I am.

I ache.

I dream.

I wake.

I ....

The games we play

I went out by myself this last Saturday night, which is not unlike me really.

In fact I like to go out alone.

I get to do whatever strikes my fancy at the moment.. the way I prefer to live life, and right now being the sole parent of a two year old, going out for a couple of hours on a Saturday night is about as good as it gets.

I started off, just rambling.. bumming.. checked out a couple of stores...yes.. shopping
Now, for those of you who don't know me.. shopping has never been my thing. But let me tell you, to do it sans child is something to savor.. so I did.. and enjoyed it for about an hour. That's it.

and then I thought I should go to a movie

I drove to the theatre, and I am not exaggerating, I could not find a parking space.. not one! It's not that I was being lazy and didn't want to walk.. I seriously could not find a spot!

FINE! I'll guess I'm supposed to do something else..

So I headed off to the bar in town that "resembles" an irish pub, and had some great food, sat at the bar, enjoying my yummy supper and grey goose dirty martini... (yes folks, I can drink 'em at the bar, just don't ask me to make ONE at home.. see previous post on martinis)

The bartender couldn't seem to get over the fact that I was there alone.

I really don't see what the big deal was. It just must be how people view things. One of my favorite things to do when I'm at a new place is to "get lost".. just wander off by myself and see what happens. FREEDOM....

Anyway.

I ended up meeting a group of guys that were HI-Larious.. and joined them at their table and had great conversations and a couple of bottington pints...

I gave my number to one of the guys.. it's always good to have friends, and meet people.. and he was kinda cute...but he's called 5 times since I met him on Saturday night.....

that's a little much

Ahhh... well... the drawbacks.. are far and few between I guess...still wouldn't trade the night.

Restless

not bee in a jar restless, cuz I'm exhausted.. but

... restless....

what's missing?

what am I needing to pay attention to, or running from?


....restless...

um...?

I will regret posting this in the morning

1:30 am.. the people I rent from who live upstairs decide it's a good time to start some remodeling work.

2 am.. still working... me not sleeping ... so I get online.

Ex.. who's in Iraq starts IMing me, scratch that, I started by telling him I got his laptop to his father, so he wouldn't have an excuse to call me.

I'm frustrated... that I even play into his shit, but I had nothing better to do at 3 am.......mostly just tired, and it's a little amusing to my closests friends.. but I'm too tired to figure that out, and the how you cut things stuff.. so sorry. just scroll on by it's just a lame IM conv. between a very tired chick and her ex. AND I was being a snot... this is not how adults should talk... but I've tried that route with him, now it's just... well... the following:

Linda says: (2:05:36 AM) i gave your laptop to your parents

Ebbs says: (2:05:55 AM) HI!!!

Ebbs says: (2:06:10 AM) thanks... my dad is going to use it when he drives down to AZ

Ebbs says: (2:06:14 AM) how are you doing?

Linda says: (2:06:30 AM) that's what he said, as he asked for thepower supply...

Linda says: (2:06:37 AM) tired

Ebbs says: (2:07:09 AM) I bet... its like 2 in the morning there isn't it?

Linda says: (2:07:16 AM) yes

Ebbs says: (2:08:27 AM) so whats new/

Linda says: (2:09:05 AM) nothing......i thought you didn't get internet where you are at now

Ebbs says: (2:09:39 AM) not in my room. but we have it now at the flight line and its raining so we cannot fly

Ebbs says: (2:09:42 AM) so here I sit

Linda says: (2:10:15 AM) oh

Ebbs says: (2:10:43 AM) I am working on getting us internet at our rooms though

Ebbs says: (2:10:58 AM) how is our baby doing?

Linda says: (2:11:10 AM) she is fine

Linda says: (2:12:53 AM)
why do you have to word it that way... I mean, why can't you just ask how ella is? Is it to get a rise out of me? Cuz really so far in her life,the only time she's been "our" baby is when you wanted to actually be a part of her life, other than that, you couldn't find much time for her... it just really pisses me off and makes me sick to my stomach

Ebbs says: (2:15:05 AM) well I am sorry... I am not trying to get a rise out of you.

Ebbs says: (2:17:32 AM) And when did I now want her a part of my life?

Linda says: (2:17:53 AM) ?

Ebbs says: (2:18:21 AM) sorry... when did I not want her a part of my life?

