the road, watching the traffic, but reading... must be waiting for someone...

I picked up the boo from daycare, fed her, played with her, gave her a timeout for throwing a book at me, played some more and the babysitter arrived. My little girl greeted her with the warmest shrieks of "MAMA NO" I've ever heard! Really, I know it just had to melt Anna's heart. I went to a parenting class that was being offered by my daycare person ( I know you all can breathe a sigh of relief now) and returned home 2 hours later, paid my sitter and started to work on my project. I was just getting into it when I heard a knock at the door. Must be Anna.

I got up, felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up and something told me to look through the peep hole. I thought I recognized the guy fromt the apartment building, so I cracked the door open, and made sure to block it with my foot. (I know, I know, that's how to get a broken foot, but hey, I live in Hicksville, not downtown NY or anything)

"Hey uh...I uh....just...... Are you moving this weekend?" He slurred

"um.......no?" I was completely puzzled as to how he new I was moving, and where the hell did I know this guy from?

"Oh. Well... I just thought I'd offer to help"

With the puzzled look on my facel I replied in all my wisdom... "uh.....oooook....no thank you"

And he walked away.

As the door clicked shut, my memory clicked on and I realized it was the guy from the parade.

How the hell did he know where I lived?
How the hell did he know my last name?
What the hell is he doing at my apartment 15mins after I got home?

I got the shivers, and called my friend.

'L?"

"yeah?"

"it's Linda, I think P was just at my apartment"

"Are you shitting me?"

"No."

"Well, I wasn't going to tell you this, but... I talked to him the other day and he said I wasn't allowed to bring you to his house anymore, and I asked why, if something had happend. He said no, that he was extremely attracted to you and couldn't stop thinking about you."

"What the F?" NICE!....He has a wife and kids, what a freak! Um... he is harmless right?"

"Well he's been a little off lately, drinking more, but acting a little different, but I never thought in a million years he would do anything like this either"

All right I think.. no biggy, he's drunk, people drunk dial after all.. this is just a little more "aggressive"...
and before I can finish my thought she says...

"I was wondering what he was doing at the parking lot reading in his truck"

My heart started to beat a tad faster and I thought.. ok that was 5 HOURS ago... she then tells me his wife and kids are out of town this weekend.

Now, I didn't really freak about the whole thing, but I made sure my windows and doors were locked and every stupid little sound that night made me question if it was him. It didn't help matters any that I've been reading a suspense novel about a woman who was almost raped by a man she met in passing. The mental images that book created kept flashing through my mind, but with P as the stalker/rapist dude. And I got mad.

I mean really... I didn't do anything to make him think I was the least bit interested number one, but for him to track down who I was and where I lived and to watch me leave work, and to show up at my apartment drunk...

Mad.. mad, mad, mad! Every noise I heard pissed me off...

This is not the first guy that has fallen into the "over the line" or into "stalkerish" behavior... I don't get it, but one things for sure... I am not about to be a victim or let assholes like this intimidate me.

He better not stop by again.

Martini Please....

The other night I decided to make myself a martini...

I don't drink hard alcohol much, so I had to go out and buy the vodka and the vermouth... (hoping this was the only two ingredients necessary) I left the liquor store with my Absolut and Vermouth.

I waited till my boo was in bed, sighed a sigh of relief, and took the alcohol out of the bag. I had bought a drink shaker at Goodwill almost a year ago that shows how to mix cosmopolitans and such, which I planned to use by throwing a "Sex in the City" party... well 8 months later realizing I have no time and or space to host a party, I was determined to use my shaker and make myself a martini.
I was too lazy to grab a chair to reach the shaker which was perched on the highest shelf, waiting in all it's gleaming silver glory to be used. Now there is something about making a martini that gives an air of sophistication. Celebrities are shown in movies preparing, serving and drinking martinis and something about it says.. I'm an established, confident, successful, sexy individual who doesn't swig beer, or drink ridiculously named drinks like "sex with an alligator" any longer.... I have arrived in the world of adults, and I drink for relaxation. Gone are the days of getting obnoxiously inebriated.
I smiled with confidence at my clean apartment, my success at getting my girl to bed on time with out the "screaming like a banshee" episodes that have become all to common in the last week, and thought with determination of finishing my project.
I imagined myself as a smooth, sexy movie star reaching up for the shaker to start making my martini. That delusion ended as quickly as the lid came crashing down upon my head as I struggled to get the shaker off the top shelf.
Ok, slight bump in the road, no problem .. note to self.. remember you're short....
All right, shaker... check
Vodka.....check
Vermouth.....check
Ice......check!
I read the shaker to get the proper amounts of each ingredient needed and to my dismay there was not a single recipe for "martini" listed.
No problem I am a smart resourceful individual.. I can get that online!
Hmmm.. says 6oz of Vodka to 1/8 teaspoon of Vermouth. Wow, that sounds like a lot of Vodka. I don't know how much is in a shot, but it must be like 3oz or something...all right... mix ingredients, shake, shake, shake... and pour into the sleek martini glass. Um...... I don't own a martini glass... shit.....um... ok, resourceful, Ahha....a clear wine glass that looks like a cross between a martini glass and a wine glass... Perfect! Well... Slightly less than perfect, but it will do.

