Be who you are nothing more nothing less

originally posted Monday, June 11, 2007


Be who you are nothing more nothing less
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Romance and Relationships

If somebody would have told me that I would be single at the age of 37 I would’ve believed them.

If somebody would’ve told me that I would be single at the age of 37 plus one, I would’ve argued with them that there was no way that would ever happen to me. I would never let that happen to me. I would simply choose differently.

I was 20 what the hell did I know about life?

Single...

Single plus one....

You hear of people enjoying being single, dating, no responsibilities, loving life, living free and easy.

Ahhhh.... but single plus one is a whole different story.

Single plus one takes all of those things, and changes it drastically. To the point that you wonder what direction your life is going in, if you are forever doomed to be alone, with this bundle of joy, which I think should be more accurately coined bundle of work, but totally worth it... but I digress...

How did I get here then you may be asking yourself.

Life.

Life happens. You can have it all planned out, and more often than not it doesn’t turn out that way.

I could go into stories about my childhood and why I made the choices I did, but I’m not sure that really gets us anywhere. The fact is, this is my life, these are the choices I have made, and this is my journey. It’s like everyone else’s in the fact that their are ups and downs, fear, loss, happiness. It’s not like everyone else’s because I am doing this on my own, finding myself, trying to be a role model for my daughter, and fighting societies view of what it means to be a single mother. Let me tell you, there almost always seems to be this fear of a single mother that is strong, determined to be the best do the best for her family that puts herself and her child first. Most people I meet want to know why I’m single, and more importantly why I’m not looking for a man.

Oh dear lord... a man... now what would I do with one of those?

The reason I am single is because I am not willing to settle. I want someone to walk with me through this life. I don’t want a daddy, or another child, I am not a possession, or arm candy. I am trying to make it on my own with my daughter and myself, focusing on that vs. trying to find a “man” to come riding up on his proverbial white horse and “save” me.

I don’t need saving.

My daughter doesn’t need a new daddy. She has one. Granted he’s not the best father in the world, and I’m hoping his future performance as a father is better than his past, but he is her father.

Dating... Dating used to be something that was easy, fun and a great way to meet new people and spend time with them, and maybe eventually meet that someone who sees you as an equal, a partner and finds you so amazing that they choose to walk through life with you.

I have single girlfriends, some are completely single nothing to tie them down (as we all were at one time or another) and some are single, but have major responsibilities i.e., children, jobs, aging parents etc.

I don’t think that women are more or less attractive based on where they are in their life.

I think it’s about who they are and knowing who they are and whether or not they choose to move forward or remain stagnant. Or rely on someone else to make them happy.

I’ve been challenged lately by the thought that all men are looking for that perfect 20 something girl with no strings, an open future and no baggage. And because of this, I will never find someone, and never find happiness.

Sometimes it’s easy to get sucked into that idea.

But for those that know me well they know most of the time I don’t really care.

You see I have a goal for myself. It might not seem like that big of a deal to most of you, but to me, it’s huge.

I want to be independent. I want to be financially independent. I want to be able to choose who I spend time with based on the person they are, and if we are headed in the same direction or not. Not driven by some other possibly subconscious reason.

Most of the time I am not “looking for” my next relationship. I am trying to figure out how to make my future better for me, and my boo. How I can own my own home, even after the realtor tells me “It takes two incomes, there’s not many people... “single moms”... who can buy a home on their own”

Why the hell not?

I think that if I can concentrate on improving myself, my situation, I can do it.

I refuse to accept that the only happily ever after in this world involves two people meeting falling in love and living happily ever after.

I think that is ridiculous actually.

I think that too many people rush into a relationship or concentrate on finding one that they miss most of their life. Always looking forward to that one particular destination.

I accept that my happily ever after means living my life with grace, compassion, understanding, honesty, and love.

Love in all of it’s forms.

This doesn’t make my happily ever after less than what seems to be accepted.

Actually I think it might make more sense.

I have been in relationships, horrible, wrong relationships, because I thought I should be in one. I was supposed to be in one and if I wasn’t, there was something wrong with me, somehow I was less than.

I was talking to a co-worker of mine about why so many relationships fail. How can people go from loving one another so much to in some cases wishing that person gone... even dead.

How does that happen?

Maybe it’s because we feel so rushed to get to that destination, to our happily ever after, that we see only what we choose to in one another. And most of the time it pertains to romantic relationships almost exclusively. I mean think about it.

I meet someone whom I have no romantic interest in, because they are the same sex or opposite (depending on whichever side of the fence you’re on) and this person seems great. I make plans, start hanging out, or chatting more often. The relationship, the friendship moves forward if this person treats me with respect, honor, trust, and genuine care for each other’s feelings.

If this new friend does something, or says something I don’t agree with, treats me or my other friends with disrespect I call them out on it. I don’t put up with it.

In romantic relationships that I’ve either been in or been on the outside looking in, the “bad” behavior is either overlooked or explained away or sure to be changed in the near future.

Inevitably the relationship fails, but not after it’s gone on much longer than it would have if it was a non romantic relationship.

Stop rushing.

Stop racing some invisible clock.

Stop trying to impress.

Be who you are, nothing more nothing less.

If I don’t know who I am and are concentrating more on who is going to love me, find me worthy, I need to stop. Stop and find worth in myself.

Make my own happily ever after.

People will make the journey with me, some the whole way, and others only for a short time.

As long as I have found myself, know myself, and am true to myself no one will be able to change my story.

No one can take away my Happily Ever After.