Perception... taught by pint sized professor....

originally posted Sunday, June 10, 2007


Perception... taught by pint sized professor....
Current mood: grateful

I have the best little girl in the world.

Sometimes I forget she’s only three.

I went to the airport today to pick up my nephew, the “unaccompanied minor”.

We all know how directionally challenged I can be, and I joked with Mo on my way into the airport about remembering where I parked my car.

“Write it down” she said as we hung up with a giggle.

His flight got in at 2pm, which meant boo and I needed to get to the airport an hour early just like we would if we were taking a trip seeing as how we had to go through, check-in, get “boarding passes” for both of us, go through security to meet my nephew at the gate and sign for him, sorta like a fedex package, or the exchange of a prisoner, which of course I found humours but I was dreading the thought of this because I had to do this with boo. How was she going to be? Was she going to throw a tantrum, cry?..... ugh....it would be so much easier without her.

Determined to not have another parking ramp incident I parked on the edge of the ramp, as not to venture too far into the dark recesses for fear of never returning again.

Boo and I made our way into the building with ease, and started to stand in line for check-in.

Long line... ugh... this is not going to go well, it would be so much simpiler without boo.

Hey.....wait, I’m not actually checking bags, I don’t need to stand here, just go up to the person available while everyone else is actually checking their bags.... damn, I’m so smart sometimes!

Success! Skipped a long line, got our fake boarding passes, and proceeded to our second long line to go through security.

As we waited boo burned off her excess energy that seems all too common in those small in stature by spinning like a ballerina, and singing.

I find her amusing most times, but I nervously glanced around to make sure she wasn’t getting on anyone’s nerves.

Hmm... I’ve always wondered what it would be like to take a trip with her, I’ve told myself so many times that because I have her, I’m limited in what I can do.. trapped.. and yet so far this doesn’t seem so difficult do

I feel a tug on my pants “Mama, I want to fly on a plane” and I’m back to the moment

“We will baby, someday you and I will fly together, we’ll go on a trip ok?” and for the first time I actually believed it.

Everytime I have those moments I feel a little lighter, a little stronger, a little less trapped.

And at that I caught my breath.

There it is. I thought it.

again

It always comes back to that word.

That feeling.

The feeling that dug it’s home deep inside me the day I read the positive result on the home pregnancy test like a worm burrows into an apple to devour what it can and leave the rest to rot.

It’s days like today that I learn.

It’s days like today that I learn because I am ready to be present in the moment, and accept, truly accept, the pint sized professor that has thankfully graced my life with her presence.

Being single plus one is mostly greeted with that look of pity.

Along with averted eyes, and that noise

“tsk...tsk... that poor girl, if only she wouldn’t have made such a mistake her life would be so full of possiblities. No man is going to want her now, she’s damaged goods, she comes with baggage, who will ever want to raise someone elses bratty kid... She’ll never go anywhere, she’s given herself such limited choices now...tsk... tsk...such a shame...tsk.. tsk...”

And then that feeling has found it’s food source, and digs it’s nest a little deeper inside your head....tsk.. tsk... trapped.

But then there are days like today.

When I realize the only one stopping me from doing anything in my life is ME. The only cage that surrounds me is the one I’ve built.

Not my boo.

Not the responsiblity of having boo.

Not the “burden” of having boo.

Not all of the time she needs, that I have to give, because she is my boo.

My daughter handled herself better today at the age of 3 than most grown ups I know, myself included.

As we went through security, she marveld at everything that was happening around her, she greeted people with smiles, and made them laugh out loud while standing... waiting... standing... stressing... looking at their watches... sighing heavily... they all stopped, to watch my boo.

Full of life, full of smiles, full of laughter.

And I let go and played with her.

We made it to the gate, and watched the giant airplanes come and go, and all were greeted with that same wonder and excitement. She found money on the ground, a simple thing, pennies, and as I watched her pick it up, try to put it in her tiny jeans pocket only to drop it and try it again without anger or frustration but determination, I smiled and looked up only to see more people watching her, smiling.

When boo had successfully placed her pennies in her pocket we found my nephew and he was greeted by boo running and jumping in his arms yelling “My Casey!! My Casey!!! Mama it’s my Casey!!!”

I signed for him and we were off to get his luggage. Not bad, so far this is not bad at all boo and I could actually do this.

I looked at my watch. Not bad. We’ve been here an hour, and all we have to do is get the luggage and be on our way.

We got to baggage claim and on the way boo championed the dreaded escaltor monster. I like to let her try things on her own, find her own path, her own way of doing things. She would stop dead at the start and wait, find her timing, hold her breath and take that step. She did it alone with only an occaissonal helping hand from mama to steady her when she lost her balance.

Carousel 10.

There we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And watched the bags go round and round as boo cheered Casey on....

“Get it Casey Get it!!! You can do it Casey!!! Get it!!! Get it!!!”

Only there was no suitcase to be found.

The airline had lost his luggage.

Ok... another line, she’s going to get out of hand pretty soon, because I’m starting to get tired of standing around waiting, she’s got to be ready to come unglued soon. And this is why I can’t do this, can’t travel, things like this happen, I’ll have to wait until she’s older.

We stood in the lost luggage line for what seemed an eternity, and as the grown ups grumbled and bitched and complained and got angry....there was boo....She started “catching” the unclaimed luggage still on the carousel with a lanard Casey had. Then she moved onto making faces at herself in the shiny chrome of the poles that they use to rope off areas. And I looked around to see people watching her, smiling.

We found out there was another flight coming in about 45 minutes from Chicago,which his luggage might be on and I decided we should gamble it. Hang out, grab something to eat since it was now 3:30 none of us had eaten since early this morning.

Another line.

Another chance for boo to get out of hand.

To struggle with.

Only she didn’t.

She lightend the mood by singing about what she was going to eat. Nothings better than a made up song about sandwhichs in a refridgerator with no door, and cupcakes on the top shelf.

After we ate, we headed back to the baggage claim to wait some more. We’d been at the airport waiting for over 3 hours.

And boo hit her limit.

She didn’t throw a tantrum, she didn’t whine, or cry, she just started “acting out” if you will. Doing raspberrys directly at my face, things she knows will get her in trouble.

Instead of thinking “Oh great, this would be so much easier without her here”

I treated her with the respect she deserved and the kindness she had shared with me the entire day, she had given me the gift of perception all day.

Viewing things differently.

It was high time I returned the favor.

There was an open area a few feet away from the carousel we were waiting at and I told Casey I was going to let her run off some of that energy, and we did.

She ran from wall to post imitating which ever animal I named, and we laughed at the silliness and the releif it gave both of us. No standing in line waiting... we were running in a jungle as tigers, howling like coyotes, growling like bears, and making our moments together.

Granted people that past us thought we were completely nuts, well at least me... but it didn’t matter.

And there I was.....Single plus one.

Complete.

Free.

Learning about life from my “burden”

As we laughed and turned around there was Casey holding his suitcase high above his head triumphant, and we cheered him on.

“Yay Casey! You did it!!!” Boo giggles as she claps excitedly.

You did it

You

My little professor.

You did it.

I think I’m beginning to see the that the door is open on my bird cage, it’s up to me to decide when I walk through.

Now if I can just find that damn car.........

(it only took me 20 minutes this time)


As I finish writing this at my parents house, boo climbs beside me on my chair and whispers in my ear...

“Mama... I want to go home and do private time in my room”