(My picture of elegance was getting a little less movie star as I went along)

I added olives, and viola! Martini extraordinaire!
I took marvelous martini into the living room and sat down on the loveseat with my laptop to finish my project. As I was working and sipping my martini, I thought I started to feel a little buzzed..... hmmm.... I glanced over to my slightly less than beautiful martini, assessed the level of alcohol left in the glass (only about 1/4 gone) and thought, I can't be buzzed yet.. I mean I can drink 3 of these at a bar! So...work, sip, work, sip, oh look on tv... sip, chat with friend, sip, explain to friend I feel slightly buzzed, but must be wrong cuz I've only had um.. (glance at glass...ok...focus...um.. 1/2! Yep 1/2!) of ONE MARTINI.
Ok.. um.. what was I doing? Oh yeah working.... god this is boring waiting for the clips to render (for those of you who haven't a clue as to what I"m talking about imagine watching paint dry), sip, ...wait....sip....wait.... ah screw it... I'll work on this stupid freaking project tomorrow! I put the laptop away, and stood up to switch to the couch to watch TV, forgot marvelous martini, turned around to get it and almost fell over! Oh yes, people I know what you are thinking... the personification of sophistication, elegance, smoothness AND sexy as hell!
I stumbled to the couch with my almost gone martini sat down to watch a little TV before bed and began to get the spins....hmm.. (still thinking I must not be drunk, cuz really, I've only had ONE MARTINI!!!) Maybe I"m getting sick or something?
I decided I'd better go to bed.
I woke up at 3am feeling like I had somehow extracted every ounce of saliva from my tongue, a slight urge to vomit, and a pounding headache... oh I know this feeling... I shouldn't have went out last night.....um....wait......I didn't go out last night....did I? Um.. no, no I didn't.....what did I do? Ahhhh... martini.... but I only had ONE!
I woke up late the next morning with my one martini hangover, rushed to get myself and the boo out the door, got to work and felt like shit.
"I don't get it" I said to my co-workers.. and related the story of my ONE MARTINI to them to which I was greeted with a few seconds of silence and then... yep you guessed it.. laughter.
Just incase there are others out there that don't drink much either... a shot equals an ounce ONE ounce.... so.. I basically had 6 shots in a little over an hour......

I think I'll stick to wine.....

dah dant... dah dant.. dah dah dah dah dant (Jaws theme)

I want to know

I had a ginormous stalker spider chasing me last night....(very phobic) it was crazy huge, and I swear, it was the size of a mouse...well including the legs! I had just put the boo to bed, got a glass o water, and sat down on the couch, lights off, tv on, book on my lap... and out of the corner of my eye I see this HUGE “thing” run across the floor. And I could tell by the way it moved, it was my arch nemisis... GINORMOUS SPIDER! Now, I knew I had to “get” it because if I didn’t I wouldn’t sleep. (they are tricky little creatures, they wait till you’re sleeping to “get” you, it must have thought I wouldn’t see it’s ginormous body speeding across the floor.. but HAH! I did)
I took a deep breath, scanned the room for a weapon, and spied one of Ellas wooden puzzles... now this means I’m going to have to get close to the thing, which I’m really not happy about, but it must be done...I moved slowly towards it, shaking the whole way, slapped the wooden puzzle board down on it hard... held my breath as I picked it up and the freakin thing was still alive!!!! CRAZY MUTANT GINORMOUS SPIDER!!!! So I took the corner of the WOODEN puzzle and slammed it down on it fast, and missed.. and was about to pass out (because of the holding the breath thing) and did it again, and again, and again screaming DIE! .....I must have looked like some mad women in a crazy b movie..... anyway.. when I finally stopped and looked.. there were no spider reamains to be found... which means IT’S STILL ALIVE AND STALKING ME, laughing at me, calling all it’s little freaky spider friends to come watch this crazy lady! I jumped on the couch (not the cushin part but the back of it to get a better view, incase he was calling his friends to attack me from behind)
Think, think, think I said to myself..I gotta find it, or I won’t sleep... oh and thank god ella wasn’t awake to see her mother acting like some possessed murderer! Ok.. hairspray would get it! SHIT... I don’t have hairspray... damn it.. why can’t I be more of a girl!!!! ????? .... ok.... um.. starch! UM NO... what in the world would I have to starch?????? Damn, why can’t I dress more professional?........ok.......OOOOHHH OOOOH WAIT!!!!!! I picked up a can of RAID the other day cuz it was on SALE, even though I hate those chemicals... I HAVE RAID!!! Thank GOD I am neurotic!!!!!! :-D
So.... I got the can o chemicals.... gathered some “gusto” and started cautiously moving boo’s toys out of the way... positive that at any moment the ginormous spider was going to jump out from under one of them and attack! I had just about moved all of them, and as I was pulling the basket away from the wall......there it was... laughing at me! And I aimed, held my breath, and squeezed the trigger (on the raid can silly) and sprayed... HA! I GOT IT! AND THEN........ It started crawling towards me as if to get me with it’s last dying breath... so I squeezed the trigger again.. and held it until there was a large white circle of chemical on my carpet... with a large squrimy mutant spider in the middle, and didn’t stop until it stopped moving......