Linda says: (2:20:26 AM)
when we were together you never had any time for her, and when we split you would have to "find out what's going on yet" before you would make plans to see her on the weekend, and you didn't make much of an effort to see her during the week... you never called to ask to spend time with her.. I always called to see if you wanted to...to which you replied with the above statement

Linda says: (2:20:47 AM) I mean really, I'm not going into all of this again... you know what you've done/or haven't done

Linda says: (2:20:58 AM) I just wanted an answer to the question

Ebbs says: (2:24:33 AM) Linda... you wanted me out and I had to start from scratch... find a place, get set up, then I had to sell my stuff and beg jobs off Fred to make ends meet. It wasn't like I was avoiding her or not wanting to

Ebbs says: (2:25:20 AM) look... it is in the past... I, nor you can change it.

Linda says: (2:25:22 AM) whatever Eric... you were trying to find out what your friends were doing on the weekends..

Ebbs says: (2:25:47 AM) friends... like who?

Linda says: (2:25:50 AM) fuck.... you didn't want to be with her on halloween, cuz "you didn't know what was going on yet"

Linda says: (2:25:55 AM) whatever eric

Ebbs says: (2:26:14 AM) no... that one you where right on

Linda says: (2:26:21 AM) who knows... maybe some new online lifestyle dates you were making? I dont' really fucking care

Ebbs says: (2:26:38 AM) good... then let it go

Ebbs says: (2:26:54 AM) because I have

Linda says: (2:26:54 AM) just for once for fucking once admit the truth

Ebbs says: (2:27:02 AM) becasue I want to move on

Ebbs says: (2:27:12 AM) because I want an us

Linda says: (2:27:14 AM) and stop pouring on the "our" baby shit

Ebbs says: (2:27:23 AM) because you are worth it

Linda says: (2:27:39 AM) Yes I am worth it, but you aren't.

Ebbs says: (2:27:50 AM) wow

Linda says: (2:28:15 AM) You don't deserve me... you've used up your chances and treated me like shit... out of chances.. move on

Ebbs says: (2:28:57 AM) didnt know marrage came with a set number of chances... was that in our wedding vows? I dont think it was..

Ebbs says: (2:29:05 AM) I know forever no matter what was

Linda says: (2:29:09 AM) oh hell no

Linda says: (2:29:18 AM) we are not going through this again

Ebbs says: (2:29:24 AM) look linda, its like this

Ebbs says: (2:29:51 AM) things have to change

Linda says: (2:30:10 AM) LIAR... = broken relationship

Linda says: (2:30:32 AM) I'm going to bed

Ebbs says: (2:30:35 AM) and broken relationship = work on it

Linda says: (2:30:59 AM) NO. Not when you repeatedly do the same shit over and over again...

Linda says: (2:31:02 AM) NO.

Ebbs says: (2:31:15 AM) that is why things have to change.

Linda says: (2:31:20 AM) You just don't get it do you?

Ebbs says: (2:31:29 AM) and there is no way for me to show you that till I get home

Linda says: (2:31:32 AM) yeah, you have to change for Ella

Ebbs says: (2:32:19 AM) quite frankly linda YOU dont get it.... Yes I am the reason we have problems, and I have to be the one that changes to fix it.

Linda says: (2:32:22 AM) there is no relationship between us, save for we are both ellas parents which means we need to be cival to each other, and do what's best for her

Ebbs says: (2:32:54 AM) right... which on the best end of the scale is work out our problems someday

Linda says: (2:33:02 AM) it's 2:30am I can't spell

Linda says: (2:33:41 AM) work out our problems so we are not fighting around her.

Ebbs says: (2:33:51 AM) yep

Linda says: (2:33:53 AM) there will never be a relationship other than that between you and I

Ebbs says: (2:34:21 AM) not with that attiude... and I understand fully why you have it.

Linda says: (2:34:33 AM) OMG! What world do you live in?

Ebbs says: (2:35:17 AM) the same one you live in

Linda says: (2:35:24 AM) um.. no.

Ebbs says: (2:35:41 AM) have you read the invitation lately?

Linda says: (2:36:15 AM) ?

Ebbs says: (2:36:29 AM) it doesnt interst me....

Ebbs says: (2:36:55 AM) I have been carrying it with me for the majority of the deployment...

Linda says: (2:36:56 AM) yes actually I have... YOU don't interest me.