And that my friend.. was a night in the life of a single mama scared of spiders.......

I want to know

I want to know

I'm sure most of you have met people in your life that you are inexplicably drawn to. More than "Damn he's S-E-X-Y!" I'm talkng about that person(s) that you see soul to soul vs. eye to eye.

And to clarify... I'm not talking soulmate.

I'm talking platonic or not, love, and love that's mostly at first sight. You feel this person before you ever actually touch. (And not in the "love sex, touchy way...or in some cases yes in the love sex, touchy way.. ) but in the begining... the very begining moments in the come here fellow traveler, let me hold you for a while on this ride life, you rest, I'll do the driving right now. And in some instances you may be the driver, the passenger, or both (the latter being my favorite) but it always seems to be what you need.. what you ache for.. what you are screaming out in silence over and over for in your dreams... familiarity on some level, yet complete newness.

And throughout MY life... it seems these people are only around for a short while... months, years, never decades. I have had a lot of GREAT friendships, but I have not had very many long time friendships. I sometimes wish that I had a friend that has been by me since the first grade or something crazy like that, and then I realize I wouldn't have grown as much as I have, I think I would have gotten comfortable and not done much of anything. Or then again maybe I'm just never satisfied. Anyway sidetracking here....

I have a friend that is moving right now, she's going to another state. I met her through work, it was her first job in the field, and kudos to her, she is not settling for comfortability, rather striving for more, looking for a better job in what she does. The company we work for is great, good benefits, and there is job security... the position is does not allow for the creativity she holds...so onward and upward....
She is one of those people tho... she ROCKS! And I hope, that we will stay in touch.

Making a Home

I want a "Home".

I don't want a mansion, a log cabin or even a pent house. I definitely no longer want to live in an apartment.

I'm not asking for much, I mean all the extras would be awesome, but at this point I want the basics (mostly because I can't afford much, so I'm taking a shot at reality here) I want a 2 bedroom house, with a decent roof, no plumbing issues..Basically "livable" with a yard, or a porch, or something where I can sit outside and play with my boo. Or at least to step out my front door and breath in some life, I have a tendency to feel a little claustrophobic (sp?) without direct access to outside.

My issue is.. I'm a single mom, and I'm making a decent wage, yet not able to afford "the basics" without sentencing myself and my boo to eating ramen noodles for the rest of our lives... and that really pisses me off! So what? I have to work extra hours to be able to have a home that because I'm working extra hours I'll never get to spend much time in, and worse spend LESS time with my boo? NO WAY!

Am I asking too much then? Or maybe as a friend pointed out, I talked to the wrong mortgage person? I can't believe they would be that different in the results, but maybe they are... I will shop around. But from what I hear, it's not looking good.

I also know that I should be grateful I have a roof over my head at all. But what's wrong with wanting more? Or is this what happens? The people that never end up owning a home, maybe started out wanting to, but realized that it was out of their reach and said screw it... I mean I know no one wants to live on the streets, no one chooses that life. So what separates them from me? I buy a house I can't afford and get in over my head, and lose it, and don't have enough cash to get an apartment and... and ... ( I know that's taking it a little far ) maybe that's it? It's fear. Or is it that some people actually stop trying when they are told they can't, and others say "Oh yeah? WATCH ME!"

I think I'll choose the "Watch me!" option and see what happens.. there has to be a way.
The "way" however is probably not by getting caught blogging during work and getting fired....

Later!

Orleys Backbone

So.. I have this friend Orley, who is infact as unique as her name... She said "hey I created this blog, it's really fun."

"oh yeah? I've been thinking of doing that too."

"you should it's really fun."

...and here I am, as she's mixing us margaritas, the chitlin's are sleeping, and I'm typing away....ahhh... the margarita has arrived, YUM!

Ok... I did it.. I"m blogging now... right? Much like journaling, but with added pressure... instead of thinking.. hmmm, I hope no one reads this, you know all along that your thoughts eventually are going to be read, by someone. Unless of course I suppose, you are a lonely geek who's best friend is infact the computer and all of the online buddies it holds. In which case you could lie about your life and no one would ever catch you, you could be alice in wonderland or something... anyway, margaritas are waiting to be sipped, and I actually have a moment to have a conversation with my friend without changing a diaper, getting a sippy cup, playing ball, or reading... I think I will sieze the moment.