Ebbs says: (2:37:05 AM) LOL

Linda says: (2:37:13 AM) You are a pathological liar

Ebbs says: (2:38:07 AM) yes I am... and I have been working on that and fighting it

Ebbs says: (2:39:22 AM) so I have been carrying it around for the better part of the deployment and reading it from time to time

Linda says: (2:39:47 AM) super, I'm going to bed

Ebbs says: (2:40:08 AM) and since I have been promoted I have been spending the marjority of my off time alone

Linda says: (2:40:42 AM) cuz no one wants to be around a pathological liar

Ebbs says: (2:40:49 AM) LOL nope

Ebbs says: (2:40:54 AM) nice dig though

Linda says: (2:41:03 AM) thanks, I try

Ebbs says: (2:41:52 AM) but anyway. I have to keep the professional from the private and I cannot do that by hanging around with the jr. soldiers

Linda says: (2:42:41 AM) wow, that's a step.. your friends of choice are usually the teens

Linda says: (2:42:53 AM) easier to influence

Ebbs says: (2:43:29 AM) so the part that says I want to know if you will stand in the cneter of the fire with me and not shrink back... I am sorry I didn't do that for you

Ebbs says: (2:44:03 AM) so whats up? what happend that you need to rip on me?

Linda says: (2:44:09 AM) um.....right

Linda says: (2:44:45 AM) all the asshole things you've done to me, and I rip on you and you have to ask why?

Linda says: (2:44:47 AM) Really?

Ebbs says: (2:44:52 AM) well... you only contact me when you want something or need someone to kick... so what is wrong?

Linda says: (2:45:40 AM) you wanted me to give your laptop to your dad... I just told you it's done...

Ebbs says: (2:46:11 AM) oh... ok. Well I am here to talk... I need to run to a meeting right now though...

Linda says: (2:46:18 AM) then you pissed me off with the "our" thing, and it's almost 3am, need more?

Linda says: (2:46:24 AM) goodbye


The story of a girl

Once upon a time there was a girl who loved making people laugh.

She would try anything, push the limits, just to make someone smile. Because when she did, she found that she in turn would smile.. Everywhere. And it was good, the best feeling in the world.

She grew up in a small midwest town where people are conservative, and seemed only to see themselves and their immediate surroundings. She detested this. It frustrated her to no end. How in the world can people think that this is all there is to life? How can people be born, raised and die in the same small town? That's certainly NOT living, she thought to herself. I will NEVER die here.

She lived on a farm on the outskirts of a town with a population of approximately 800 people. 4 miles out. At times this seemed like light years away, and at others it wasn't far enough.

After school she was responsible for chores, the feeding and watering horses mostly. And as she would do these chores her 7 year old mind would wander. She would think of the comedians she had watched on late night TV, and think.. I could do that.. I mean, really they just take some normal aspect of life and look at the odd ways people deal with or complete tasks, or why they even take them on. So she would talk to the horses.. and when she couldn't think of anything clever to say, she would sing to them. She would stay out in the horse pasture until dark most nights, dreaming of what amazing things she would accomplish in her life in some exotic place.. someplace far way from the constant fighting of her parents.

As she grew into her pre-teen years, the town seemed to grow smaller.

She hated it more with each passing year, and yet, in the same breath, knew she would be completely different if she was growing up in a larger city. She felt restless, she wanted to move, to travel, to try things that good girls wouldn't dream of. She knew for certain if she were in a bigger city, she wouldn't make it past the age of 15.

Art for Silent Auction

Bedtime story from a 2 year old

These three audio posts are of my boo, telling me her bedtime story. Start at the bottom and work your way up.

What's your take?

I just went for a walk, and we walk by our small town theatre, and I saw the poster for the movie Hostel.
I came back looked it up on the net, cuz I hadn't heard of it yet.. and I like scary movies.

http://www.apple.com/trailers/lions_gate/hostel/large.html

Couldn't tell much from the trailer, but it started a big debate at work.

"Oh great now they're giving these sick bastards more ideas!"

"No, the sick bastards already have these ideas."

"Oh I'm sure not all of them.. movies like that just give people more ideas, and more want to do those things"


Now.. I believe that if a person is a killer, they will probably already have thought of these things and worse (I haven't seen the movie, I'm guessing) and if you're an average person, who likes scary movies.. this movie or any other horror flick is not going to MAKE you kill/torture anyone.

It's the same old argument anytime a movie like this pushes the envelope.

I do believe we get less and less sensitive to violent things that we should be outraged by, but I don't think it makes anyone think that it's ok to do.

But then I remember this....
I had a friend who took a class in which they showed crime scenes, and then showed hardcore porn images...ya know.. the snuff films... the crime scenes had mimicked the porn flicks. And yes, the porn films were made before the crimes were committed.

I think if you're going to get upset by it, don't watch it.
But if you believe what was taught in my friends college course... then everyone should be upset by this and anyother horror flick of this type.

I'm not sure where I stand. I'm not against horror flicks.. as I said above I like them.
The facts that were taught in my friends class make me sick to my stomach, but in my heart of hearts I believe that the person(s) who committed those crimes would have committed the rape/murder without the snuff films.. probably just in another sick violent way.

Thoughts?